


We’re all playing the same game, laying down alone.

by flawedM



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Art School, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Anxiety Attacks, Art Student!Steve, Asthma, Blow Jobs, Car Sex, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Fights, Frottage, Grief/Mourning, Hospitals, Loss, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Model!Bucky, Orphans, Panic Attacks, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Phone Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Redemption, Self Confidence Issues, Sexual Content, Skinny!Steve, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Trauma, Trust, Trust Issues, Vet!bucky, Violence, accidental call, amputee!Bucky, drawing school au, kind of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-30
Updated: 2017-06-20
Packaged: 2018-04-24 04:45:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 23
Words: 59,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4905964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flawedM/pseuds/flawedM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers is an art student and he is currently following a course about disability and illness. He always gets very invested with his models, trying to bring the best of them on the paper. And he is very good at it.<br/>James Barnes is a veteran trying to get his life together. This was just supposed to be an easy way to make money.<br/>Their encounter may change things a little.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An interesting course

**Author's Note:**

  * For [cptbbarnes](https://archiveofourown.org/users/cptbbarnes/gifts).



> I am sorry for the shitty summary XD I am not good at it, and I really hope you'll find the rest of the fic better!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Beta is currently happening thanks to the amazing Messerfly! Thanks to her!!

Steve stops at the door and takes a minute to fish his inhaler from the bottom of his bag. He takes two gulps out of it, before sliding into the classroom as discreetly as someone could with wheezing breath and two left feet. Luckily for him, the teacher isn’t there yet. No student grants him more than half a second of attention. He’s used to it. No one notices him, ever, not unless they have something to ask of him. 

This drawing class is the last one of his week, and the one he looks forward to the most. This semester, they are working on disability and illness, which interests Steve greatly – once the students are finished with the thousands of unfunny jokes about him being a perfect model.

He doesn’t really blame them, but being reminded all the time of his inadequacy is exhausting. Steve is small. Like… tiny small. And skinny up to a fault. Always sick... bad back... bad breath... bad health. There’s not much that works properly with him. 

But one thing that does work is his hands. He doesn’t realize it, but he’s very good at what he does. Portraits - well, human models in general - are his forte. He’s especially good at capturing the raw soul of his model on canvas. At making the paintings exude his love and respect for them, whatever they look like. But he can’t see it, so he doesn’t understand why people look at him the way they do, in class or when he dares to show his work. 

He tries to shake the feeling away. It’s not like he didn’t spend his whole childhood and teenage years being rejected by everyone. He doesn’t fit in, never has and doubts he ever will. He’s been hit one too many times, and built himself a shell as hard as a rock. His ma – God rest her soul – used to call him her little oyster. So hard to open, and hiding the most gorgeous pearl of all, she said. He thinks she was probably the only pearl he had.  

His teacher’s arrival forces Steve back to the present.  

“So we have finished our work with Mrs. Carter – and if you weren’t done, it’s not my problem anymore. I want all your work on my desk before you leave.” 

Mrs. Carter was an old lady, suffering from Alzheimer’s. Steve had loved drawing her, had loved talking with her even more – even if it sometimes was a little disjointed. Steve thinks she was probably a gorgeous woman when she was younger. She still is somehow. Incredibly strong, too, from what he understood. He will miss her. In fact, he’ll probably go and visit her at her nursing home. (Her niece – who was always escorting her - said it was ok. That Mrs. Carter liked him very much as well.)  

“Today we’re starting a two-month project with a new model, and I hope you will all be as welcoming with him as you’ve been with her. As with the last project, you get to choose if you’ll do a head-and-shoulder or a full-length portrait. However, I strongly advise against the head portrait here. I’ll be there if you need any help, and will walk among you to see where you are heading or give you advice on your previous works. Now please welcome Mr. Barnes, and start drawing.” 

Steve looks up to see a tall, dark haired man entering the classroom. He feels his breath catch a little as the man walks to the model stage. His shoulders are broad, and his hair reaches all the way down to them, falling thickly around his face. His eyes are the most beautiful blue Steve has ever seen; nearly grey, like a stormy sea. It’s not until the man takes off the robe covering his body that Steve realises his left arm stops abruptly below the shoulder. Steve’s eyes follow the webs of scarring radiating from the stump and sprawling down his left side, then go back up to the man’s face. Once again, Steve loses his breath. This time not because the man’s face is a masterpiece, well, not only because of it. His face is perfectly balanced and utterly gorgeous. No. Steve’s breath stops because of the way the man’s eyes are browsing the students in the room, guarded, but with a challenge in them. What type of challenge Steve isn’t entirely sure, but these next few weeks are going to be very interesting.

His eyes roam over the naked body on stage once more. Very interesting indeed. Provided he manages to keep his blood where it’s supposed to be; irrigating his brain instead of running straight down south…

  
  



	2. A perfect challenge

Steve manages to lay the foundations of his full length portrait without losing himself too much in his thoughts. Or in the curves of Mr. Barnes’ body. The man really is a perfect model. Defined muscles, everywhere. Smooth skin. Amazing features, somehow so manly and so delicate at the same time. He looks like a statue, sitting there wearing nothing but broken dog tags. When Steve catches himself staring a little too much, he decides to grant himself a little break and, as he always does, decides to go present himself to the model. He’s the only one who bothers doing this. He doesn’t understand how the others can draw someone without getting to know them, even just a little. Steve has this crazy idea that, if you don’t get at least a tiny bit of your model’s trust, you can’t possibly get them right. But then again, he doesn’t think he has any legitimacy to say this as an absolute truth.

The model watches him carefully as Steve walks slowly between the easels, trying not to disturb anyone on his way. His eyes are still guarded, just like they were when he took his place on the stage. Like he’s expecting the worst out of Steve. Steve nearly laughs at the thought. As if he could do anything that would remotely hurt that man… who has more muscle in his right arm than there are in Steve’s whole body. Steve really thinks he could manhandle him without any problem… And then he thinks this was the worst thought to have right before trying to speak with the guy…

He still manages to smile. “Hi, my name is Steve. I don’t know if they told you, but you have the right to move a little, if you need to…” The man only cocks an eyebrow and half a smile appears on his lips as his eyes roam up and down Steve’s body. He doesn’t answer and Steve feels his cheeks getting hot as he violently blushes. “…or maybe not.” He adds, unsure. “Do… Do you want a coffee or something?”

“Do you want to know what happened?” The man’s voice is low and husky, as though he didn’t use it all that much. The question is accompanied with a short, disdainful nod to his left arm. Steve is surprised once more by how the man manages to look like he’s just chilling at home and like he wants to be anywhere but here at the very same time. He takes the time to think about his answer.

“Maybe one day. If you decide you want to tell me. Otherwise, no, I don’t need to know. Thank you. I’d like to know your name, on the other hand. If you don’t mind of course. Otherwise I’ll call you Mr. Barnes…”

The man looks actually startled for a second, before a first real smile spreads on his face. And Steve feels blinded.

“James. I’d like that coffee if the offer still stands…”  

Steve manages to pull himself together enough to smile back and nod. And if his walk is slightly unsteady on his way to the coffee machine, who could blame him? He thinks he can feel James’ eyes fixed on his back all the way.

He takes his time pouring the two cups of coffee. Telling himself there will be eight weeks, four hours a week, admiring that gorgeous man. That’s already great, and Steve knows he will love drawing him. If James doesn’t want to talk, then Steve won’t push. He likes to know his model, but only if the model wants it too. He doesn’t want to make them feel any pressure.

But God, does he want to get to know that one…

\-----

“It’ll be fine,” he said. “It’s a perfect challenge for you,” he said. “It will do wonders to your self-confidence,” he said.

His self-confidence is fine, thank you very much, Bucky bitterly thinks as he shoves his clothes in his bag and puts on a white bathrobe. He hates Sam and his stupid ideas…

Thing is, Bucky only works part time. So even with his military pension on top of his wage, it barely allows him to pay anything more than his rent and his food. Knowing Nat doesn’t ask him to pay a full half of the rent and that she feeds him more often than not, it’s kind of hopeless. Plus, as Nat kindly pointed out multiple times, he needs to get himself new clothes. And this… this is well paid. He will earn more with this four hours a week thing than with his two days a week job…

So it doesn’t matter how much Bucky hates it, he keeps in mind while he walks to the stage. He swallows his discomfort and hides his fears. He silently challenges anyone to dare say or show anything as he takes off the bathrobe. He knows his body is disgusting, that no one would willingly take a second look at the repugnant scars, but he won’t bear any of them putting him down. They are the ones who decided to take that course, so they will bear him, as useless and damaged as he is. He kept his broken dog tags, because he’s never been able to take them off since he came back. It’s ridiculous, but even for a couple of hours, the thought of not feeling the metal against his skin - of being nobody again - makes him sick.

 Bucky lets the teacher – Mr. Barton or something – show him how he could pose, and he distractedly nods when the man tells him to feel free to get up and go get coffee, or take a break any time he needs. Bucky could laugh, if it didn’t taste that bitter. He was a fucking sniper, dude. Sitting still in a comfortable chair for four hours is nothing difficult.

After fifteen minutes, time starts to go slowly anyway. So Bucky searches the room for something interesting to watch. He’s not really demanding. But when his eyes stop on that student, he has to do a double take. The guy is nearly frail but leaves an impression of amazing strength that his body can’t really contain. He’s deep in his work and his delicate features let his concentration show - in the crease in his brows, the stillness of his stare... He keeps on biting his lower lip as he adds things to his drawing. Bucky doesn’t mean to be staring, and he is very good at hiding where he looks. Every time the guy looks up to him, even if it’s not Bucky’s face he’s looking at, there’s something in his eyes that warms Bucky’s chest up. Bucky has been used for so long to the pity. The sadness. The hollow comfort. He hates them; he feels belittled when people he barely knows– or even complete strangers - throw them at him.  But this guy… He just looks at him without any judgment, just taking Bucky as he is. Once in a while, a cute blush spreads from the collar of his shirt up to his cheeks, and from where Bucky stands, he thinks he can see him swallow hard once or twice. If Bucky wasn’t so sure no one could be interested in him, he could think this guy was finding him attractive. But he knows better. 

Bucky definitely thinks he’s been spotted when the guy stands up and starts walking towards the stage. He still stares, because who cares now? The man looks like he tries to make himself as transparent as possible, being extra careful not to remotely bother any of his fellow students. A small, belittling smile appears on his face once he’s closer to the stage, as if he had thought of something incredibly funny about himself. Bucky catches himself hoping he could see that man with a real smile on his face, because he hates seeing this expression on that face.

The artist smiles a little wider before presenting himself. He talks about Bucky being allowed to move if he needs to, just like Mr. Barton. What is it with people here thinking it’s complicated not to move for a while? Bucky is busy taking advantage of the proximity to look at Steve – that much Bucky registered – more properly when Steve asks him if he wants some coffee. He seems like a nice man, but Bucky knows – he knows he’s not the Bucky who can easily flirt anymore, no matter how much he would love to do it with that guy. First, he’s not even sure if he’s not imagining things (he thinks he is) or if the guy plays for the same team. Second, he doesn’t know how to be around people anymore. Third, he knows he’s the worst thing that could happen to anyone. That’s why he keeps everyone as far away from him as possible. He’s very good at it. Only Nat keeps on staying, no matter what he does to set her free from him.

So Bucky does what he does best. He bluntly asks, “Do you want to know what happened?” Usually, it’s enough to make people take a step back and leave him alone. But Steve just looks at him, puzzled, before giving him an answer he wasn’t expecting.

“Maybe one day. If you decide you want to tell me. Otherwise, no, I don’t need to know. Thank you. I’d like to know your name, on the other hand. If you don’t mind of course. Otherwise I’ll call you Mr. Barnes…”

Bucky thinks he might be gaping for a second. He can’t stop the smile spreading on his face. That’s the best thing anyone ever answered. Once more, Steve gives him the feeling that he’s just seeing him, accepting him and not reducing him to his lack of arm and his brokenness…

“James. I’d like that coffee if the offer still stands…” He doesn’t let anyone close call him James anymore, but so far Steve is still a stranger and Bucky can’t share this part of him so easily. Bucky is his safe place. If he has any… 

Steve smiles back, a little wobbly but cute as hell, then nods and walks away to the coffee machine. Bucky enjoys the back view, even if he’s a little sad Steve is drowning in an oversized hoodie. He takes solace in the fact that Steve’s jeans, on the other hand, don’t leave much to imagination. He has the tiniest and cutest ass Bucky has seen in ages, and long, slender legs that he can easily picture around his waist as he carries Steve. He’s pretty sure he could manage to do this with one hand, the guy is so skinny. Bucky bets he could feel every single one of his ribs, and his sharp hipbones, and… The things he could do to Steve… 

He shakes his head. Since he came back, Bucky has been so busy fighting his demons and trying to find himself back that his sex drive has been nonexistent for the last two years. Of course, it had to wake up at the worst possible moment. Right, where is the problem in getting a boner when you are posing naked in front of thirty people...?  He forces himself to look away and to think of the most awful thing ever… Well, not too awful, because breaking into a panic attack in the middle of the classroom will probably not be the best way to go to get to Steve…

But once more, he can’t help thinking it would be the worst thing to do to Steve. The guy seems really decent, even nice. It would be mean to lure him in and make him have to bear with someone like Bucky. Plus Bucky is sure Steve is just being polite. Because as much as Bucky finds him really cute, he’s just as sure there’s nothing in him that could attract anyone.

So… he’ll just enjoy it from afar. Because Bucky isn’t a dick, and he won’t do that to anyone. He thanks Steve for the coffee when Steve comes back.

At least, this job won’t be as awful as he thought it would be, he thinks as he enjoys once more, watching Steve walk away, back to his easel.

Not awful at all, he thinks as Steve smiles at him again.


	3. What's up, Rogers?

“How was it?”

Bucky shrugs. The end of the class was a fight against his imagination, a fight he wasn’t really motivated to win. He did manage not to embarrass himself too much, thank you very much. Steve took the time to walk by the stage as Bucky was putting the bathrobe back and waved goodbye with a timid “I’ll see you next week!”, before blushing and disappearing out of the room as quickly as he could. Bucky didn’t even have time to answer.

“Come on, Barnes, you’re all dreamy…” Nat teases him, mercilessly.

“Fuck off, Romanoff.” He answers in kind and she only smiles wider. It’s nice to be able to enjoy a little harmless tease. It’s been only a month or two that Nat started trying again, testing the water cautiously. He knows she doesn’t want to pull any of Bucky’s triggers, and they both are very aware how much of a minefield this is. But she’s great. She’s been great all along.

Bucky has known Natasha since they were teenagers. They met in high school, and Natasha was the best support ever to help him through the shit he had to deal with back then. She kept supporting him when he decided to enlist. He knew what she thought of it, but she still had his back. And without her, Bucky wouldn’t be there anymore. He would have succeeded in giving up a long time ago. And God knows he tried to push her away. He has been awful. Mean. Even cruel. But she hung on and refused to let him have it his way. Sometimes he’s still angry at her, but lately, he’s grateful more often than not.

“There was a cute guy…” He ends up saying after a long, uncomfortable silence during which Nat kept staring at him with a wolf-ish grin.

“OOOOH!” He knew that was a mistake. “Tell me everything!!”

Bucky rolls his eyes. “Nothing much to say, really. He’s good looking, he seems nice, he’s better off without me.” That is rewarded with a light slap on the back of his head and a dark look from Natasha. “Ouch!”

“Don’t say that!”

“What? The truth? Come on, Nat. I don’t even know why you keep me here, how you go on with your life with all the shit I throw on you. No one would ever want this,” he says with a faint motion of his hand towards himself. He doesn’t feel that good anymore.

Natasha doesn’t offer him her pity. First because she perfectly knows that’s not what he wants. Second because she’s too upset to be pitiful.

“Don’t you dare talk about yourself that way, Bucky. You are so much more than what the army made you.” She grabs his face between her hands and force his head up, so they look at each other’s eyes. “You are so much more than what you see. I see you, and you are worth so much, you stupid ass. And I know I am not the only one who can see that. So just allow people to get close, even just a little, ok? Let them decide what they think of you, and if they want to offer you their time. Can you do that?”

Bucky’s breath is a little shaky and he shakes his head. “It’s not a good idea, Nat. Remember how it ended with…”

“Brock was a bastard. Don’t let him ruin you, not anymore.”

Brock had been an amazing mistake. Any progress Bucky had made before him, in the first year after his return, was annihilated in the four months their relationship lasted. Well, it’s not entirely true. The first month was perfect. Brock was perfect. And Bucky blindly granted him his trust. But after a while of dealing with Bucky’s shit, Brock showed his real face. And it destroyed Bucky. If Nat hadn’t stepped in, Brock would have succeeded in pushing Bucky to his limits. And after that, every step to regain any of this lost ground has been an exhausting fight Bucky would have given up on if not for Nat.

“Bucky… Can you breathe for me please?” Bucky takes a sharp inhale, the fresh air burning his lungs. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath. His hands are shaking and he clenches them into fists. “Thank you, sweetie… It’s alright, you are safe here.” Nat puts her hands above Bucky’s. “Nothing will happen to you here. Just breathe…”

She keeps talking him through this minor panic attack. They’ve both seen worse. They both know it is probably just waiting to happen later in the night. Problem is, when it starts, his mind likes to follow down the path, making things worse and worse. So maybe it will be an isolated incident. But they are aware tonight might also be a short night.

Bucky hates the fact that only talking about Brock makes him this way. He knows Brock was a dick, that it wasn’t all his fault, but somewhere in the back of his head, there’s a voice that keeps whispering to him he’s the one who turned Brock this way. He wasn’t like that at first. He became that way because of Bucky. Because Bucky’s broken, and nothing can fix him. Because he’s a burden. Because he’s only half a man.

Nat would probably be angry if he said this aloud. And even if Bucky knows she wouldn’t be angry _at him_ , he still decides it’s best kept secret. Because that’s the real reason Bucky doesn’t want to let anyone close again. Because he can’t be the reason nice people turn into bitter assholes. Not again.

He thinks about Steve, about his beautiful smile, about the way his long eyelashes kiss his cheeks when he looks down, about the way he tries to make himself as small and transparent as possible, and fails hugely as far as Bucky’s concerned… About the way he looked at Bucky, nonjudgmental, kind and open… He’s probably a really nice man. Bucky doesn’t want to do that to him.

\----

“So! I was thinking pizza!”

            Steve nearly jumps out of his skin and has to lean against the door he just closed to get himself back together.

“For fuck's sake, Wilson…” he mumbles. “What the hell are you doing here anyway?”

Sam has a duplicate of Steve’s keys. It became a habit after Steve’s Ma died. Because Sam knows Steve can unexpectedly fall sick and sometimes needs someone to check up on him.  And they have been friends since childhood – despite Sam being two years older than Steve - and they were roommates for a while, so it came natural to the both of them. Steve doesn’t discuss it, because he knows too how quickly he can get knocked out by any illness crossing his way. But he texted Sam at the end of his class, so Sam knows Steve is fine.

“Well, I can’t even recall the last time you told me about someone being ‘hot as hell’, so I need to know more now… And I was thinking pizza…” Sam gives him a wide smile.

“I hate you.” Steve shoots him a dark look.

“A pepperoni then?” Sam takes his phone and calls the pizzeria as Steve gets his shoes off and put his school stuff on his desk.

            He has a small, but clean and bright flat, with a small bedroom, and another room that’s both living room and kitchen. But as he lives here alone, and doesn’t receive many friends apart from Sam, it’s more than enough.

            He goes to sit on the couch next to Sam and watches whatever his friend decided to put on his small TV.

“Sooooo?”

Steve sighs, without looking away from the screen. “So what?”

“Oh come on, Steve… That hot model of yours… You can’t tell me that and just leave it there…”

“There’s nothing more to say…” Sam cocks an eyebrow. “I’m going to enjoy the hell of the next seven Friday afternoons, because he’s a beauty. That’s all.”

“Steve… Why don’t you…”

“No.” Steve won’t even let Sam go there. He knows his friend means no harm, but it’s exhausting to always turn down his attempts to get Steve hooked up. “I don’t think he even looked at me twice, he didn’t want to talk, he looked like he wanted to be anywhere but there…  I’m not even starting…”

“Steve… I know you think you don’t deserve any attention, but…”

“Don’t you dare go all shrink on me, Wilson… Otherwise you’ll eat your Pepperoni on my doorstep!”

Sam raises his hands up in defeat. “Can I just say one more thing?”

Steve sighs again before muttering, “Do I even have a choice?”

Sam ignores him and continues cheerfully. “Maybe, just maybe, you could let people decide if they are interested in you instead of playing your little oyster act…”

“That’s a low blow, Sam…” Steve whispers. Only his Ma called him that, and Sam knows it.

“She wouldn’t want you to be so lonely, Steve… And it’s all your doing… What is there to risk in asking… I don’t know… To go for a drink? Or anything, really?”

“I am tired of being just a one night stand for people with a kink for twinks, Sam. How is that hard to understand? Plus I'm sure he is not interested. Like, at all. Can we stop talking about that, please?”

“Ok… Just think about it, would you?”

Steve thanks all the pizza gods for the doorbell that prevents him having to give any answer.

\----

The week seems to go by so slowly it’s actually ridiculous. Steve has trouble focusing on his other classes, but as usual, no one really cares, so he pulls through without being spotted.

He manages to be on time this Friday, and Mr. Barton, who has, for once, arrived earlier, asks him to come to his office just for 5 minutes.

“Mr. Rogers, how are you doing with your new project?” he asks immediately.

“I think it will go rather well, sir.” Steve always feels weird calling him Sir, considering Mr. Barton is probably less than five years older than him. But he has a huge respect for him. Many students consider his art “messy” or “unreadable”, but Steve loves it more than any other teacher’s. “I am doing full length, oil painting.”

“Good. I’m sure you’ll create another amazing piece…”

Steve feels himself blushing from his chin to the top of his forehead. “Thank you, sir”

“I wanted to talk to you about your portrait of Mrs. Carter…”

Steve now feels uncomfortable. He invested himself deeply in Peggy’s portrait, and he doesn’t know if it turned out good or not. He has very sure taste as far as other people’s work is concerned, but he can’t gauge his own work for shit. Mr. Barton probably senses his tension because he raises his eyes from the paper he was reading while talking and cocks his head.

“Steven… It’s the only portrait that managed to convey all the complexity of the model. It’s a marvelous work, and there’s so much respect and love that pours out of it… Do you doubt it?”

“I… I don’t know sir. I try to…”

“Keep up the good work. So far, you are the only one who understood the point of that class…” Mr. Barton smiles kindly at Steve.

“Thank you sir…”

“I chose your portrait to represent this class work for the annual exhibition… Unless your next work makes me change my mind…” he adds with a wider smile.

“I… I… Thank you sir, I am honored, I don’t know what to…”

Mr. Barton just smiles once more and tells him there’s no thanks needed and then dismisses him. Steve is still shaking a little when he reaches his easel and takes a few seconds to close his eyes and to try get his emotions under control. Being chosen for the annual exhibition is a huge step forward to get to be known. Steve is so grateful right now, even though he’s not sure what Mr. Barton saw in his work. Sure, Steve doesn’t know how to work any other way than with his whole heart. But he thinks he lacks technique. When he feels his heart calming down, he opens his eyes… only to have it race again.

James is staring at him intently. He nearly looks worried, a slight crease dug between his eyebrows. Steve smiles at him nervously, and James answers immediately, the frown disappearing. He looks away, and Steve wonders if he imagined the look in James’ eyes.

Halfway through the class, Steve stands up to walk and relax a little. He walks to the stage once more, and James looks at him all the way, his expression indecipherable. Steve only asks “Coffee?” and James nods with an amused half-grin.

\----

Bucky first thinks Steve wasn’t going to be here today, and his heart sinks in his chest. Then the guy appears from the teacher’s office, looking pale and fragile. Bucky wonders if Steve is in some sort of trouble, or if he is sick… He does look a little sick, with his shaking hands and pale skin. He sits in front of his easel, not taking the protection off of his work and stays there, eyes closed, for what seems to be an eternity for Bucky

When Steve finally opens his eyes, they immediately fall on Bucky and a smile lightens his face. Bucky can’t help but smile back. But he’s been caught staring, so he quickly looks away and pretends to be deep in thoughts.

He doesn’t know how long has passed when he sees Steve moving from the corner of his eyes. He can’t help but stare again while the man makes his way to the stage.

“Coffee?” Steve  asks casually.

Bucky nods, finding it rather funny how the casual tone was belied by the cute light blush creeping from the top of Steve’s shirt.

“Thank you”, he gratefully says when Steve hands him a cup of hot coffee. “Can I ask you something?”

Steve coughs in his coffee a little, making Bucky want to laugh. “Sure…” he says uncertainly.

“Why are there so many people who weren’t there last week?” Bucky is observant. Job requirement. So he immediately spotted the four students who weren't there last week.

Steve turns around to look at the class. “Hum… Mr. Barton isn’t really strict, as long as you give your work back in due time, he doesn’t keep track on who’s here or not… Is there that many?” he asks, turning back to Bucky.

“Four.” Bucky answers with a smile.

“Spotter, uh?” Steve asks with an impressed smile. Bucky only shrugs in response. He thinks about what Nat told him and hesitantly opens his mouth again.

“Do you think we…”

“Oi, Rogers! Get your skinny ass out of there, would you?” A loud, rude voice cuts Bucky short. ”Some people are here to work and not to find their next fuck buddies, so why don’t you go the fuck away?”

Steve turns bright red at this and bows his head down, excuses himself without even looking at Bucky, and goes back to his easel under the laughs of a couple of assholes. Bucky gives a dark look at the man who just talked – a tall dick who is the perfect stereotype of the stupid quarterback. He’s glad to know he can still look scary and intimidating, if he can judge by the way the guy’s laugh dies quickly.

“Schmidt, maybe if you were attending my class more regularly, you wouldn’t be in such a hurry to finish your work… And if it’s as poor as your last one, don’t bother and stop making me waste my time…” Mr. Barton dryly called the student out, who bows his head under the criticism. He murmurs something that makes his immediate neighbors laugh.

Bucky tries to catch Steve’s eyes again after that, but Steve seems to be avoiding any form of contact with anyone. He is holding himself small on his chair, his eyes fixed on his work, but without the concentration Bucky saw last week. It just looks like Steve isn’t really there right now, and Bucky unexpectedly feels anger rise in his chest.

\----

Steve isn’t very productive after Schmidt’s little outburst. He was thinking of asking James something – he hadn’t decided yet – when James started asking something himself. At first Steve had the foolish hope he would ask him out, but it was just something about the students. Then James started another question, but..

 And now, Steve is feeling more ridiculous than ever. He can feel his face burning hot with humiliation. He is seriously considering not coming back ever again. He could manage doing something half acceptable from memory. James probably finds him ridiculous and needy, if he thinks Steve is just trying to get him in his bed…

When the class is over, Steve is one of the first to leave, head down, feeling like everyone is staring at him and mocking him. He waits for Schmidt in the parking lot and calls him out when he walks to his car.

“Hey, Schmidt!”

“What’s up, Rogers? Disappointed you didn’t have your way with the cripple?”

“You’re a dick, Schmidt. And don’t you dare call him that!”

“Ooooh, sorry! Is it love already?” Schmidt mocks him, walking towards him, making Steve back up until his back hits the wall.

“Fuck off. You have no right…”

“Oh really?... And what are you going to do?”

Steve knows it’s going one step too far before he even opens his mouth, but he can’t help himself. He hates bullies, and he knows so many things. Because everyone forgets him, doesn’t care if he’s here or not - because he’s invisible - he hears more secrets than anyone else. So he hopes he’s going to make Schmidt swallow his pride a little and get him off Steve’s back for a while.

“You weren’t that smug, Schmidt, when you were blowing your good friend Pierce, from what I heard…”

He knows he went too far and was asking for it, but the blow still hurts like hell when Schmidt’s fist meets his brow bones and he falls on all fours, blood darkening his vision.

“I ain’t no fucking faggot, Rogers, you hear me? If I find out you told anyone about that, I swear to god…” Schmidt throws a vicious kick at Steve’s belly, winding him for a couple of seconds. “I ain’t nothing like you, you fucking queer.” Steve has trouble catching his breath, he can feel his asthma kicking in. But Schmidt doesn’t seem to be done with him yet. “Say anything like that again, and I swear…” Through the red mist of the blood covering his eyes, Steve sees Schmidt arming a new blow, but he can’t move, he can’t breathe…

This is going to hurt.


	4. See you soon?

Bucky sees Steve, leaving the class as fast as possible, and inwardly swears. He doesn’t even bother putting on his bathrobe and just goes straight to the dressing room. Thank god with nine months of training, he barely needs five minutes to get his prosthesis on now, and even less to get fully dressed.

The only good thing coming out of it is that he’s sure now they play for the same team, he bitterly thinks while he walks out and scans the parking. He knows Steve is probably far away already, but he can’t help searching.

He hears sounds of voices a little further behind parked cars and walks towards it.

“I ain’t nothing like you, you fucking queer.”

Bucky freezes. Steve is in fetal position on the ground, and his breath makes an awful wheezing sound every time he tries to inhale. Schmidt is towering above him with a grin on his face.

“Say anything like that again, and I swear…”

Bucky’s blood boils when he sees Schmidt ready to throw a new punch when Steve is already down. He takes the few steps left between them and grabs Schmidt’s arm. He forces him to turn around and pushes him violently against the wall. Bucky’s right arm comes pressing hard against Schmidt’s throat while he kills any kind of riposte with a brutal kick in the groin. The whimper of pain it generates is music to Bucky’s ears.

“Don’t. Ever. Dare laying a hand on him again. You hear me?” Schmidt struggles against Bucky’s hold, but even one arm shorter, Bucky’s good enough. He sweeps Schmidt’s feet off the ground so the guy hangs by the neck for a second before he finds his steps back. “I didn’t get that. Do we agree?” he asks again, increasing the pressure on Schmidt’s throat.

Schmidt starts nodding hysterically, and, in his stifled voice, forces out in a “Yes, yeah, got it…”

Bucky lets him go with a last kick in the ass. “Next time, pick someone your own size!”

He thinks he can hear Schmidt answer with a “Fuck you, man” but Schmidt has waited to be far enough that he can’t be sure, and Steve obviously needs help, so Bucky let it slip.

He kneels next to Steve and lays a careful hand on his back.

“Steve? Are you ok?” Steve can’t seem to be able to talk and he just shakes his head. “Can I do anything to help?” Bucky starts to worry. There’s a lot of blood, but he knows face bleeds fast and hard. But Steve’s breath is really bad, wheezing and rough.

“My… my in… haler…”

“In your bag?” Bucky asks. Steve only nods in response, eyes shut. His body is shaking real bad under the effort it demands just to breathe.

So Bucky just jumps on Steve’s bag and starts searching. It doesn’t take long and soon he’s crawling back next to Steve and helps him in holding it to his mouth as Steve tries hard to breathe in the medicine, then holds his breath a few seconds. Bucky strokes light circles with his hand on Steve’s back while Steve’s breath slowly goes back to normal.

He takes advantage of this time to look more carefully at Steve. He has a narrow face, with defined cheekbones and his skin is so pale that the blood violently stands out on it. His eyes, filled with tears right now, are the most beautiful blue Bucky has ever seen. Steve has full lips and he keeps on biting at his lower ones as he starts breathing normally.

“You feel better?” Bucky asks, concerned.

“I’m… You shouldn’t have…”

“He was going to kill you, Steve…”

“I had him on the rope…”

Bucky can’t help but snort. “You sure did…” Steve looks up and Bucky’s smile disappears immediately. Steve looks so deeply offended, on the verge of tears once more. “I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…”

“Nevermind” Steve mumbles, looking away.

“Let me… You need…”

But Steve pushes Bucky’s hand away when he tries to take a look at his injury and it’s like a sting in Bucky’s chest. They're both startled when another voice rings in the parking.

“What the fuck happened here?”        

\---

Once the initial relief disappears and his breath is back to normal, Steve starts feeling so ashamed that he needed someone to save the day, even more so that James is the one to do it. He’s so useless; he should be able to finish the fight he starts, he bitterly thinks.

Steve keeps his head down, taking his time to breathe in and out slowly. James’s hand leaves a burning trail in its wake on Steve’s back, and he doesn’t want it to stop. He kind of hopes this moment doesn’t end, despite the blood in his eye and the pain in his head.

“You feel better?” He hears James ask.

“I’m…” Steve starts. He’s not ok, but he is at the same time. So he decides to take another road. “You shouldn’t have…” He trails off.

“He was going to kill you, Steve…” James looks really concerned about that possibility, but Steve doesn’t want him to think he’s a damsel in distress or anything.

“I had him on the rope…” He points out. The snort and the sharp “You sure did” it generates hits Steve right in the chest, and he feels like he could have another asthma attack right now.

 “I’m… I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” James starts, but Steve cuts him off right away. He knows he’s useless and he doesn’t need someone reminding him of his insufficiency.

“Nevermind,” he sharply says.

“Let me… You need…” James really sounds sorry and tries to reach for Steve’s chin to see his face but Steve just pushes the hand away.

Steve nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Mr. Barton’s voice.

 “What the fuck happened here?”       

Steve looks up and immediately tries to stand up. He leans against the wall to keep his balance and once more pushes James’ hand away when he tries to help him. James steps back immediately, and Steve can’t help giving him a quick glance. James is looking at the ground, with a deep frown.

“It’s nothing, sir. Just a little misunderstanding, I…”

“A little misunderstanding?” James stops him. Steve looks at him again and James is staring back, his eyes full of indignation. “That little shit from earlier was beating the hell out of him for no reason…” James tells Mr. Barton, with fury in his voice.

“He called you a crippled” Steve mumbles, too quietly to be heard by Mr. Barton. But a quick look at James and Steve’s sure he has heard it.

“Schmidt?” Mr. Barton looks surprised for a second then a little smile spreads on his face. “I’ve wanted to have a good reason to snub him for so long…” He shakes his head and turns to Steve, placing a light hand on his shoulder. “Steven, how do you feel?”

“I’m good, I’m going to be fine, thanks sir. There’s no need to make a fuss about it, please, I…”

“There’s no discussion here, Steven. I can’t force you to file a complaint, but I am going to report this to the Director.” Mr. Barton sternly says.

“I don’t need…”

“It’s not about what you need, Steven… That boy needs to understand he’s not above the rest of us. Think about it this way… Next time, it could be someone more fragile, or less lucky, and he could kill them…”

“He could have killed you, Steve… He was ready to do it…” James hesitantly adds, like he’s afraid of how Steve would react to him talking.

Steve’s eyes jump from one to the other dubiously, before his shoulders drop in defeat. “Yeah, I guess you’re right…”

“Do you want me to drive you to a police station?” James offers. “I could testify…” Steve nods weakly.

“Yeah, ok… Let me just… I’m gonna call a friend to take me home afterwards…”

\----

“He called you a crippled.”

It was no more than a whisper, but it is spinning madly in Bucky’s head. Steve is speaking with his friend (“No… No I swear I’m fine, ok? I’m just going to file a complaint, I just wanted to know if you could… Yeah… Thanks, mate. Yeah…”) and Mr. Barton has left after thanking Bucky for his intervention. Leaving him with that crazy truth.

Steve fought back because Schmidt called Bucky a crippled. That’s the most stupid and the most touching thing someone did for him in a long time. Bucky feels so bad for being his sardonic usual self and hurting Steve, especially now he knows that.

They remain silent for a couple of minutes once in the car. Bucky chews the inside of his cheek, trying to find a way to apologize.

“Steve…”

“Hmm?” Steve is looking at the lights passing on the road from his window and doesn’t turn to him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean… I didn’t…” Bucky sighs heavily. “God I suck so much… I don’t know how to be around people… I didn’t mean to hurt you… I just was really scared…”

Steve does turn his head, and as far as Bucky can judge, he looks skeptical.

“Scared about what?” he asks shyly.

Bucky huffs. “You should take a look at yourself, Stevie…” He bites his tongue when he realize how he called Steve. But then Steve doesn’t seem to mind, so maybe it’s not that bad. “I thought he had you good…”

“I’m fine, James…” Steve puts a hand above Bucky’s own, just a second, before taking it away and looking at the window again. It burns Bucky where they touched, and he wants it to happen again. “I’m not mad at you, it’s just… I hate being that way…” Bucky parks the car but doesn’t move, hoping Steve will keep talking. “I know I was not going to win this fight, you know. I’m not stupid. I know what I am... And what I look like.” Bucky hates the disgust on Steve’s face when he talks about himself. He doesn’t know what Steve sees, but Bucky doubts he would share his view.

“It’s no big deal, Steve… It doesn’t make me any happier to be able to kick these kind of bastard’s ass…" he jokes. Then adds "Except tonight…”

Oh, nice move, Barnes. Real smooth. Bucky could facepalm if it wouldn’t ridicule him even more.

“Come on, let’s go…” He decides he should stop talking and steps out of his car, and Steve follows.

\---

He called him Stevie… It just slipped, and he really looked concerned… And Steve finds himself unable to hold a grudge against James.

It takes them the best part of an hour to file the complaint, but as the police officer pointed out, they are lucky they didn’t have to wait more. James still looks like he’s trying to apologize to Steve, and Steve tries his best to look friendly and show him everything’s fine.

James decides to wait with Steve until Sam arrives. He takes out a cigarette and asks Steve if it’s alright (it is, it doesn’t bother Steve when they are outside) before lighting it. Steve might be staring as James tilts his head up and exhales a cloud of smoke with a small hum of satisfaction. His jawline stands out under the light of the street, and Steve dreams about kissing his way up from his ear to his gorgeous lips.

“You’re fine?”

Steve blinks. “What?”

“You looked… absent…” James looks concerned again, and Steve wants to stroke the crease between his eyebrows away.

“Hum… Sorry. Got caught in thoughts I guess…” Steve shakes his head a little.

“You’re sure he didn’t hit you too hard, Steve?”

“Yeah, I’m good… I’m good…”  His phone rings and he sees a text message from Sam, warning him he is parked a little further down the curb. “My friend is here, gotta…” he starts walking away.

“Hey, Steve…”

Steve turns around immediately. “Yeah?”

“Would you mind sending me a text once you’re home safe and sound?”

“Sure, James… Just…”

Steve hands his phone out so James can type his number away. He then calls it so James gets his. He smiles at James before starting to type his name.

“Bucky…” he hears James say.

“What was that?” he asked.

“My friends… They call me Bucky…” James hesitantly says, looking at his shoes.

“ok.” Steve corrects it on his phone. “Well then, Bucky…” James lifts his head with a small smile. “Give me your best face…” Steve asks before taking a picture. Bucky retaliates in kind with a small laugh.

Steve waves goodbye as he starts walking to Sam – who is impatiently honking at him. He gives a quick look at the picture he just took and he nearly loses his train of thoughts. Bucky’s eyes are lighting up with joy, and even with just half a smile, his face is the most beautiful one Steve ever had the pleasure to see.

If he had looked back, he would have seen an even bigger smile on Bucky’s face.

\----

Bucky finishes his cigarette while staring at the picture he took of Steve. He looks at it again, and again during the evening, ignoring Nat’s derisive remarks. He knows she’s happy he went out of his comfort zone, and that’s her way to play it cool (after she yelled at him for getting into a fight. But it didn't last. After all, he had a good reason. This time.)

When his phone finally rings, he nearly jumps on it and ignores her laugh completely. It’s him.

**Steve: home at last. Hospital check, I will apparently survive. Just three stitches.**

**Steve: I look badass :)**

There’s a picture attached to the last message. Steve his smiling at the camera, with a beginning of a black eye and his thumb up. Bucky can’t help but laugh.

**Bucky : You sure do… I’m happy to know you’re fine.**

**Steve: Yep. Will go to bed now.**

**Bucky: see you soon?**

**Steve : certainly hope so.**

**Steve:  Goodnight Buck ;)**

Bucky stares at his phone screen long after it switches off.


	5. I don't know how

“Ohmyfummckmmmmgomdmm” Steve whines into his pillow.

“What’s that?” he hears Sam’s amused voice from the door.

“Why, Sam?” Steve raises his head enough for his words to be heard. “Why did you leave me my phone? You _know_ what painkillers do to me…”

“You mean, like … disinhibit you a little?” Steve can hear the delight in his friend’s voice. He hates him.

After he woke up and realized his reduce vision was because he couldn’t open his right eye anymore, Steve fished his phone from his bedside table and switched it back on. To an open chat window. With James. Having a discussion he has no memory whatsoever about.

He takes a closer look at the conversation, starting at the beginning. He facepalms when he sees the picture he sent Bucky, with his goofy high-on-painkillers face, and a _thumb up_. Like… why does he always regress to his teenage self under any medication stronger than aspirin? And he used a _winking_ smiley after wishing James goodnight. And called him Buck. That’s just perfect. It’s not like he ever had any chance with Bucky, but now he’s sure he will _never_ , ever have one. Steve feels so ridiculous, but the worst is yet to come when he sees he actually kept sending messages _afterwards_.

**Steve: you know, I wanted to tell you**

**Steve: you are the most beautiful model I ever drawn :)**

**Steve: And it’s a pleasure to work on you :)**

**Steve: or with you. Whatever.**

**Bucky: hum… thanks?**

**Steve: You know Schmidt was wrong, right?**

**Steve: I’m not trying to get you in my bed**

**Steve: I’m not sure I’ll mind if you say yes**

**Steve: but I’m not. I just wanted to talk with you**

**Steve: because you are fascinating**

**Steve: and I want to know you**

**Steve: I’m rambling, right?**

**Steve: I’m sorry. Ignore me. I’m a little high right now.**

**Bucky: it’s alright, Steve. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, when you feel better, ok?**

**Steve: ok. I probably won’t have the courage tho.**

**Steve: you should ignore me tomorrow. It’ll be easier for us both.**

**Bucky: go to sleep, Stevie. It’s alright.**

Oh God. Oh fucking god. What has he done?

“Saaaaam…” he whines again. Sam grabs his phone and quickly reads the exchange before laughing.

“Well ,that’s one hell of a step forward, is it not?” he asks proudly, shuffling Steve’s hair a little more.

“That’s a disaster. He probably already thought shit of me, being unable to protect even myself… But now he probably thinks I’m a complete fool… It’s terrible, Sam…”

That’s it, Steve won’t go back to the Friday’s class. No way ever on earth.

“I think it went rather well…” Sam answers. “You sure know what your best profile is…” Steve snatches his phone away with a dark look while Sam can’t hold back another laugh. "What? That pic is perfect!"

"I hate you."

"No you don't. I made you breakfast..." Sam tentatively offers.

Steve stares at him for a second. Sam's breakfast are close to the best thing Steve ever tasted. "Ok... Then I just profoundly dislike you..."

"That's my boy..." Sam laughs while helping Steve up. "We should put something on that eye too..."

"Breakfast first..."

"Breakfast first" Sam approves.

\---

Bucky was nearly asleep when Steve started texting him again, and it does feel like a dream in morning light. He doesn't dare switching up his phone, because he's going to be so disappointed if he just imagined it all...

Nat is long gone to work, and Bucky has the house for himself. Well, for himself and Nat's cat, Tipsy, who seems to like nothing more than rubbing himself against Bucky's legs to try and make him fall. He decides he's not motivated enough for breakfast and instead go lay on the couch and watch TV. Tipsy immediately takes up residence on Bucky's lap and demands to be petted. Bucky has learnt a long time ago that you'd better meet Tipsy's request at once, or face a painful punishment, so he complies. His phone burns in his pocket and he takes it out and spins it in his hand.

He holds his ground maybe half an hour before giving up and switching it on. He can feel a wide smile spreading on his face while he rereads the whole discussion. So it was not an hallucination after all... He giggles a little. Steve said he was beautiful. Like... How high was the man to actually think something like that?

He also said he wanted to get to know Bucky better. Bucky isn't sure if he's excited or terrified by the prospect. He's comfortable with no one but Nat knowing him. Sam being the other exception, but Sam is his shrink, it's not like they are ever going to share a beer, or anything. He’s better off being no one for the rest of the world.

But the last words Steve sent are the ones making him reply. Because as terrified as he is about opening up to someone, he finds himself unable to stand the thought that Steve thinks Bucky would only talk to him out of… goodness? Pity? _You should ignore me tomorrow. It’ll be easier for us both._ How is it supposed to be easier for Bucky to ignore Steve?

**Bucky: Good morning! Feeling better?**

Let’s keep it simple. Simple is fine. He starts growing nervous when five minutes pass without answer, and Tipsy leaves his lap with an outraged caterwaul when he can’t keep still. He begins to regret ever sending a message when his phone buzzes in his hand.

**Steve: I’m so so so sorry about yesterday.**

Maybe Steve actually doesn’t believe a word he said…

**Bucky: Why’s that?**

**Bucky: you did nothing wrong.**

He keeps staring at his phone until it buzzes again.

**Steve: painkillers tend to iron out any filter between my brain and my mouth…**

Oh god. He was thinking it then. Maybe. Bucky can’t really get around that idea.

**Steve: I don’t want to scare you away**

Bucky smiles and after a few seconds of deliberation, decides to go with the truth. Steve has been open right now, so Bucky feels like he has to return the favor. Maybe he’ll feel better than every time he lied to people to avoid socialization.

**Bucky: I’m scared. But not of you.**

**Bucky: I told you I’m not good with people anymore.**

**Bucky: I’m afraid you might not like me for long once you star really knowing me. Who I used to be. What I’ve done.**

It doesn’t feel good at all, and after waiting what seems to be an eternity, Bucky throws his phone on the couch to go take a shower. How to look pathetic in three text messages… He thinks maybe the best would be if he manages to drown in his own shower.

\---

Steve feels like the breakfast he just finished having is going to go back up right away when he sees he got a message from Bucky. Why does it feel so natural calling him by his nickname, Steve can’t even try to figure out. But it comes so much easier than James. It’s like Steve always called him that way.

“Oh fuck fuck fuck….” He mumbles, sitting on the edge of his bed. He decides to apologize, because he really made a fool of himself. But Bucky almost immediately ask why. Steve chews on his lips, trying to figure out how to explain without sounding like he’s regretting. Because… Yes, he’s regretting the way it came out, but he still believes it.  So for once, he tries to go with the truth. Just to regret it immediately because he sounds completely needy…

And Bucky doesn’t answer. That’s it. Steve has killed it. He has to tell Sam not to let him speak to any man anymore ever. It’s ridiculous. No wonder no one is interested in him, he’s completely stupid. He jumps when the phone rings again.

**Bucky: I’m scared. But not of you.**

What the hell does that even mean? He starts typing the question away but gets another message before he finishes.

**Bucky: I told you I’m not good with people anymore.**

**Bucky: I’m afraid you might not like me for long once you start really knowing me. Who I used to be. What I’ve done.**

Steve finds himself dumb when he reads this. He rereads a second time to make sure he got it right. Sure, he doesn’t know the guy like, at all… But Bucky took the time to talk to him, to save his sorry ass, to text him and from his messages, Steve thinks Bucky might be ok with them becoming friends. Steve hasn’t met many people ready to take the time to go past the sick and skinny outside, even less trying to stay after the first time Steve snapped at them… The way he did with Bucky yesterday night. Steve is extremely good at repelling people. He has a fucking degree. But Bucky hung on. He stayed, apologized when it was Steve who overreacted, and even messaged him back even though Steve gave him a way out if he wanted to. He can’t be that much of an awful man. Steve can’t believe it.

Steve starts his message over for the fifth time, then hits send before he can regret it. He puts his phone in his pocket with a sigh and gets up to rejoin Sam in the living room.

\---

Bucky is drying his hair when he walks back to the couch and sits heavily. He eyes his phone darkly, damning himself for that stupid text and that stupid need he feels to get Steve to _understand_ him.

Today is Saturday. First Saturday of the month. Which means meeting with Sam in the afternoon, and with Dr. Banner at Stark industry to talk about the bionic arm. Bucky already knows it’s going to be a very exhausting day. Not so much physically, but emotionally. It will be draining. So he needs to get rid of as much superfluous things as possible. Like the fact Steve will have either ignored him or nicely given him the brush off.

He squeezes his phone hard to try and ignore the fact his hand is slightly shaking and switches it on.

**Steve: We’ll never know if you don’t let me try. I’m not good with people either, Bucky, but I really want to try and know you. I don’t understand why you are still talking to me right now, but I won’t push my luck away this time. I feel comfortable around you, and that’s not something I’m used to. So I’d like us to be friend. I’m not asking you to tell me all of your darkest secrets now. As I told you the first time, if one day you want to tell me, I’ll be there. But I’m fine with getting to know the person you are now. If you are willing to.**

There’s a second message, merely five minutes later.

**Steve: Once again, don’t feel like you have to answer. I’ll understand.**

Bucky feels like something is crushing his heart and he focuses on his breathing to keep from getting sick. Steve feels comfortable around him. It’s a relief, because Bucky felt like a psycho, feeling so close to Steve when they barely spent a whole day together – if you can count being many feet away and not exchanging a word as “together”.

Bucky tries to think about something to answer, something that will show Steve he’s willing to invest himself too. But he can’t come up with any idea. Groaning with frustration, he ends up sending “ **Are you free tomorrow at noon?** ”

He stares at the screen, and smiles when a “ **yes, sure** ” appears in response.

\----

“How are you doing lately, James?”

Bucky looks up at Sam and realizes there’s been a long silence, during which Bucky lost himself in staring at his own hand. It happens less and less – the first appointments were filled with silences. Sam has always let Bucky decide how fast he wanted to take things. But they both know those silence means Bucky’s head is filled with too many things at once.

“’m ok I guess…” Bucky mumbles. He always feels weird talking about his feeling when he likes nothing more than burying them as deep as he can. “Only had 3 nightmares this week, and only broke down twice, so…”

“That’s very good, James”

What Bucky likes about Sam is that he doesn’t overplay joy or excitement when Bucky manages to get something right. He just acknowledges it, and voices it to make sure Bucky knows he did good. But Bucky never feels patronized in any way, and it’s so important to him.

“But that’s not what I wanted us to talk about.” Oh crap. “Remember what we talked about, like… a month ago?” Sam asks softly.

A month ago. Bucky remembers that appointment as clear as day. Sam had asked him how his social life was going. About his friends, his family. Bucky’d clammed up. Sam, knowing Bucky as well as he does, didn’t push any further.

“Do you feel ready to talk about it?”

Bucky looks at Sam, begging him with his eyes. He doesn’t want to. Before coming to Sam, Bucky’s life was a mess. Now it’s just slightly more organized, but Bucky is terrified at the idea of looking into the shits of his past.

“It’s all right if you say no. I just think there’s something new on your mind that’s ruining you…”

“I….” Bucky takes a deep breath. “I met someone that I think I might like.”

Sam doesn’t say anything more, just looks at him with his indecipherable smile.

“He wants to get to know me, but I … I think… I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“Why?”

“Because… Because I can’t… I can’t be a normal person anymore, I don’t know how… And he’s going to…I’m gonna screw everything u…”

“James?” Sam stops him. “Breathe. What about you wait and see? Whoever he is, maybe he’ll surprise you. Do you think it’s a possibility?”

Well… It wouldn’t be the first time Steve surprises Bucky. So Bucky nods.

“Then try and let yourself be surprised, ok? Just enjoy what comes, and try not to forget that if you change your mind about him, it’s not the end of the world, ok? You’re allowed to change your opinion of people…”

Bucky nods again.

“Last time… Last time ended up real bad, Sam. I don’t want to screw this one up. I want to do things right. And I don’t know if I can.”

“James… Only time will tell you this. But you need to take the chance, otherwise you’ll never know. But try not to think too much about the past. From what you told me, you’re not the one who screwed up last time… Don’t let it ruin your future, ok?”

Bucky nods, but he’s not sure he actually believes Sam on this one. He can’t help thinking the meeting with Steve is a terrible idea.

The rest of the afternoon is kind of a blur and Bucky can’t remember what he’s told five minutes before. Just as he planned, he’s so emotionally drained that he locks himself in his bedroom as soon as he gets home. Nat isn’t there yet and Bucky just lets himself fall on his mattress head first and closes his eyes. He feels his phone buzzing in his pocket and fishes it out.

**Steve: hope your day was fine.**

**Steve: where do we meet tomorrow?**

Bucky lazily types his answer with a little smile.

**Bucky: long. Exhausting. What about yours?**

**Bucky: little bar in the abandoned theater close to your school?**

**Steve: Rather fine. love that place! 11:30?**

**Bucky: ok :)**

**Steve: Get some rest now…**

**Steve: goodnight buck ;)**

**Bucky: goodnight stevie.**

Bucky lets his phone down, reveling the feeling of lightness in his chest for the first time of the afternoon. He closes his eyes with a smile.

\---

He wakes up screaming. Covered in sweat. Crying. His left arm hurts. It doesn’t matter that he knows there’s nothing left to hurt. It hurts like hell. He hears Nat’s voice calling his name, but he can’t breathe in deep enough to be able to speak back. He can’t help himself struggling against invisible arms.

Once he starts to calm down – more like once he exhausts himself - Nat steps closer and takes him in her arms.

“It’s fine, Bucky, you’re safe…” she whispers while she takes off his shirt and starts detaching the bionic arm. “You just fell asleep with your prosthesis on, sweetie… That’s why you had a nightmare… But it’s fine… You are going to be fine, ok?”

“Please don’t, please… Don’t make me…” he whines, still not sure where he is and with who.

“Bucky… Come back to me, please…”

Bucky is shaking and can’t hold back a whine of relief when Nat finally takes off the arm and kisses his forehead while rubbing light circles on his stump.

“It’s all right, sweetie, you’re alright…”

“I’m sorry Nat, I’m sorry… I didn’t mean…” he grabs her sleeve with his hand and hold on to it like a lifeline.

“Hey, hey, I’m not mad…” she takes his face in his hands. “Look at me, James… I’m not mad, ok?”

Bucky’s breath is still shaky but he exhales a small “ok” before she squeezes him back into a tight hug. He can’t help but thinking how unfair it is to cause so much trouble to people he loves. 


	6. It takes one to know one

Steve had lost all hope of getting any answer. He’s angry at himself for being so affected by it. He’s used to not let anyone close and doesn’t understand why he couldn’t do this with Bucky. He doesn’t remember – maybe he’s never known – how it felt like to crave for someone’s company. And to say the truth, even if Steve is physically attracted to Bucky like he rarely ever has been to anyone, what he wants more than anything is to get to know him and to let Bucky know him.

Sam has left, because he works on Saturday afternoons and Steve is left with nothing but his own thoughts to chew on. He tries to draw a little to keep his mind busy, but every silhouette he draws ends up having the same pouty lips, the same dark eyelashes and clear eyes, the same body. Steve tries to draw Bucky with both arms, but it doesn’t feel natural. Maybe because he’s only seen him how he is now. So he doesn’t feel like there’s anything missing.

He shatters his pencil lead when his ringtone breaks the silence of the flat. He nearly jumps on his phone and clumsily types his password to switch it on.

**Bucky: Are you free tomorrow at noon?**

Steve probably spend ten good seconds gaping at his phone. Then, before fear makes him regret anything, he quickly types “ **yes, sure** ”. He lets himself fall on his couch and stares at the ceiling, smiling like a madman. Bucky wants to meet him. That’s something at least.

\---

For the sixth time this morning, Bucky takes his phone to cancel the meeting with Steve. And for the sixth time, Nat stops him.

“I can’t, I can’t… I’m gonna…”

“Bucky, stop! Stop ruining everything before you even had a taste of it! For fuck sake, you are so amazing at that, you could be world champion…” Nat is only snarky when she’s really invested in something.

“But…”

“No buts, asshole… I heard you _giggling_ yesterday in your room… Do you have any idea when the last time I heard that sound was?” Nat smiles sadly and insists “I want you to giggle more, Bucky…” Then her eyes get hard. “So you are going to meet this guy, even if I have to drag you there. Period.”

Bucky sighs. Seems like he has no choice, because just like her cat, what Nat wants, Nat gets. Or makes you strongly regret.

\---

Steve starts getting reckless comes Sunday morning. The short discussion he shared with Bucky the night before did nothing to help with his uncertainty. Bucky had been more than concise. And apparently he had a shitty day. Steve feels like he was bothering him somehow.

The two silver linings are the place Bucky wants them to meet – The Vision is one of Steve’s favorite places – and the last text Bucky sent. He called him Stevie. Again. Steve might get used to it.

When he leaves his place, Steve keeps jumping from feeling like he’s going to throw up and feeling like he just drank three Redbulls in one go. It doesn’t take long to reach his destination and Steve goes and sits at his usual place – a little far from the center, but quieter, and a good spot to draw people without them seeing. Then he waits. Preparing himself to be stood up.

\---

Bucky steps out of Nat’s car, cursing every god to have thrown her in his life to screw it up so bad. Because in his mind, there’s nine chances out of ten that Steve won’t be here. But Nat won’t leave until Bucky enters the bar, so he takes a deep breath and goes.

He looks around in the cozy bar and doesn’t spot any known face. He walks a little more in, in case Steve is in one of the distant booths. He’s already turning around, head down and feeling like shit, when a voice makes him stop.

“Hey, Buck! Right here!”

Steve came. He’s here, poking his head out of the booth he is sitting in and waving at Bucky with a gorgeous smile on his face. Bucky feels like he’s floating when he walks to join him.

“Hey, Steve.” He softly answers once seated opposite to Steve. “Thought you wouldn’t be there…”

“Yeah? I thought the same…” Steve says with a sad smile. “Guess we like to surprise one another, then…”

“It’s a good surprise…” Bucky says to his hands. The silence lingers a little, but it’s not uncomfortable, not really. Bucky has known worst. He looks up. “That asshole didn’t misfire…” he says with a little move toward Steve’s black eye.

Steve brings his fingers to brush the bruise and winces.

“Yeah… Thank to you, that’s the only injury I got… I’m sorry I snapped at you. Because it was very brave, what you did.”

Bucky shakes his head, looking down again. He doesn’t deserve thanks. It was only the right thing to do. And the only reason he did it is because of the unexplainable attraction he feels for Steve. So he definitely doesn’t deserve thanks.

“Bucky… look at me… please?”

Bucky hesitantly looks up and Steve smiles immediately.

“It’s a good surprise for me too, you know. I don’t know… I don’t know why you’re here, but I am really happy.”

Bucky stares a little, frowning slightly. He doesn’t really understand Steve.

“I… Why wouldn’t I be here?”

“Because I’m…” Steve takes a deep breath. “I’m used to people only giving me one quick look. I know I’m not good looking, far from it, and I know… I know, I’ve been told that enough… That I’m withdrawn, and I’m not interesting, I’m cynical, I’m pessimistic, I own all the drawbacks you can think of,  I can’t have a good time, I can’t even defend myself… I’m nothing much, really… So yeah… Yeah… You would have plenty of reasons not to be there… And I’m incredibly happy you are. No matter the reason. Because I don’t know why I feel so comfortable around you, Bucky, but what I know is that I haven’t felt that way with anyone since I’ve met my best friend. More than 15 years ago. I just… It’s nice, being able to be myself without feeling like a failure and a disaster. I mean, we spent a couple of hours together and I feel more at ease with you than I am with people I’ve shared classes with during the last three years… I don’t know… I … I’m just glad you’re here.”

\---

Steve feels a little out of breath once he’s done. He doesn’t get why it all came out so frankly. And he feels vulnerable, under Bucky’s stare. He searches for something to avoid it and takes out his inhaler, making the most of the distraction.

“Steve…” Bucky mumbles. “Are you ok?”

Steve nods. He’s not. Because right now, he’s waiting to get a nice, hurtful blow. But he can’t really say it out loud…

“Steve, I’m… I don’t think you’re not much. Actually, I think… I think you are the most fascinating person I’ve met in a very long time. Of course I want to be there. Because you’re wrong. You’re wrong. You are interesting, you are kind and caring… You are so much. So much.”

“You don’t know me…”

Bucky reaches across the table to cover Steve’s hand with his own.

“I know how you treated me. Since I came back, you’re the first person –the _first_ one, Stevie – who didn’t reduce me to my wound at first sight. And just for that, I refuse to think you could be a bad person. And I’ve met my fair share of assholes, believe me…  I just… I feel the same way you do, Steve. Like, I feel I could tell you anything and you would just be there for me. And it terrifies me. Because I don’t do trusting anymore. And because if I’m wrong, it’s gonna hurt so fucking much, and I can’t…I can’t…I don’t know how to anymore…”

Steve squeezes Bucky’s hand lightly.

“It’s ok, Bucky. I’m going to say it again: whatever you want to share with me, I’ll happily listen, but please, _please_ don’t ever feel like you owe me anything. You don’t. I can guess you’ve been through rough shits, and… Well, I can imagine it’s still hard. And I want to help, if ever I can. And if you want me to. I’m just… I’m not asking to get to know you right now, but … Maybe wait and see?”

Bucky nods weakly. The waitress steps in and both straightens immediately and try to regain composure. They order their meal – Bucky takes a Mac’n’cheese (because they’re the best ever, he tells Steve) and Steve takes a corn dog. Once the waitress leaves, they stay in silence, just looking at each other with small smiles. Bucky bites his lower lip before opening his mouth.

“For what it worth… I think you are beautiful, Steve.”

Steve can feel the heat of his blush on his cheeks and he lowers his head to hide his bashful smile. That’s … unexpected. And amazing. And if a part of him doesn’t believe a word of it, Steve tries to ignore it right now. He mumbles a thank you and Bucky just nervously giggles a welcome.

“So…” Steve decisively starts. “What do you want to talk about?”

 ---

Bucky freezes a second. What does he wants to talk about… He wants to get to know Steve, that he’s sure of. But then again, he also knows he’ll have to share some things from his own past. Because it would be unfair otherwise. So he decides to go with the one thing he’s sure he can handle.

“Where did you grow up?” he asks with a smile. “From your accent, I’d say Brooklyn, but…”

“Yep, you’d be right. But then again, it takes one to know one, right?”

Bucky nods, still smiling.

“Yeah, born and raised in Brooklyn. My dad left when I was a baby – couldn’t handle having spawned a sickly child, so he just ran away. So it was just my Ma and I… And my Ma… She was amazing. So strong. So caring. So stubborn too. I wouldn’t be there if not for her” he laughs.

“Like mother, like son, I’d say…” Bucky jokes fondly. Steve’s face when he talks about his mother… It’s so full of love, Bucky can feel it overflowing everywhere. Steve said he’s withdraw, but Bucky thinks people just don’t know how to look right. Because the Steve in front of him is so open, Bucky feels like he’s known him forever.

“Maybe” Steve snorts. “Anyway… What exactly would you like to know?”

“I…” Bucky doesn’t know how to answer and tries to swallow the lump that just appeared in his throat.. He just wants to know anything Steve is willing to tell him. “I…”

“It’s ok. I can do the talking for a while if you want…” Steve waits for Bucky to nod before he keeps going. “ok, so as you might guess from looking at me, I’ve always been smaller and skinnier than… well everyone…”

“Steve…” Bucky really doesn’t like that belittling tone Steve has when he talks about himself.

“’t’s alright, Buck. It’s only the truth… Anyway. You know how children – and even more teenagers – can get. It’s easier to hit on the one that can’t really strike back. I tried to defend myself, but most of the time… Well let’s just say that before Sam decided to protect me, I ended up pretty beaten up on regular basis… No matter how many times my Ma ended up yelling in the director’s office…”

Bucky feels anger rising in his chest and tries to tell himself he can’t do anything anymore about that. He can only swear himself he won’t let anyone hurt Steve ever again. His anger probably shows, because Steve is the one reaching for his hand this time, and he smiles softly.

“It’s alright, Bucky. It’s over now. Apart from dicks like Schmidt, I don’t get that much bullied anymore. I just get ignored. I guess it’s better.” He jokes. “At least it leaves less marks…”

“Don’t… don’t talk about it like it’s normal…” Bucky interrupts Steve. “You…”

“I was an easy target. That’s the truth. So I’m happy to be ignored now. Well, anyway, Sam – Sam is my best friend since I was 8 or something – he always protected me after we met. It went easier afterwards.”

Bucky finds it funny they both know a Sam – but then, there are probably a billion in New York… He quickly focuses back on Steve.

“Then my Ma died. Cancer. Went pretty quickly. One day she was there, and then… I was alone…”

“Steve… I’m so sorry…” Bucky intertwines their fingers and squeezes hard.

“It’s fine, Buck. It was hard at first. But now I’m ok. She was everything bringing balance in my life, and… I think without Sam, I would have let myself die. I still miss her. Terribly sometimes.”

“Yeah, I can understand…” Steve gives him a small smile and squeezes his hand back. That’s probably what gives Bucky the bravery to keep talking. “I lost my parents too. Car crash. When I was 16. I had no other family. So I ended up in a foster family. Didn’t last long, tho.”

“What happened?” Steve asks softly.

“The father was brutalizing a younger girl who had been placed there too. Her name was Becky. Funny how I remember this when we never saw each other after that… Anyway I stepped in. Broke his nose. He broke my arm. But at least all children were taken away from them. And my best friend convinced her parents to take me in until the end of high school.”

Steve doesn’t look at him with pity, but Bucky feels like he is… understood… And it feels good, somehow.

“You know what hurt me most?” Steve asks with a melancholic smile. “It’s kind of ridiculous, but… I was really sad she didn’t get to see me on graduation day…”

“Yeah, with the cap and the silly robe? Yeah, it’s was an awful day.” They share a sad smile. Bucky can’t help thinking how much he hates it, that they are sharing the pain of watching families being happy when you have nothing left

The waitress comes back with their meal, and for a little while, they remain silent, comfortably enjoying their meals.

Steve starts talking again once they are done, talking about his year at university, and the funny things he saw – about model, other students, teachers… Steve is incredibly attentive to details, and he has a gift to tell stories. Bucky could nearly believe he was there. It’s a nice moment. Sometimes, Bucky slips an anecdote about his very short time at university. Steve never pushes him to tell him more, and always picks up on what Bucky just said.  Bucky is so thankful. It’s been so long since the last time he didn’t have the feeling to be unsuitable, unable to act like a normal person. Steve just makes him feel so… present. Because he talks to him always looking at him in the eyes, when other people always slide glances at his arm, especially when he’s wearing his prosthesis. Because he includes him in the conversation, without forcing him to be too active. Because Steve is amazing.

Suddenly, Bucky’s phone buzzes and he curses it while excusing himself to Steve.

**Nat: Are you ok?**

**Bucky: yeah. Why?**

**Nat: It’s nearly 4. I thought I would pick you up earlier considering how you felt about the whole meeting, that’s all :)**

“Holy shit…”

“Something’s wrong?” Steve asks, concerned.

“No… It’s just… I didn’t see time fly by...”

Steve takes a quick glance at his own phone.

“Oh fuck! I have assignments to finish for tomorrow! I have to…”

“Yeah, I should go too actually…”

Steve is already up and looks really distressed and now Bucky feels sorry about keeping him there too long. But Steve grabs his hand.

“Bucky, I had a great time…”

“Yeah, me too…” Bucky softly answers.

“We should do that again, ok?”

Bucky unbelievably stares at Steve before uttering “O…um… ok” and Steve’s smile is blinding.

\---

Steve can’t believe how amazing it was. They talked so easily, and Steve was so comfortable. He thinks Bucky was as well. And Steve got to watch Bucky’s gorgeous face all along. He didn’t even broke down talking about his Ma… And they held hands… and…

“Steve! You’re daydreaming again…” Sam mocks him from the kitchen.

“Yeah, yeah…” Steve mutters.

“You won’t get anything done with that dreamy smile of yours…”

“Shut up, Sam…” Steve joyfully throws a pencil at Sam’s face and misses him by at least ten inches, making Sam laugh even harder.

Steve knows Sam is right and he really needs to finish this essay, so he grabs his phone and takes a decision to try and be able to focus.

**Steve: Doing anything tomorrow after 5?**

**Bucky: working til 6, but free afterwards.**

**Bucky: what’s on your mind?**

**Steve: I don’t know yet. We’ll figure it out?**

**Bucky: Good for me.**

Steve smiles widened. Well... All things considered, he isn't sure it was the best move to keep his head in his work…


	7. Alive

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional tags will be appearing with new chapters! ^^

Monday is a long day. Like… minutes feel like hours and everything is agonizingly slow. On top of that, Steve has no drawing sessions on his schedule, so it’s just lecture courses. Sitting on a bench that hurts his butt for hours, listening to the monotonous voices of the teachers… Usually Steve always finds everything interesting, but today, his mind is replaying yesterday’s meeting over and over. He keeps doodling on his writing pads – it’s a habit of his, but today, his doodles have the shape of the dimple in the middle of Bucky’s chin, of his half, crooked smile, of his strong hand, his beautiful eyes…

When he finally finishes his day, he runs out and probably never ever made it home that fast… Bucky texted him around noon to tell him he would come and grab him at Steve’s place, and then Steve gets to choose where they head. Steve has a whole hour to get prepared and think about it. That should be enough…

That’s so fucking short.

\----

Bucky stops on the curbside and grabs his phone. He’s relieved he managed to find Steve’s street without any issue.

**Bucky: I’m here**

**Steve: On my way**

Bucky takes advantage of the couple of minutes it takes Steve to come down to check himself in the interior mirror. He gathers his long hair in a low ponytail, thinking – maybe for the hundredth time – that he should really get it cut. Well it’s too late now, and he can’t change it for at least the next month and a half, otherwise he’ll have a whole class of angry artists to deal with… The thought makes him laugh and he shakes his head.

“What’s so funny?” Steve opens the door, making Bucky jerk.

“Trying to kill me, Rogers?” Bucky jokingly asks, bringing his hand to his heart. Steve shakes his head, giggling a little while taking his seat in the car.

“So… What’s so funny?”

Bucky stares at him, trying to look deadly serious while he declares in his most gloomy voice, “An army of art students…”

Steve stares for a couple of seconds, puzzled, before he bursts out laughing. “What?”

“Was thinking of cutting my hair, and then thought I would have to face the wrath of all your classmates…”

Steve giggles again. “Oh yes. We’d all hate you for that…” he confirms. “You should be scared…” he tries to says seriously but Bucky sees the wrinkles in the corner of his eyes and it’s not long before Steve starts laughing again. And Bucky is left with nothing but the need to hear and watch Steve laughing more. But Steve’s laugh dies and they end up staring at each other.

Bucky clears his throat. “So?” he asks.

“So what?”

“Where should we go?”

Steve looks out the window. “I thought… Dinner first, then… the Museum of Art is having a nocturnal exhibition tonight… If you are interested of course?” Steve gives Bucky an uncertain look.

“Yeah, that’d be… that’d be great, Steve. I haven’t been in a Museum in years, but I’d love to.”

Steve smiles so beautifully. Bucky thinks he’s screwed. Because he will do anything to have Steve smile that way all the time.

“Ok.. So… dinner first?” Steve asks again.

“Yep, I’m starving!” Bucky answers. “Any idea, or I get to choose that one?”

“I thought about one…”

“Ha! Then I’ll get to choose next time!” If Steve wants a next time, that is to say…

“Deal!” It’s Bucky’s turn to smile, and he’s focused on the road, so he doesn’t get to see how Steve is staring.

\---

Bucky is so gorgeous when he smiles, Steve thinks he might be ready to give everything he has to to have him smile more often. A real smile, warm and happy. Not the crooked one – even if this one is incredibly sexy.

Their evening is, once again, completely perfect. They still both are so comfortable with one another, it feels like they knew each other since forever. Steve can see Bucky trying hard to share as much as he can. And Steve is so grateful, because he gets it. He gets how hard and even painful it must be for Bucky. So he tries to thank him, without using words. By not pushing him. By taking his hand when he feels what Bucky says is really hard to get out. By not letting uncomfortable silence settles in.

Steve thinks Bucky is so brave for deciding to be a soldier. Steve probably would have enlisted if he didn’t gather half the list of prohibitive illnesses… And he says so…  But when he hears Bucky, he wonders why so many of them young people want to go down that road…

“I wanted to do the right thing, you know. But war is not what you might think it is. There’s nothing right in it. Because it all depends on which side you stand, you see? … And it’s just… I…”

“It’s alright, Bucky… We don’t have to talk about it if it’s too hard.” Steve says when Bucky’s breath gets caught on a little. “I can’t know how awful it all have been, but I am so sorry you had to go through all this…”

“I hope you’ll never know, Stevie… It’s just… Sometimes I feel like I died back there…” Steve squeezes Bucky’s hand hard.

“But you didn’t, Buck. Thank god you didn’t…” Bucky gives him a sad smile.

They leave the restaurant after two solid hours of talking and enjoying amazing food. Bucky suggests they walk to the Museum and Steve happily agrees. It’s not that far. And Bucky’s face is a thing of beauty under the faint lights of the lampposts. Bucky thoughtlessly throws is arm around Steve’s shoulders while they talk, and Steve happily lets him.

If Steve could mind even a little about it, he would be pissed about how fast the evening passes, comparing to how long the day was. The exhibition is gorgeous, but the most gorgeous part is Bucky. His face is so easily readable in front of the various masterpieces they can admire. And Steve finds himself falling in love with the guy. Bucky shows so much sensitivity to everything Steve shows him, and he listens to what Steve can tell him about the paints like it’s the most fascinating thing he’s ever heard. Steve has never felt that important, that interesting, with anyone.

\---

Bucky can’t help but staring at Steve whenever Steve starts talking about a paint. Steve sees so much more than just colors and shapes, and the way he talks about the emotions and the story in the paintings, resonates in Bucky’s soul. He feels touched, and blessed. He doesn’t want it to stop. He tries to see what Steve sees in the art, and sometimes he feels like he’s nearly there.

There’s one painting that, without Bucky knowing why, brings him to a stop. He’s staring and Steve is just watching him closely, he can feel it, but he can’t care. Because the mere sight of the painting brings tears in Bucky’s eyes, without any explanation.

“There’s so much pain…” he whispers softly. “So much love too…”

“You see it too? I love that piece, I don’t know why. I just… relate…”

Bucky turns his eyes to Steve, and he can feel he is on the verge of crying right now, but he doesn’t care. “You do?” he asks. Steve smiles tenderly and bring his hand to brush Bucky’s tears away before nodding.

“I spent almost an hour staring at it and crying the first time I saw it. Most people don’t get it, don’t _feel_ … It’s nice… knowing someone else sees it… ”

Bucky can’t help himself, and he decides he doesn’t give a shit. He just leans on and brings his arm around Steve to draw him in a hug. Steve slithers his arms around Bucky’s waist and draw him even closer. He doesn’t know how long they stay here. He feels right. Safe.

\---

Steve lays down on his bed, in the dark, thinking about the evening. About Bucky’s amazing expressions, especially in front of Steve’s favorite piece. Steve hadn’t said a word, letting Bucky discover it. He nearly took a step back when Bucky turned to face him. There were so many emotions in his eyes, and he looked completely overwhelmed. And drop dead gorgeous. Steve was done for at that point. Final nail on his coffin.

Steve’s hand lazily heads south and he just let it lightly stroke his hard on. He recalls Bucky’s smile from behind his closed eyelids and whines, grasping his cock a little harder. He lets his thumb draw a light circle on the head while he replays the first time Bucky got undressed in the classroom. Steve blesses his visual memory. He can see all the details of Bucky’s perfect body and starts fucking his fist on a steady rhythm, taking care of the head every time his hand goes back up. He moans high when he thinks about how Bucky kissed him just on the corner of his mouth before Steve stepped out of the car. About how it would feel to have him kiss Steve for real, fierce and deep. He jerks himself faster with a desperate whine. Bucky’s body had felt so good against his when they hugged. Like they fit together perfectly. He hasn’t felt this kind of attraction for so long, for anyone. He doesn’t think he’s going to last long if he keeps picturing a naked Bucky hugging him.

He grabs the lube he has left next to him on the mattress and pours some on his hand. He starts jerking of again and reach for his ass with his other hand. He winces in discomfort when his first finger breach through. He takes it slow, imagining Bucky being the one leisurely fingering him. He adds a second finger with a needy whimper. It takes him a few tries before reaching the perfect spot, making his back arch with pleasure. He’s happy he’s living alone, because the sound he makes is completely wrecked. His fist starts stroking faster, and Steve can’t help uttering light whimpers and needy pants. He adds another finger, thinking about how Bucky would feel inside of him, and the face he would make while fucking into Steve. Steve manage to hit that spot over, and over again, whining and moaning hotly until he feels his orgasm hitting him. He nearly screams out a broken “Oh! Bucky!” while white stripes of his own come paint his abdomen.

He needs a couple of minutes to gather himself and take his breath back, but when he falls asleep, Steve still has the shadow of a contented smile on his face.

\---

Steve feels ridiculous. It’s just like a teenager crush. Except it’s also much deeper. He does act like a teenager. Smiling every time he gets a text from Bucky – they do text rather often, most of the time just to pass time and tell the other about their day. They can’t find time to see each other again until the next class on Friday. But they make up on it by texting. _A lot_. And as far as Steve’s concerned, there’s also a lot of jerking off while imagining the dirtiest kind of stuffs involved in the process. But what Bucky doesn’t know won’t hurt him, so Steve tries not to feel too guilty about it.

It doesn’t take long for Steve to figure out Bucky is much more comfortable talking about himself that way than during a face to face. He still lets Bucky decide what he wants to share and how far he wants to share it. He can get how hard it is. He can’t help asking one thing anyway.

**Steve: Can I ask you something?**

**Steve: And you can tell me to go fuck myself if you don’t want to answer…**

**Bucky: …**

**Bucky : I’ll never tell you that**

**Bucky: punk**

**Bucky : shoot it**

Steve smiles a little. Bucky has decided to call him punk since Steve told him about his “rimmel, Mohawk, rangers, leather jacket and leather wristbands covered with nails” period. It happened after his Ma’s death when he was still trying to find a way to express his anger and his pain. Bucky is still harassing Steve to see a picture. (“Everyone has a rebel period” he’d said with a laugh)

**Steve: jerk**

**Steve: How does your prosthesis work?**

He anxiously waiting for Bucky to answer, because he thinks maybe he went too far… He’s in a middle of typing an “I’m sorry, please ignore me. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable” when he receives a new text.

**Bucky: It’s fine Stevie. I’m actually surprised you didn’t ask earlier. I’m not sure I can explain it all, but I’ll try… It’s a prototype from Stark Industry. They were looking for volunteers and Nat convinced me to apply. It was not such a good time for me, but it helped… I will spare you the details, but they basically manage to … like… wire what remains of my nerves back to my remaining muscles somehow? So I can move the prosthesis like it’s my own arm with those captors or something… I didn’t understand all the explanations but basically I have almost a normal range of movement and some sensitivity… It really changed things…**

Steve can’t help but be excited about it and thinks it’s really cool.

**Steve: that’s amazing…**

**Bucky: Yeah, I was lucky to be chosen…**

**Steve: Thank you for telling me**

**Bucky: Anytime, Stevie… :)**

Steve sighs with relief. He’s happy Bucky was ok with him asking.

The rest of their texts are sometimes personal, sometimes not so much and they quickly get to know each other better and better. Steve is happy both of them seem more and more comfortable with opening up.

\---

Bucky loves texting Steve… Even if it’s about the most trivial details of their days. They exchange texts all the time, and Bucky feels like his phone is glued to his hand and he knows he’s smiling idiotically every time the damn thing buzzes, but fuck it. He’s happy, and it’s been so fucking long, so he just enjoys it.

Bucky is surprised about how careful Steve is when asking him about his prosthesis. Bucky was probably really on the edges every time he tried to talk about his past, for Steve to believe he could be upset by that…

So he explains the best he can. He doesn’t talk about all the psychological analysis he had to go through and the physical tests… It had nearly been too much for him, because he was going through his worst time since he had come back (he doesn’t talk about Brock either). But with Nat’s help, and Sam’s advice (he had started seeing it just a few months before), he made it. And it really changed his life.

Being able to move his hand, to do basic stuffs easily – sure you can learn to lace your shoes with one hand, but come on… So much easier with two… That certainly was one of the things that helped him recover from this major breakdown… Well… He’s still far from a recovery, but it helped getting back to being functional…

But this last week… It’s the first time since the war that Bucky actually feels _alive_.


	8. I need you to know

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for mention of past abuse and rape

Steve manages to arrive early - for the first time in like… forever - and, as no one is paying him any attention - as always - he slips in the changing room and waits for Bucky. He made up his mind earlier, and screw it…

\---

Bucky steps in the changing room, throws his bag on the bench and nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears Steve’s voice.

“Hey Buck…”

“Holy fu…” He turns to where the voice came from. “What the hell, Steve?” Steve, that little shit, is laughing his ass off. “Just FYI, you dick, that would have made me completely panic a few months back…” Bucky mumbles darkly, trying to get his heart under control and to breathe deep.

Steve laughs dies immediately. “I’m sorry Bucky, I didn’t mean to…”

Bucky smiles – a small, restrained smile. “It’s ok. Just… don’t do it again, please?”

Steve moves forward, head down, until they are nearly chest against chest. He grabs Bucky’s hand and draws light circles on it with his thumb. “I’m really sorry.” He looks like he is, and Bucky feels like an ass for snapping at him. “I just wanted to ask you if we could… go grab dinner after class?” he hesitantly asks.

stu

“Yes, sure Steve. I’d like that very much. I’m sorry I…”

Steve shushes him and, putting himself on his tiptoes, places a feather kiss on Bucky’s lips before leaving the room. “See you soon” he whispers while closing the door.

And if Bucky stays there, frozen, for a couple of minutes before bringing his hand to touch his lips, where Steve’s own were moments ago, who would blame him?

\----

Steve feels really bad. Bucky told him, in one of his texts, that he still has anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. He should have remembered. He’s really sorry, and he swears he’s going to make it up to Bucky before the end of the evening.

He focuses on his work, only taking a break to get himself – and Bucky – their usual cup of coffee. When he gives Bucky’s away, the latter smiles at him and softly says “I’m really sorry for earlier, Steve. You couldn’t…”

“You told me about it, Buck. I should have remembered. _I_ am sorry. Really.”

He doesn’t leave Bucky any time to protest and goes back to his easel. He only looks back up once seated, and Bucky is staring at his cup of coffee with a sad smile on his face.

\---

“So, your turn to choose, right?”

Bucky sighs “Yeah, right…”

Steve can’t help but laugh at the –exaggerated - pain in Bucky’s tone. “Oh, such a hard work it is, right?”

Bucky rolls his eyes and lightly shoves Steve. “Punk! I just hesitate…”

“Between? ...” Steve asks, opening the passenger door and sitting in Bucky’s car.

“Well, I know this amazing Italian place but it’s gonna be so crowded on a Friday night… It makes me sick only to think about it…” Bucky honestly says. Steve knows Bucky doesn’t handle crowds that well, so he just nods.

“Then let’s go to your second option!” he decisively declares.

“Well… Problem is it’s a takeout only… A really good one, But Nat will be home tonight and…”

Steve sadly smiles and looks down. Of course. Bucky doesn’t want Nat to see him. Who would want to be seen with Steve as a… date? Are they dating? They kissed – nearly twice – so Steve has hope this might be a date.

“Oh no, Steve…” Bucky sounds panicked. He starts talking really fast, as if he wishes he could take what he just said back. “It’s not that… I wouldn’t mind her meeting you, it’s just… She would make a mountain out of it and when it comes to me she kind of turns into a superspy who will ask you questions all the evening to be sure you won’t kill me and she won’t leave us alone and… I kind of… I…”

Steve looks up. “You kind of what, Buck?” He hates to hear the hurt in his voice. He shouldn’t be hurt by now. He should know better.

Bucky keeps his eyes fixed on Steve’s and swallows hard before uttering “I wanted to spend the evening with you. Alone.” There’s a little gleam of panic in his eyes and they remain silent and still for a few seconds.

“Really?” Steve’s voice is a little unsteady and he clears his throat, trying to pull himself together.

“Of course Steve. Do you really think I’d be… ashamed to be with you or something? I am not. There’s no reason to be. You are an amazing person and I’m incredibly lucky to be your friend…”

“Is it what we are, Buck? Friends?” Steve prefers to know where they are heading. So he can stop making a fool out of himself if Bucky doesn’t want anything more than friendship from him.

Bucky looks away for a second before looking back at Steve. “I don’t know, Steve. I don’t… understand.” Steve frowns. “What you see in me” Bucky adds, noticing Steve’s confusion.

“What does that mean?” Steve is really lost.

“It means I think I’m the worst thing that could happen to you, Steve. Because I’m… I’m broken and I don’t think I can be fixed, and it’s unfair that you have to deal with all this shit, but… I feel so good with you. You make me feel whole again. And I want… I want _more_ but you shouldn’t… we shouldn’t…” Bucky’s hands are closed stiff on the wheel and his breathing gets a little rough, so Steve places his hand lightly on Bucky’s arm. Bucky still jumps a little and gives him a scared look.

“Hey… I don’t think you’re broken… Or maybe we all are. But I’m not going to run away because life hasn’t been easy on you before we met.” Bucky slightly relaxes. “And I think you’re the best thing that happened to me in a very long time. You have no idea. I have so much feelings for you, I don’t even know what to do with them…  So don’t you dare try to think for me. Let me chose if I want to take the risk, ok?”

“But…”

“No buts, Bucky…”

“You sound like Natasha…” Bucky huffs a tensed laugh.

“Considering she kept you alive up to this moment, I will take it as a compliment…” Steve decides.

“’m not sure that’s how I meant it…”

“Shut up, jerk…” Steve is happy to see he manages to get Bucky back at ease. A little at least. “So takeout, uh?” Bucky nods, looking away. “Well I happen to live in a flat with no roommate…” Bucky looks back at him. “It’s not much, but I think it’s not _too_ messy right now, and, well… no roommate…”

“You…”

“Come on, shut up and drive away, I’m starving!”

Steve can’t help smiling. Because Bucky wants them to be more too. He’s just scared. But again, so is Steve. He’s sure they can find their way out of it. That’s nothing next to what Steve is used to – being belittled, being just a fantasy, being a joke… He can deal with fear. He can show Bucky how much he cares. He’s not very good with social things, and the all emotional bond and stuff, but his experience showed him he was really good at one thing with other men…  And if his words can’t convince Bucky, maybe this will. He feels so overjoyed, he thinks he could deal with anything. He has a plan.

\---

Bucky eyes Steve for a while, but Steve only looks at him with a huge smile on his face. And Bucky can’t think of anything but how beautiful Steve is. Maybe he’s right. Bucky should let him decide. Even if Steve doesn’t know the whys, Bucky did manage to tell him about most of his problems during their numerous and endless text chats. He knows where he puts his feet. Maybe he could…

He shouldn’t…

But he wants it so much.

So he just turns his car on and drives to the small Chinese takeout. Then back to Steve’s place.

They both remain silent during the journey, and Bucky’s thoughts are just everywhere and too much to handle and he doesn’t want to deal with them and…

Steve grabs his hand and Bucky relaxes.

They eat their food while watching _How to Get Away with Murder_ new episode, both speculating on who killed Lila. Steve thinks it’s Rebecca, but Bucky is confident it’s Sam, even if not directly. They argue a little about their theories before ending on an agreement about how hot Jack Falahee was.

“He certainly would not sleep in the bathtub” Steve jokingly says.

“What about me, Stevie? Would you make me sleep in the bathtub?” Bucky tries to joke too after a short hesitation. Because despite what Steve has said earlier, Bucky is still unsure about how Steve feels toward him.

But then, Steve crawls on his lap and, towering him, looks at him with a wolf smile. “You?” he says, staring at Bucky’s eyes, then down his lips, hungrily. Bucky can’t help but swallow. “No... I have other plans for you…” Then he goes down.

Steve is kissing him. Not the chaste, quick kiss they shared before class. This kiss is hungry, and needy, and Bucky brings his hands – both flesh and prosthesis – to rest on Steve’s waist as he opens his mouth just the slightest and revels the kiss. Steve doesn’t wait for any other signal, bringing his own hands to frame Bucky’s face. His tongue is now invading Bucky’s mouth, stroking Bucky’s own and one of his hands is in Bucky’s hair. He uses it to keep Bucky just the way Steve wants and Bucky finds himself loving it.

Bucky moans low against Steve’s lips. His right hand slithers under Steve’s shirt and rucks it up, climbing the curve of Steve’s backbone, relishing the smooth feeling of his skin and the bumps and knots of each of Steve’s vertebrae. And the whimper that escapes from Steve’s throat is the best thing he’s heard.

Steve choses that moment to lower his hips and grinds himself against Bucky’s lap. They won’t let their lips part longer than the time it takes them to get rid of Steve’s shirt and to catch a breath, so their whines are drunk in by each other. With his hand against Steve’s back, Bucky can feel the undulations of Steve’s spine as he catches a rhythm, lowering himself to get their hard-ons stroking against one another every time. Even with their clothes on the way, it feels so good… So good…

Steve starts to unbutton Bucky’s jeans and…

It feels like he gets hit by a truck.

\---

“Wait... Steve… wait wait wait please…” Bucky grabs Steve’s hands, panting.

Steve stops, startled. He thought… He thought everything was fine. Bucky sounds so good when he moans, better than Steve has imagined and from what he can feel, he’s just as much into this as Steve is, but maybe he was wrong all along and…

There’s something in Bucky’s eyes that’s beyond fear right now. Pure terror. And he’s panting, but not the way they were just seconds ago. He’s fighting against himself to keep breathing.

“Hey, hey, Bucky, it’s ok… Look at me…” Steve grabs Bucky’s face again, but this time, he just forces him to look at Steve. “You’re safe… Whatever is going on, you are safe, ok?...”

Bucky blinks a few time, as if to try and understand what Steve is saying. Then he suddenly straightens, throwing both his arms around Steve’s waist and pulling him as close as possible. He puts his head against Steve’s torso and just stays there. Steve can feel tears rolling down on his own skin.

“Hey Buck…” he whispers, stroking Bucky’s hair softly and laying light kisses on his forehead. “It’s all good, it’s going to be fine, ok?”

“I… I’m sorry, Steve…” His voice is muffled because Bucky doesn’t move but Steve doesn’t care.

“There’s nothing to be sorry about, Bucky…”

“Yes there is…” Bucky sniffs against his skin.

“Bucky…”

\---

Bucky feels awful. He never felt that aroused since he came back from war, and it felt so good… It was like coming back home. Then Steve… It was just a small move, but… Bucky hates himself for letting _it_ come back at that moment…

And Steve is just trying to comfort him and it makes him feel even worse because he doesn’t want him to think Bucky doesn’t want… He has spent so long without wanting anyone, and now he does, he finds out maybe he can’t do this anymore…

“Bucky…” There’s so much patience and affection in Steve’s voice, it makes Bucky shudder. He lets out a frustrated groan. He still doesn’t move, and he closes his eyes, hoping it will make things easier.

“Steve, please… Please can you… Just let me talk and not say anything until I’m done? Please? Because I need you to know, I _need_ you to _understand_ , and…” Bucky tries to steady his breath.

“Bucky, you don’t owe me any explanation…”

“Please Steve… Just let me…” He implores.

“Ok, sure. I swear I’ll shut up.”

Bucky sighs heavily and tries not to let himself get caught into the memories he’s about to share, because otherwise he’ll be gone for good.

“A year after I came back, I met this guy. I was just merely starting to get better, and he was amazing. Kind, caring, patient, everything I needed. And I fell for him. Hard. Maybe too hard. Maybe I used him too much as a sustainer… I don’t know… But after a month, he started to be… less kind. Sometimes he was getting upset because I had another stupid panic attack, or because I woke him up because of a nightmare and… he was always making it up on me, you know? Telling me he was sorry and all.”

Bucky can hear Steve taking a rough inhale and he prays for him not to interrupt, because otherwise Bucky will break. Steve doesn’t.

“At first he was comprehensive about me not being in the mood for anything… like _this_. Then he started telling me I owed him that, that with all the shit I threw on him, the least I could do was letting him have it his way. That I would learn to love it again. He knew how to play me like a fiddle, you see, and I just believed him… And…” Bucky fight back a sob and manages to keep a steady voice. “I let him. I let him, ‘cause I thought he was right. He was so good for me, I thought I owed him. And if that was what he wanted…”

Bucky doesn’t talk about how brutal Brock had become, very quickly. How he didn’t care about Bucky well-being, even less about his pleasure, as long as he took his own. Bucky had lost count of the number of times Brock had left him crying silent tears against the mattress and bleeding because of how rough he was. How many times Bucky could barely walk without wincing, could barely sit.

“I thought I didn’t deserve any better…” He can’t hold back his tears. He’s surprised he managed to say that much, but now it’s coming back to strike him and he feels like there’s a weight on his chest that prevent him from breathing. ”Nat found out, of course…” he manages to finish. “She took me back to her place and went back to grab my stuff. Don’t know what she told him, but made me change my phone and… I never had any news ever after…She stopped me from going back to him so many time… I would’ve… Without her I would’ve…” He starts sobbing against Steve’s skin, not wanting to see Steve’s disgusted face.

\----

Steve is nearly holding his breath all along Bucky’s story. He nearly cuts him once or twice, but remembers his promise and shuts up. But his heart aches so much for all the sufferings Bucky had to go through and his anger is burning his chest like a poison. When Bucky starts breaking down, Steve just holds him closer and kisses his temple, whispering “You’re safe, Buck, you’re safe now…” until Bucky’s sobs spaces out.

“Bucky?” Steve can feel him shaking his head against his torso. “Bucky, just listen to me, ok? That guy… He’s a dick, and if I ever meet him I will kill him…” Bucky shakes a little in what Steve hopes is a laugh, but there are still tears running down Steve’s skin. “I will, Buck. What he did to you… It was abuse, and it was rape. He should never be allowed to get close to any human being ever again…” Steve can’t hide the disgust in his voice, but he can guess how vulnerable Bucky probably feels right now, so he tries to swallow it and to even his voice before speaking again. “But Buck… None of this was your fault… There’s nothing you have done that could justify him acting that way. He manipulated you, you said it yourself. It wasn’t your fault, ok? What you went through… Not many would have make it, and there’s nothing stupid in struggling… And you deserve so much more, Buck… ”

Bucky heavily sighs “Yeah, I’ve been told that already…”

“But do you believe it?” Steve insists

Bucky just shrugs and Steve’s heart breaks a little more. “Bucky…” Bucky rises his head, his cheeks damp with tears and looking so lost Steve just wants to hug him forever.

“What if I made him that way? Steve, he was a nice man at first… He was! What if I do the same to you? What if I ruin you? What if?...”

“Hey! Hey! Stop that, Buck…” Steve dry the tears on Bucky’s face with his hands, stroking the skin softly. “ _You didn’t do anything._ Please believe me. He was a dick before you met him and he saw you were in a bad place and he just used you like a toy. If anything, _he_ ruined you… your 'not such a great time'… It was him, right?” Bucky nods. “Buck… You made my life better, and you’ve been in it for three weeks. I feel more alive than I’ve felt since Ma died. You are so important to me, it’s ridiculous…So… I won’t let you push me away, ok?”

“But what if… Steve, what if I just can’t…”

Steve stares at him without understanding for a second. Then things click.

“What?... I don’t… Bucky, I don’t need that to want to be near you…”

Bucky’s stare is unbelieving, so Steve insists.

“Of course, I want you that way too, but as long as you don’t feel ready for it, I won’t push you. And if you never are” he keeps talking when Bucky tries to interrupt him. “I won’t mind. Because I want to be with you. More than I want to fuck you. Or you to fuck me. Ok?”

Bucky stares for a long time before nodding slowly.

“And Buck…” Steve kisses him softly, just a closed mouth kiss. “ _If_ one day you’re ready…. I will show you again how good it can be…” Bucky nods again, still staring like Steve is an alien of some sort.

Steve lets himself fall on his back on the couch, pulling Bucky against him in his fall. The couch isn’t very large, so they end up with Bucky half on top of Steve, an arm thrown across Steve’s torso and his head pillowed on Steve’s chest. Steve manages to grab the blanket and throws it on top of them both before starting to play with Bucky’s hair again. He can still feel teardrops falling on his bare skin but he doesn’t say a word, just kisses Bucky’s temple every once in a while.

“Steve… I don’t know what I did to deserve you…”

Steve shushes him softly. He thinks he’s the lucky one. But Bucky can’t hear it right now. So he keeps it to himself.

It takes a long time for Bucky to relax and for his breath to finally even out for good. Steve looks down and realizes Bucky is asleep.

This is the moment Steve lets himself cry on Bucky’s unfair fate.


	9. All of you

When Bucky wakes up, he’s a little disorientated for a moment. There’s a blanket over him. He can hear a heartbeat against his ear and there’s slow respiration movements taking his head up and down. He doesn’t remember where he is and opens his eyes abruptly. He looks up to see Steve, fast asleep and looking so adorable with his mouth half-open. Bucky relaxes immediately. They are still on Steve’s couch, in Steve’s flat, after last night disaster… Steve had been amazing, so kind and supportive, and Bucky still wonders if it was all a bad dream or if it really happened. He decides that right now, he doesn’t care, and he just snuggles up against Steve’s body and closes his eyes again with a deep sigh.

\---

Steve feels Bucky moving a little against him but he’s so warm and comfortable right now, he can’t bring himself to open an eye. He just holds him a little closer and kisses the top of Bucky’s head before drifting away again.

\---

Next time he wakes up, Bucky is startled awake by the absence of a warm body against him. But he doesn't even have time to begin to panic.

"I'm here, Buck" Steve's voice comes from behind the couch, from the kitchen area. "Just getting breakfast ready..."

Bucky sighs... Then realizes his prosthesis is laid on the coffee table and he can't remember taking it off... He stares at it like it's going to bite him somehow and still doesn't move when Steve sits at his feet and puts two cups on the table, right next to it.

"S...Steve? Did you take my..." Bucky manages to find enough courage to start.

Steve follows his gaze and immediately answers with an apologetic tone "Oh... Yes... I thought... I thought it probably wasn't very comfortable to sleep with... I'm sorry if it..."

"No... No... You're right... It's more comfortable than my old one, but it still sucks..." Bucky stops Steve. "It's just..." Bucky finally draws his eyes away from the prosthesis and looks up to Steve. "You don't... I..."

"Buck..." Steve strokes Bucky's calf gently. "Whatever is going on, it's fine... You can tell me..."

"You don't mind?" Bucky blurts out.

"What should I mind?" Steve frowns. Bucky needs a second and takes a deep breath before answering.

"Brock didn't want me to take it off... He said I looked disgusting..." Bucky answers, looking everywhere but at Steve's while he talks. He can't help but give a quick look when silence lingers.

There's something in Steve's eyes, something Bucky already saw in some of his fellow soldiers' gaze, something he probably had once in his own eyes… A death wish. Bucky looks away and Steve catches his hand and pulls him until he sits and they face each other. He grabs his face and waits for Bucky to look at him in the eyes.

"Bucky... You are beautiful. Ok? All of you. I love all of you, the way you are. I don't need you to do anything like that for me, because you are already all that I want..."  Bucky closes his eyes and shakes his head. He feels Steve kissing his eyelids, his cheeks, his forehead. "Yes... Buck... you are… Do you even realize how gorgeous you are... That first day when you appeared on stage, it was... You are so gorgeous, so so beautiful…” Steve is now kissing what’s left of his arm and the skin is so sensitive it makes Bucky shudders. “So beautiful…”

Bucky forces Steve’s face up and kisses him fiercely, fighting back his tears. He needs Steve so damn much right now, and he tries not to think about the fact that Steve probably won’t think all this for long… They both enjoy this moment, simply kissing, taking their time to get to know each other. Steve is gently caressing Bucky’s stump and Bucky hides his face in the crook of Steve’s neck with a whine.

‘Thank you…” he whispers against the smooth skin. He feels Steve lightly kiss his temple.

“No thanks, it’s only the truth…” Bucky takes a breath, ready to protest, but Steve beats him. “Come on, coffee’s gonna get cold…” And he seals the deal with a last kiss. Bucky can’t even object.

They share breakfast in a companionable silence. Bucky really appreciates that silence never gets uncomfortable with Steve. Nat is the only person he ever had that with before. Even with Sam, silence are filled with questions and unsaid things.

\----

Steve positively hates this “Brock”. And even if he feels ridiculous, he keeps on telling Bucky what he thinks of him. And Bucky’s reaction comforts him in this decision. Steve conceals the fact that he thinks Bucky is far too out of his league and that once Bucky will realize how ridiculous and unimportant Steve is, he knows Bucky will leave. Because no one ever stay with him. He’s never enough. Not durably. But right now… right now he can be. And he wants to be enough for Bucky.

Bucky stays until his appointment with his psychiatrist in the afternoon. Steve feels honored that Bucky doesn’t even think of lying about where he goes, and when he thanks Bucky for his trust, Bucky shrugs and just says “You know, I think you have the right to know how much of a disaster I am before we go into anything serious…”

Steve protests, because of all people, Bucky has the right to have problem. And because he hopes they are already something serious…

\---

Within the next two weeks, Steve and Bucky keep on seeing each other as often as their two schedules allow them. Steve enjoys every single second of it. Bucky stays overnight a couple of times and they do nothing but cuddling and kissing and enjoying the other’s presence. And if ever things get a little more heated, Steve always stops as soon as he feels Bucky’s reached his breaking point.

Once Bucky tries to keep going, despite the fear in his eyes and his ragged breath, but Steve forces him to stop and kisses the tip of his nose with a smile.

“But Steve, you… I can…”

“It’s nothing a cold shower can’t fix, ok?.. You can’t, and it’s perfectly fine.” Bucky seems so relieved and yet so unbelieving. Steve can’t help a tiny laugh. “It’s fine, Buck. I made you a promise, and I won’t break it, ok? You can trust me…”

Bucky nods “I know…” he whispers. And Steve feels a warm feeling blossoming in his chest. He wants Bucky to trust him and to be happy. More than he wants any sexual relief. He can deal with that on his own, as long as it will take.

\---

Sam is happy for Steve, even if he keeps on ranting about how he’s forced to watch _How to get away with murder_ on his own now that Friday kind of became a “Bucky night”. He insists Steve have to introduce them someday soon, and Steve wants it too but also doesn’t. And Sam lets him have it his way, because he knows. Of course he knows. He’s Sam. He always knows.

He knows that deep down, Steve is terrified to screw it up and to be dumped once more. He knows that if it ends, now Steve has finally let himself open up again, it will break him. Because Steve still thinks he’s worthless, no matter how much he hides it behind his smiles and laughs. Sam always see through all this. And that’s why he knows Bucky is important. Too important to be hasty.

Steve can’t be grateful enough to have such an amazing friend. And he swears him to make him meet Bucky soon. Sam gives him his sphinx smile. “I can’t wait…”

\----

Bucky spends the next two weeks wondering if he’s dreaming. Nat keeps teasing him about how happy he looks, how much he deserts home and about how _he has to_ present her this Steve. Of course Bucky wants to. Because Nat is his family, and he wants Steve to know her and vice versa. But he doesn’t want to scare Steve away, and he knows Nat can sometimes be rather… intimidating.  Steve has enough to deal with with Bucky alone, and Bucky still doesn’t know if Steve is just an angel or if all hell is going to break loose soon…

Thank god for the appointments with Sam, who is always here to make his brain stop overthinking everything. That way Bucky can try and enjoy the moments he spend with Steve without letting his thoughts ruin everything. They still eat him away as soon as he’s left alone, but as long as he’s with Steve, he feels happier than ever.

Steve is still incredibly patient. Unconsciously, Bucky is waiting for the month mark. Because he thinks that’s when Steve will change. Just like Brock. He doesn’t see how it could go differently. Because Bucky’s still a mess, and too much to deal with.  Sometimes he feels so guilty for not being able to hold his shit together. For being too much work. But Steve always finds the right way to ease him. Bucky is so grateful, it sometimes feels like it’s choking him.

He’s rather proud he didn’t have any nightmare so far. But all good things must come to an end, probably. And Bucky knows his nightmares inside and out now. They are always the same. There are a few variations, sure, but once it starts, Bucky knows where it ends. He’s stuck in his hospital bed again, with nothing but broken dog tags and no one knowing who he is. He can’t speak. He can’t move. And everything hurts so much. Or he’s on the battlefield. Suffocating on the thick smoke. Watching his whole unit die around him, as he stays there, helpless, unable to move and go rescue them.

But this Wednesday, well… He can taste a brand new kind of nightmare. It starts as his usual one, he’s in the middle of a desolated landscape, and he can hear the sounds of bombs around him. Smoke is infiltrating his throat and his lungs and he coughs, but he can’t breathe anymore.

Then it switches. Instead of his friends, of his brothers in arms, he sees a very recognizable silhouette standing in front of him, turning his back, searching for something – or someone. He hears the whistling sound of an incoming bomb and screams “STEVE WATCH OUT!”

Next thing he knows he’s tied up to a hospital bed and he can’t say anything. He tries. So hard. “Please, not him… Please no… No… Steve…”

\----

“Bucky… Bucky, wake up…”

Bucky has started growing restless, waking Steve from his sleep. Steve’s tried calming him down, but it didn’t work that well. Bucky suddenly jerks and screams “STEVE WATCH OUT!” and Steve avoids a blow by pure miracle.

“Buck… Bucky wake up now! I’m safe, we’re both safe, please wake up…” Steve still tries to reach Bucky.

Tears start falling down Bucky’s cheeks and he whines and turns his head from side to side. Steve can hear him mumbling “Please not him… please no… don’t let him die please…”

Steve starts panicking, wondering if he should keep on trying to wake Bucky or let him wake up by himself. Bucky gets him out of this tricky issue by startling awake. His eyes are wide but Steve feels like Bucky’s not really here and he fights against the sheets, panting.

“Please… please please… I’m James Buchanan Barnes, Sergeant in the 107th… please…” he’s imploring.

Steve grabs Bucky’s arm – just to make contact, trying to be sure not to get hit too, and knowing perfectly he’s not strong enough to prevent it – and starts talking.

“Buck… Bucky, I know who you are… You’re safe, ok? You can come back, you’re safe, I know you…” He doesn’t know how long it lasts but he keeps talking and Bucky first stops fighting against Steve’s hold, then stops pleading. He blinks a couple of time before landing his eyes on Steve.

“S…Steve?”

“Hey Buck…” Steve manages to smile, sunken with relief.

“I thought… I thought you were dead…” Bucky manages to say through a tightened throat.

“I’m fine, Buck, We’re both fine… ok?”

Bucky nods. Than pulls Steve in his arms and breathe him in. Steve can feel Bucky’s chest quivering under him and he just tries to comfort him the best he can. After a long while, they end up falling back to sleep.

Bucky’s gone when Steve wakes up on Thursday morning. Steve doesn’t really think much about it, because Bucky was working early and Steve only started class at 11, so Bucky probably left him to sleep, considering their disturbed night.

He starts growing worried when Bucky doesn’t answer any of his messages, all day long. He tries to tell himself it’s probably hard for Bucky to deal with his nightmares, and that maybe he’s still scared of how Steve could react. He did mention that Brock could be violent when awake by nightmares. It hurts a little that Bucky still doubts Steve’s reaction, but he forbids himself to get angry at Bucky for it. After all he’s been through, Steve can’t expect him to trust him fully in a month. No matter how much he would like him to. So Steve feels hurt, but more than that, he also feel more and more anxious. He needs to know if Bucky’s fine.

However, Steve doesn’t want to be invasive. If Bucky doesn’t want to talk right now, Steve needs to leave him his space. He will see him tomorrow in class anyway. So he sends him one last message.

**Steve: I don’t know why you're ignoring me, but we’ll talk about it tomorrow if you’re ok with it. I hope you don’t think what happened yesterday meant anything bad for me. I still want to be there for you if you want me to. I won’t bother you anymore today if you need time. I love you, Buck.**

\---

Bucky feels so scared about how Steve will respond to what happened. It was a stupid nightmare, and he reacted in every way Brock used to despise. He would have told Bucky to stop reacting like a fucking child and to grow some balls. Steve only hold him close and talked him through until the panic disappeared. Bucky doesn’t know how to react to this anymore.

So he flees. And he discovers he’s still very good at sticking his head in the sand. He receive countless messages from Steve and consciously ignores them all. Because if they are saying it’s over and Steve doesn’t have time to deal with someone like Bucky… Bucky can’t take it. And the mere thought of having to go to the drawing class makes him incredibly anxious.

Nat gets angry at his phone’s constant buzzing and forces him to at least read the damn thing.

Every. Single. One. Every single one of Steve’s message is so filled with love and care, and concern. Bucky feels tears in his eyes and tries to hide it, but he can’t hide anything from Nat anyway… She comes and reads above his shoulder and shuffles his hair.

“See?... Stop thinking everyone is as bad as that dick, would you?”

Bucky nods. Maybe she’s right. Maybe Steve is as perfect as he seems to be. Bucky wants it so much. His hands shake a little when he types his answer.

**Bucky: I love you too. I’m sorry. See you tomorrow?**

He doesn’t realize he was holding his breath until he lets it go when his phone buzzes again.

**Steve: Don’t be sorry. ♥**

Bucky feels a weight lifting from his chest. Finally, he thinks he’ll be ok tomorrow.


	10. Operation Falcon

Bucky looks around nervously. It’s been 10 minutes since the class started and Steve’s easel is still desperately abandoned. He reaches for his bathrobe but stops, thinking it would be ridiculous for him to get up and take a break after such a short time. So he tries to think about something else but his eyes seem to be magnetized by Steve’s seat. Of course, he starts imagining all the worst scenarios possible. Maybe Steve died and no one will think about warning Bucky and he will learn it in the newspaper… Worst, maybe he’s currently dying somewhere and _no one_ is looking for him…  Maybe he finally decided Bucky was too much work and doesn’t want to deal with him anymore… Maybe… Bucky tries to focus on some breathing exercises in order not to break down in the middle of the classroom.

He manages to wait a whole hour and a half before bolting up and hastily putting his bathrobe back on. He goes and grabs his phone and checks it. No messages. His hands start shaking a little.

**Bucky: Where are you?**

No, he can’t send this. Too possessive. He sounds like Brock. He doesn’t want to sound like Brock. He deletes the message, disgusted.

**Bucky: I’m worried you’re not here. I hope you are fine. Can I drop by later?**

Yeah, much better. Bucky hits send before he can change his mind and walks back to his place, keeping his phone close to him. Mr. Barton steps closer to him, worried.

“Is there something wrong, Mr. Barnes?” he asks. Bucky looks at him, surprised, and Mr. Barton probably feels it because he adds, “Well, you did get us used to you not moving  much during classes so I was just wondering…”

Bucky shakes his head. “No, I’m good… Just a personal issue, I needed…” he shows his phone, thrown next to him with an apologetic look. Mr. Barton nods with a comprehensive smile and starts walking away. “Sir!” Bucky calls him back and Mr. Barton turns around. “Do you know… Did something happened to Steve?”

Mr. Barton eyes the empty seat in front of Steve’s easel and sighs. “I don’t know for sure, but Steve does have a frail health, so maybe he’s simply sick… I don’t know… Sorry.” He looks sincere and Bucky smiles and nods politely before resuming staring at the black screen on his phone. It’s another good half hour before it buzzes back to life and it’s probably the fastest Bucky ever took to switch it on.

**Steve: caught a cold, stuck in bed. Wanted to tell you, but I slept the whole day away.  I’m sorry. You shouldn’t come, I don’t want to make you sick.**

**Bucky: Suck it, Rogers, I’m coming.**

**Steve: I’m not going to be very interesting…**

**Bucky: you always are, you punk. Stay warm until I get there, ok?**

**Steve: :) Don’t worry, Sam is keeping watch… See you then…**

Bucky probably smiles idiotically for a little while, because next time Mr. Barton walks by, he asks if his personal issue was solved and Bucky answers with a “kind of” and a smile. Mr. Barton looks like a really chill guy, and Bucky is surprised he doesn’t consider him like a menace – which happens with most people nowadays.

The rest of the class is easier for Bucky to bear.

\---

Bucky probably drives slightly recklessly, because he’s down Steve’s flat in less than 15 minutes. Thank god he finds a parking spot quickly and rushes to Steve’s building. He rings the bell and someone opens the door – he guesses it’s Steve’s Sam, considering Steve told him he was knock out in bed.

Bucky runs up the stairs and knocks on Steve’s door, trying to catch his breath. The door opens and Bucky’s left open-mouthed and forgets how to breathe.

“S…Sam?” That’s his Sam. What is his Sam doing here? “What… you’re… I…”

“Hello James. Please come in. Steve will be happy to see you…”

Bucky can’t seem to process what Sam is saying, let alone make his own body move. The only thing he manages to do is to shut his mouth back.

“James… Take a deep breath please.” Sam is just as calm and comforting as he always is during their meeting, no matter how violent Bucky’s panic attacks can get, and Bucky just does as he’s asked. Air burns his lungs when it rushes back in. “It’s fine.”

“But you… You knew? When I talked about…. You…”

“Yeah, I knew you were talking about Steve. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, but it seemed… inappropriate…”

“Does he…?”

“No. Of course no. I don’t talk about anything of that nature with him…” Sam looks deadly serious. “I will never disclose anything about my patients, and it goes from who they are to whatever they tell me during our sessions, James.”

Bucky nods. Of course. Sam is an honest guy. And anyway, Bucky didn’t really hide from Steve how fucked up he was, so… Even if Sam was lying, the only thing Bucky would be mad about would be what he told Sam about how he felt towards Steve…

“Why did you encourage me?”

“Don’t you want to come in first?” Sam kindly offers, stepping back a little.

Bucky nods and steps in Steve’s living room, then repeats his question while Sam closes the door behind them.

“Encourage you to what?”

“Go after him.” Bucky snaps.

“I didn’t.”

“You told me…”

“You are happy with him, James. I just helped you realize that.  It’s the first time you voiced something like that since we've been seeing each other. And if you need me to spell it out for you and as I know Steve has trouble expressing himself sometimes… He’s happy with you too, James. And it’s nice to see him that way again…” Sam is still smiling. Bucky is still staring. It’s a little too much for him and he doesn’t feel good.

“Ok. What about a glass of water?” Sam kindly guides Bucky to a chair and Bucky sits heavily, putting his head between his hands. He hates when his bionic hand whistles against his ear, but right now he can’t bring himself to care. He hears Sam putting a glass on the table next to him and sitting in front of him.

“James? ...” Bucky hums in response. “I know it seems complicated, but it doesn’t have to be.”

Bucky stares at the ground, realizing something. “You knew.”

“What?” Sam sounds a little taken aback.

“You sent me to that class. You knew.”

Sam puffs slightly. “For all I could guess knowing the two of you, you could have just ignore each other all along.”

Bucky looks at him suspiciously. “But you hoped…”

“Did I hope my two antisocial friends would see something familiar in each other? Yes, I did. Did I hope for them to get along that well? Not really, but I won’t excuse myself for that, not considering how it turned out.” Sam’s smile is so kind and Bucky has a hard time understanding everything.

“You… Am I… your friend?” Bucky feels ridiculous for feeling so moved by a simple word. But Sam knows all the dark sides of his soul and Bucky can’t imagine that someone like Sam would want any friendship with someone like him.

“I do care a lot about you, James. Not only because of my work or whatever… And though I’ll still be here for you as your psychiatrist, I do hope we will get to know each other more in a less formal occurrence. And yes. I think we could be friends.”

Bucky fights back tears and rubs his eyes. He has nothing to answer. He thanks all the god and Steve that the latter decides to call for Sam at that exact moment.

“Maybe you could…” Sam offers with a small gesture towards Steve’s bedroom and a comprehensive smile. Bucky nods gratefully and flees away.

\---

Steve has fallen asleep again short after his conversation with Bucky. He’s really sorry he didn’t warn him. But he barely had enough strength in the morning to call for Sam. And Sam only needed to hear Steve’s broken voice and laborious breathing to know. Cold and asthma is a really explosive mix when it comes to Steve. So he has spent the day swinging from feverish sleep to jolting awake with an asthma attack, leaving him more and more exhausted each time. And Steve feels guilty, because he knows Sam took his day off to stay with him. Ready to bring him to the hospital if his asthma really goes out of hand.

When he wakes up, he has a second of panic because he can’t breathe right - again. Then he remembers. Steve hates that he can get knock out by something as simple as a cold. He tries to reach for his inhaler but he’s clumsy and hear it hit the ground.

He feels dizzy, despite the fact he’s laying down on his bed. He knows he’s going to pass out if he tries to stand up. So he weakly calls for Sam and closes his eyes to prevent the light from hurting them when Sam will open the door.

He hears the door opening and quick steps coming towards him, stopping a second – probably to grab the damn inhaler – and resuming their course. A soft and fresh hand pushes his sweaty bangs off his face. Steve doesn’t even open his eyes and smiles.

“Hey Buck…” he manages to breathe out in a ragged voice.

“Hey sweetie…” Bucky’s hand leaves his face and Steve might whine, but he doesn’t really care right now. “I missed you today” Bucky whispers as he brings Steve’s inhaler to his mouth and helps him with it. He waits for Steve to breathe normally again, stroking his forehead and his hair gently.

“I’b sorry… I …”

“Shhh… It’s fine. I’m fine now.”

“k…” Steve is too exhausted, he can’t keep his eyes open and he feels so cold, even though he knows he has a fever. He shivers and tries to curl himself into a tiny ball.

\---

Steve is so pale, Bucky feels his heart shattering at the view. Steve’s eyes have trouble focusing on Bucky, and his breathing is heavy and he’s trembling. Bucky feels useless. He takes his hand away when Steve closes his eyes again.

“Please don’t leave be, Buck…” Steve mutters, already not really there anymore.

Bucky leans on to kiss Steve’s temple and whispers in his ear “Never. I promise.”

He takes off his shoes and his prosthesis and settles behind Steve, taking him the best he can in his arms. He snuggles and places a kiss on the back of Steve’s neck before staying still and watching Steve’s breathing. He just draws small circles with his thumb on Steve’s arm, so Steve can feel he’s still there.

\---

Sam opens the door and watches them, both asleep and cuddled comfortably. He can’t hold back his smile.

Sure he hadn’t planned for it to go _that_ well, but hell, he’s happy he was right about these two fools getting along well together. They share so much suffering, Sam was sure they would see that in the other. And as they both have one of the strongest protective side and the weakest self-preservation instinct, Sam was certain they would “click” pretty quickly. And they would take care of one another in a way he can’t.

Convincing Bucky to participate to that class, had been a long fight, and thank god Sam didn’t fight it alone…

He quietly closes back the door and grabs his cell phone.

**Sam: Operation Falcon is going well. James took it surprisingly well. Cute lovers are asleep. Sure be hungry when awake. Come by and grab take-out?**

**Natasha: Told you the name was stupid… Chinese?**

**Sam : Hey, I worked hard on it…. ok. Don’t forget the egg rolls!**

**Natasha: On my way!**


	11. The call

“I feel manipulated, and I hate you right now…” Bucky mumbles, shooting a dark look at Nat and Sam. They just finished explaining to them their grand operation to try and get Bucky and Steve to meet. Nat is mercilessly laughing at his face and even Sam can’t hide his little smile either.

And it gets worse when Steve, still comfortably settled against him, declares with his sick voice “I’b actually happy they did. I don’t care how it happeded, I’b just happy we bet. Ared’t you?” Even Bucky can’t hold back his laugh. “What? I bead it” Bucky is still guffawing when he lays a kiss in the top of Steve’s hair.

“I’m happy too. But still.”

“Well…” Bucky can say by Nat’s tone he’s going to get more than he asked for. “Maybe… Just _maybe_ … If you went out of the house for other things than your work – and I friendly remind you that you hate everyone there… -… Then _maybe_ we wouldn’t have to do this in order to potentially have you meet someone who could possibly become a friend…”

“And it was all up to the two of you, honestly. I mean, we just thought you could get along, and gave you the opportunity to see it for yourselves. The fact that you actually are getting along… It’s all on you two…” Sam teases.

“Oh fuck you both…” Bucky groans but there’s still a smile on his face and he doesn’t try to hide it. He still hates the feeling that he was manipulated all along, but they are somehow right. He does get along very well with Steve, and that’s not something they forced… And Bucky and Steve wouldn’t have met otherwise for sure… Not with Bucky avoiding anything social – anything involving people and talking, really…. - and Steve being just as bad, as far as Bucky knows…

He guess his face was priceless when he stepped out of the bedroom, with Steve wrapped in a blanket beside him, to find himself face to face with Nat. And being the little shit she is, she just smiled widely and said “Hi there, Sleeping beauties… Food has arrived and will soon be cold, so move on!” And then proceeded to walk away. Leaving Bucky gaping at her back and Steve amusingly watching him. “Ab I guessidg right if I say that’s the fabous Dat?”

c

Bucky nodded. Then understood.

“The little fuckers… They did this together…”

“What? Who?”

“The two of them!! They set us up… They convinced me to apply to model in your class, so we …”

“What? Sab and Dat? She dows Sab?”

Bucky tried to hold back his smile at Steve’s inability to pronounce the “m”s and “n”s but apparently he failed because Steve weakly punched him in the shoulder and huffs “Stop bockidg be, would you?”

“Sorry… You’re just too cute right now…” Bucky grabbed Steve’s blanket and pulls him close so he can kiss the tip of his nose.

So here they are now. Sharing Chinese food on Steve’s coffee table, sitting on Steve’s couch – except Nat, who is, as usual, sitting cross-legged directly on the ground. Steve is very happy to meet her, apparently. And it’s two sided. For his part, Sam lets Bucky decide how much he wants to tell Steve about their relation, and Bucky can’t tell how grateful he is about that. Maybe Sam is right. Maybe it doesn’t have to be as complicated as Bucky thinks it is…

\----

Steve has trouble following everything, because his head feels like it’s wrapped in cotton or something. But he’s amused by the thought of their friends seeing them as a good fit, and doesn’t really understand why Bucky is so upset. But then… Steve hasn’t gone through things as difficult as Bucky, so he tries not to judge, and just tries to remind Bucky it was all a good thing all in all.

Nat is a fascinating woman and Steve thinks he has to draw her one day. She’s petite, nearly as small as Steve, and could look frail if not for the amazing strength radiating from her. Her hair are fiery red and her green eyes are so kind when they lay on Bucky, Steve can feel the love she has towards him. When she catches Steve staring, Nat just friendly smiles at him and Steve smiles back, surprised.

Steve doesn’t eat much – just enough to get Sam and Bucky off his back. He still feels dizzy and he doesn’t want to puke in front of everyone right now. So as soon as Sam stops fussing about how he should eat some more rice, Steve tucks his head in the crook of Bucky’s neck and he lets himself drift away from the conversation. He can feel Bucky’s hand on his hip, caressing it tenderly and he’s so warm and comfortable Steve could stay that way forever.

\---

It’s a nice evening. It takes a little while for Bucky to completely relax, but then he has a really good night, talking with Nat and Sam and watching TV. Bucky tries not to move too much so he doesn’t wake up Steve, who’s long gone back to sleep.

He discovers Sam is a sucker for _How to get away with murder_ as well, and that he has the most ridiculous theories ever about how everything happened. That they both share an undying love for baseball, even if they don’t support the same team. There’s a lot of small things that they share, and Bucky thinks Sam is right. Even more so that Sam knows the worst parts of Bucky, and he’s still willing to share parts of his life with Bucky despite it all. Maybe it’s the stupidest thing the man could do. Bucky feels like he should stop trying to understand these things. He just enjoys a good time with a … friend?

When Sam and Nat leave, Bucky gently takes Steve in his arms (thank god he had put his prosthesis back or they were stuck in the couch once more… Not sure Bucky’s back would have enjoyed the joke…) and he carries him back to bed. Steve groans in his sleep when Bucky lets him go and pulls the comforter back up until all but Steve’s face disappear under it. Then Bucky goes to the bathroom to get clean. When he comes back and slither under the blanket, Steve immediately searches for him and only stops moving once Bucky holds him close and they are huddled together.

\---

“Oh god I’m so screwed…”

Bucky looks up from his coffee. It’s Sunday and after a Saturday spent with Steve still very much sleeping most of the day, Bucky is surprised how much better Steve suddenly got overnight… His fever is gone, so is his speech impediment – much to Bucky’s despair – and he can actually function for more than ten minutes without needing two hours of sleep afterwards. Even his asthma attacks have stopped occurring. He’s just left with a sore throat and a runny nose.

Half the day is already gone and Bucky doesn’t understand what Steve is talking about. Nothing particular happened…

“The class… I missed the class!”

“hum… yes?” Bucky still doesn’t understand.

“But I needed those four hours!! I’ll never finish it now and…” Steve looks at Bucky, desperate. “I want to do it fine…” he pleads, as if Bucky could do anything about it.

“But… There’s still four sessions remaining?”

Steve shakes his head and looks frustrated Bucky doesn’t understand.

“It won’t be enough, it won’t be right, Buck…”

“Hey, hey… come here…” Bucky pulls Steve by the arm and forces him to sit next to him. “I’m sure you’ll do great…”

“You don’t understand…”

“Then tell me!” Bucky gently says. Steve sighs heavily and hides his face in his hands with a whine.

“I just… I want it to be good, and I can’t do it in four sessions… I want it… I want people to _see_ …”

“See what?” Bucky still can’t understand.

Steve raises his head and stares at Bucky, desperate for him to get it. “How beautiful you are…” he whispers. And Bucky can feel himself blushing up to the root of his hair.

“’m not…” he protests. When Steve shakes his head, Bucky just kisses his mouth shut and adds “You’re not objective…”

“My ass” Steve answers before kissing Bucky again. “Right back at you, you jerk… And stop kissing me, you’re gonna get sick…”

“Who’s kissing who there?” Bucky protests, faking offense. He’s happy to hear Steve laugh. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out, ok?”

Steve nods grudgingly. Bucky can see he’s doing it for Bucky’s sake only.

\---

Steve kicks Bucky out of his flat comes Monday. He knows Bucky would have stayed with him if he’d asked, but Steve is – mostly – fine now, and he doesn’t want Bucky to miss a day of work if he can avoid it. No matter how much Bucky says he doesn’t care, because that job is lame anyway.

But Steve is not allowed to go back to class yet. Because he’s still tired and he knows that even if he attends, he won’t be able to learn anything anyway. Plus it’s only lecture courses, so they’re easier to catch up…

So Steve has a lot of time in his hands. More than he should have. After four hours of binging on Hannibal’s first season, he grows restless.  And he ends up passing time the best way he can imagine.

He grabs his phone and opens Bucky’s contact picture. Steve has many other pics now, but this one he always finds the most beautiful… He stares at it, thinking about how good he felt in Bucky’s arms, how they fitted perfectly… How smooth Bucky’s neck was under his skin and how good he smelt… His left hand is rubbing on his crotch above his pants and he lets go of the phone with a moan…

\---

Bucky glances quickly at his phone and sees that the call is from Steve. He immediately panics, thinking he was right, and Steve wasn’t good enough to be left alone, and… He stands up and decides he can take his mid-day break now…  He locks himself up in the toilets and picks up the call.

“Steve? Are you ok?”

For a second, there’s only silence. Then he hears Steve… moaning? Yes. Moaning. Hotly. And the sound travel directly to Bucky’s cock. He can hear Steve panting softly from a distance, like he’s not holding his phone close to his face. So Bucky quickly guesses it’s an accidental call.

Then Bucky gets angry. Because of course. That’s the reason Steve threw him out this morning. He had a date with someone he can actually have sex with. Bucky knew it. Of course, of course, what a dumbass he has been, believing a word Steve said about not having a problem to wait…

And even if Bucky is – angrily – aroused by the moans and whimpers he can hear, he’s ready to hang up and to leave Steve with his _friend_ – whoever he is and for like, forever. But he stops dead when suddenly, Steve whines “Oh god… Buck… Hmmm…”

Bucky’s knees weakened and he sits on the toilet’s lid, trying to understand what’s happening. His cock is achingly hard in his jeans and Steve is calling for his name and…

“Hmmm oh yes… Bucky… Please…”

Ok… He didn’t hallucinate… and Steve’s voice is so needy, so hot… It only makes Bucky harder. He decides it’s no big deal if he doesn’t hang up quite now… he unbuttons his jeans and shoves his hand in his pants, grabbing his aching cock. It feels so god it nearly tears a whine form his throat, but he catches himself on time. He has to be careful. Discreet. He can do that. Being a soldier kind of teach you that. And anyway… He hasn’t wanted to do that to himself for so long, he thinks he would have easily done it in the middle of the office.

He closes his eyes to try and imagine what Steve’s doing to produce these amazing sounds. (“Hmm… hmm… Oh god yes…. Hmmm Buck….”) Maybe he’s just jerking himself off. Maybe he’s also fingering his tight ass… Does he use toys? Bucky used to be a sucker for toys. In another life. He pushes the thought away. He feels so good right now, his hand pumping up and down and picturing Steve’s gorgeous body stretched in pleasure. Steve’s moans are getting higher, and Bucky feels so close already. It’s been so long for him, and Steve sounds so amazing…

Bucky has the wit to hastily shove both his pants and underpants down before starting to jerk himself off faster, caressing the tip of his cock with his thumb every single time he reaches up. Steve’s moans are louder now, and Bucky feels his balls contracting, and heat pooling in his lower belly and just when Steve shouts “OH BUCK YES… yes… Hmm…” with a broken whimper, Bucky tucks the phone under his chin and bites on his prosthesis hand to remain silent and hits his orgasm, thrusting his hips up and painting his thighs with hot stripes of come.

He needs a minute to realize what just happened. Then it hits him. It’s the first time he came since Brock… Damn… It’s the first time since the war… And it feels so good, Bucky doesn’t understand how he didn’t miss it before… And Steve sounded so wrecked… Bucky’s going to dream for years about what Steve’s face could look like when he comes…

Bucky’s breathing is back to normal, and he swipes the proofs of what just happened away. He hangs up the phone when he realizes there’s no more sounds on the other end of the line. He’s unusually hungry now. He gets dressed again and leaves for lunch, with a smile on his face. And if his colleagues give him a weird look, he doesn’t even realize it.

\---

Steve feels tired fairly quickly. He also feels much better now… lighter. He gets comfortable on the couch and lets himself doze off.


	12. The things you do to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today is Fiiay's birthday!!  
> So Happy Birthday My sweet darling, I hope you will like this little birthday gift, and I hope you had a fantastic day today. ♥

Oh fuck fuck fuck… That’s probably the worst possible thing Steve could have never imagine would happen… He stares at his phone screen for a solid minute before insulting himself a little more. What a dumbass….

[last call: Bucky ; time : 12:25 ; duration: 10min52sec]

Oh crap… Steve’s not sure, because he hadn’t been looking at the clock much today, but there’s a big risk it was right before his little nap… He will never pardon himself if he did this to Bucky… He takes a deep breath and decides to rip of the band aid in one go.

**Steve: did I accidently call you?**

He can’t help his knee from bouncing up and down until his phone buzzes in his hand.

**Bucky: Yes. Couldn’t pick up tho. Haven’t listen to your message. Something’s wrong?**

Steve can’t hold back a ridiculous sigh of relief.

**Steve: no, all good. I apparently accidentally called you with my butt… You can delete the message without listening to it…**

**Bucky: ok will do. Thanks for the head up… And I’m sorry your butt miss me so much XD**

**Steve: He’s not the only one… jerk :)**

**Bucky: :))**

**Steve: Are you done with work?**

**Bucky: Yes. Have a stuff to deal with, then I go to Stark ind.**

**Steve: ok. See you later then.**

Steve feels so light and Bucky seems so joyful. It’s a shame they don’t get to see each other tonight. Instead, Steve will have the pleasure to be in Sam’s company. Steve probably has the stupidest smile on his face right now but there’s no one here to see it yet, so who cares?

\----

Bucky is a little shit. And right now, he loves it so much. He lied. Right at Steve’s face. He wants to see how Steve will blush when he realizes what happened. The mere thought of it make his blood runs south, but he can’t indulge right now. So he ignores it and walks a little quicker, hoping he’ll be there soon enough for what he has planned.

\----

They still can’t see each other on Tuesday, with Steve back at school and Bucky working all day long. But they both know that, comes Wednesday, Bucky’s all free and they can basically spend all of Steve’s free time together.

On Wednesday afternoon, Steve usually helps Mr. Barton with his junior classes. Children from 5 to 16, coming from low-income families, come to the school to learn the basis of drawing. Mr. Barton had asked for Steve’s help after the growing success of what was only experimental at first. It allows Steve to have a small income. And Steve has always been fascinated by how Mr. Barton is around children. So patient, so clear… He lets them try, helps them when they want, only shows them if they prefer it that way… Steve always tries to be as good and patient, but he doubts he really succeeds. There are a couple of children who always smile at him as if he was Santa Claus, and that alone would be worth coming. And some of them are really good as well… There’s a ten-year-old girl called Sharon who will go far, Steve is sure of it. She’s the sweetest girl ever, and oh so talented too…

But when he arrives to the class today, Bucky is waiting for him in the corridor. Leaning against the wall, arms crossed, looking like a god damn fashion model.

“What are you doing here?” Steve asks, worried.

“I’m fine, Steve…” Bucky answers before kissing him. “Mr. Barton will deal with the class on his own today.”

“What?... Why?..” Steve is a little lost, but Bucky smiles and just shows him a key.

“You said you needed those four hours… Well Mr. Barton agreed to let you catch them up this afternoon…” he shrugs, facing Steve’s surprised face.

“You… you came and asked him for me?”

Bucky steps closer and kisses him once more. “Of course I did. You seemed so distressed, I thought…”

Steve stops him with a kiss of his own. “Why are you so perfect?...” he whispers. Bucky looks away, face falling a little. “You are, Buck… To me you are. Please believe me…” Steve pleads, hugging Bucky tight.

Bucky doesn’t answer, just start smiling again – even if Steve can see it’s all fake – and grabs him by the shoulders.

“Come on, punk, let’s get going…. Can’t wait to stay still for four more hours this week…”

“The pain you go through for me, right…” Steve teases, and finally Bucky’s smile reaches his eyes.

\---

Bucky really wishes he believed Steve when he says stuff like that. He can see in Steve’s eyes that the guy believes every word he says. But in the back of Bucky’s mind, there’s a voice, whose tone sounds suspiciously like Brock’s, telling him “Wait for it… Just wait for the fall…”

They both settle in the empty classroom. It’s weird to be only the two of them… Plus there are no class in any of the rooms around theirs, so it’s just deadly silent and their voice and moves ring loudly.

Bucky doesn’t even bother going to the change room to get naked. He will end up naked there anyway. And Steve has already seen him…

He thinks about what happened last Monday, and how alone they are right now… And he holds himself for three hours, keeping memories and fantasies in his head, before breaking down.

“Steve…” he whispers. Steve looks up, surprised. “You look so good when you’re all focused like that…” Steve starts blushing and smiles bashfully. “You have no idea, do you? The things you do to me…” Steve looks down and shakes his head.

“Buck… Stop that, I need to work…”

“But Steve…” Oops. That was close to a whine. Bucky doesn’t care. He can feel his semi hard-on against his thigh. Steve’s head shoots back up and Bucky can see the baby blue in Steve’s eyes being swallowed by dark pupils. “Steve…” he whispers again. “Do you have any idea how amazing you sound when you come?”

Oh god. That was worth it so much. Steve’s face takes a shade of red Bucky had never seen on anyone before.

“You… You said… I …”

“I lied, Steve… I picked up the phone…”

Steve looks completely devastated and walks up to him. “Oh my God Bucky, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“I’m not, Steve. I’m so not sorry…”

“But… I don’t want you to feel like you have to…”

“Steve…” Bucky stops him, irritated. “Just… don’t… Don’t ruin it… It felt so good… So good…” He doesn’t move, even if the memory makes him completely hard now. He just pulls Steve to force him to sit next to him. He kisses the side of Steve’s neck and whispers against the skin. “I wonder if you look as amazing as you sound, Steve…” He can hear Steve’s breath coming to a light stop, then starting again, a little shaky. Steve brings his hand on Bucky’s hip. “You turned me on so bad… I didn’t remember how it felt, and God it felt so good…” He draws a path of light kisses up Steve’s neck and along his jawline while Steve’s hand start stroking circles on his skin. “I imagined it was your hand on me all along…” Steve moans softly and closes his eyes, grabbing a handful of Bucky’s butt. Bucky whimpers.  “I want to hear you again… I want to make you…” For the first time, Bucky reaches for Steve’s crotch without any fear. And the sound Steve makes is so perfect…

“We can’t do that here, Buck…” Steve pants, without doing anything to stop him really. And his hand remains where it is, too.

Bucky considers the idea. Like, seriously. There’s no one around. They are alone. They could get away with it… But… in the same time… Bucky has been waiting a long time to be ready for this, he can wait a couple more hours. He bites Steve’s earlobe before sighing. “A shame really…” He takes his hand off Steve and kisses him chastely. “Go back to work, then…” he says in a fake desperate voice.

Steve’s laugh is a little tense but he goes back to his easel after a second with his forehead against Bucky’s and a last kiss. He closes his eyes and takes a couple of deep breaths.

“I hate you, you know that?”

“No, you don’t” Bucky says playfully. He’s still hard and it sucks, but he’s pretty sure they will deal with it soon enough… And at least, _he_ doesn’t have to focus on anything.

“No, I don’t…” Steve repeats lovingly and it hits deep in Bucky’s heart.

\----

What a little fucker. Steve could be upset, if he wasn’t so turned on. Frankly, it would have been anyone but Bucky, Steve would probably have smacked them in the face for lying about something like that. But Bucky… He sounded so wrecked… His eyes were completely black, his pupils blown away and the way he talked… The way he touched Steve without fear or hesitation… Steve was wasted.

Steve tries to focus on his work, but it’s hard with an uncomfortable erection strained in his tight jeans and the memory of Bucky’s hand against it still in his mind. Bucky’s position doesn’t let him see if Bucky’s still hard as well, but he hopes he is. That way he’s not the only one to suffer.

It’s actually the first time Steve gets a _proper_ look at Bucky’s cock… And let’s just say his dreams can add a brand new kind of fantasy because the guy is _hung._ Steve swallows hard and shakes his head, trying to think about other things than the feeling of a cock this size inside of him. Because it’s clearly not helping with his problem.

He can hear Bucky, the little shit, giggling from his stage. He tries to shoot him a dark look but miserably fails and ends up laughing with Bucky.

“Come on Stevie, just one hour left…” Bucky’s voice is full of promises.

Steve takes a deep breath and start working again.

\----

They hastily close the door of Steve’s flat behind them and after getting rid of their coats, Bucky lifts Steve up and carries him directly to the bedroom. Steve is still giggling when Bucky lets him fall on his back on the mattress and lets himself lay on top of Steve.

They kiss hungrily, shoving their tongue in the other’s mouth and drinking the other’s breath. Bucky breaks the kiss and gets rid of Steve’s shirt, while Steve fights with Bucky’s button-up. Bucky ends up helping him and they both guffaw nervously. Bucky goes back to planting trails of kisses anywhere he can reach, down Steve’s torso, his hand caressing the smooth skin, feeling the hard ribs so close underneath. He revels how good it feels, so much better than he pictured. He licks and bites a perky little nipple. Steve takes a sharp inhale at this and Bucky does it again, just to see. This time Steve moans – loudly. And thrust his hips up, getting their hard-ons to brush against the other’s body and making Bucky whimper against his skin. And while Bucky share his care between Steve’s nipples, making him squirm and moan beneath him, he can feel Steve’s hands stroking his back and running through his hair. Bucky can’t hold back a shiver.

“Steve…” Bucky pants a little, going back up to look at Steve in the eyes. “Can I ask you one thing?”

“Anything…” Steve breathes out, kissing him open-mouthed. ‘Anything you want…”

“Please don’t… Don’t hold my head?”

Steve stares at Bucky for a second and Bucky can see the sorrow in his eyes before Steve starts kissing him again. Bucky doesn’t want them to start talking about the whys again.

“Yeah, sure… Sure…” Steve pants against his mouth.

Then Bucky goes back to discover Steve’s body, kissing and sucking and licking his way down, discovering what makes Steve shivers, what makes him moan, what makes his back arches… And doing it again – just to be sure. And the sounds Steve makes are so much better when you hear them live, and his face, lost in pleasure, looks so completely gorgeous. Bucky’s already aching hard, and Steve hasn’t laid a finger on him yet…

As he unbuttons Steve’s jeans, he kisses the tattoo along Steve’s hipbone, earning a needy whimper. He didn’t take Steve as a tattoo guy, but then he still has trouble imagining him as a little punk… The tattoo says “When you lose touch with inner stillness, you lose touch with yourself. When you lose touch with yourself, you lose yourself in the world.” Somehow it moves Bucky deeply.

“A vestige of your punk period?” he whispers against the skin, while he gets the pants and underpants out of the way.

“Hmmm…” Steve moans, shaking his head. “Before…” he exhales.

“I love it…” Bucky hums, making his way along the hip bone, kissing and sucking. Steve shivers when Bucky’s breath strokes the tip of his hard cock.

“Buck… ‘re you sure?” Steve pants. Bucky smiles fondly – he knows Steve would stop immediately if Bucky asked him to, and that’s probably the reason why Bucky feels comfortable enough to do it – and just flat-tongue licks a stripe from Steve’s balls to the tip of his dick. Steve’s back arches while Steve whines loudly. “Oh my… God Buck….”

Bucky hums again, shuffling a little to get comfortably settled before taking Steve’s dick in his hand and starting to suck on the tip, using his tongue the way he knows best to get Steve cursing and whimpering underneath him. Bucky is so excited he can get Steve to produce those amazing sounds, that he can make him feel that good. He starts thrusting against the mattress to try and get some relief, just as he starts giving Steve full thrusts into the back of his throat. Bucky’s surprised by Steve’s size, but it just fits perfectly in his mouth and he tastes just right.

Steve’s breath is coming out in small whines now and Bucky can see him fight against the need to thrust back in Bucky’s throat. Bucky’s grateful he doesn’t because he doesn’t think he could take it. Bucky alternates between full on sucks and little twists and swirls of his tongue on the tip of Steve’s cock with his hand wrapped on the base of it, keeping him guessing what’s going to come next.

“Oh Buck… Hmmm… you feel… so fucking good...” Bucky hums around Steve’s dick, winning a loud whimper. He starts to suck harder on the tip and add pressure in his hand and Steve gets louder and louder. He seems not to know what to do with his hands and ends up with an arm thrown over his head and a hand clammed on Bucky’s biceps.

“Oh Buck… Buck I’m not… I’m…”

Bucky stops just long enough to order “Look at me Steve… I want to see you face…” before starting sucking fully on Steve’s dick. Steve starts trembling under him, whimpering loudly. He can see Steve frowning, trying to focus enough to get his head to look down. And when Steve is finally watching Bucky, Bucky _really_ starts to give him all. Steve shouts and starts to throw his head back before remembering what Bucky asked and looking back down.

“Hmm… Buck… I’m… Oh…”

Steve looks even more beautiful than Bucky could ever imagine. His back arches in a perfect curve as he shoots hot spurts of come down Bucky’s throat. He’s shaking hard and his breath is laborious and coming out in needy whines. Bucky keeps nursing Steve’s dick until Steve whines “Enough, Buck, that’s enough… Please…” Only then does he let it go. He kisses his way back up. Steve puts one of his hand on his cheek and asks “Is it ok?” Bucky only nods and Steve pulls him up and kisses him lazily.

\----

Steve feels bad he came so fast, but Bucky asking him to look at him was just... Bucky looked so amazing, with his mouth stretched around Steve’s cock, and his eyes dark with arousal and… it felt so much better than Steve had imagined… And the thing he did with his tongue, that little shit… Steve was already fighting the heat pooling in his belly before that, but he was doomed the moment he laid eye on Bucky.

He can feel Bucky’s hard-on against his thigh and start grinding against Bucky, while still kissing. Bucky closes his eyes and groans.

“Steve… You don’t have to…”

“Are you kidding me?” Steve stops him. “What do you think? Now it’s my turn to see how you sound, jerk…” he adds with a wicked smile. He pushes Bucky flat on his back and nearly rips off the button of his jeans.

\---

Bucky’s eyes are glued to Steve. Who just got Bucky’s erection freed and who is looking at it like the best candy ever at Halloween night…

“Steve…” he whines, both needy and scared. But Steve just straddles him and kisses him, grinding against him just the right way to get him groaning again.

“If you’re not ready, it’s fine, Buck… I won’t do anything you don’t want me too, I swear… ok?”

Bucky pants a little. He wants it so bad… He knows he can trust Steve. He knows. “Ok…”

Steve kisses the soft skin behind Bucky’s ear, then leaves a trail of kisses down his jawline.

“What about I do nothing more than what you did to me?” Steve offers. Bucky thinks about it and nods. Yeah. He can handle that. He wants it.

Then Steve starts going down, taking his time and making Bucky’s skin get goosebumps. He cherish every single one of Bucky’s scars, kissing them softly. He uses his hands to explore all of Bucky’s body, feeling the defined muscles and twisting and pinching his nipples until Bucky arches his back and begs for more.

“Please, Steve… Please…”

When Steve finally palms Bucky’s dick, Bucky knows he sounds completely wrecked. He’s been waiting for so long, and it feels so much better than what he thought… Steve plants a kiss on the tip of Bucky’s cock and Bucky shudders.

“Steve… I don’t think I can last very long…” Bucky prefers warning him. “You look so damn gorgeous, I nearly came while watching you…”

Steve has already wrapped his lips around Bucky’s cock and whines while taking him as deep as he can. He gags a little and Bucky sees stars. He might shout a little but he doesn’t care. It feels so good. Steve’s mouth is hot and moist and tight and he sucks him just the right way.

“Hmmm Steve, just like that…” Steve’s tongue twirls on the tip and hits the exact right spot to make Bucky squirms and whimpers. He pants faster and faster, already feeling so close. He closes his eyes to try and retain the feeling.

“It’s alright, Buck…” Steve grabs his cock and gives it a couple of rough strokes. “You can come, it’s all right… We’ll have time to do it again…” he adds with a smile, before swallowing him again and sucking real hard and fast. Bucky brings his hand to cup Steve’s cheek and just leave it there, feeling his own cock stretching the skin.

“OH! Oh my god Stevie… You feel so damn good… So good…” Steve’s eyes are not leaving his, and in that position, he has to watch him through his incredible eyelashes and Bucky falls a little more in love with Steve Rogers. “So beautiful…” he whispers. Steve takes him fully, gagging a little and staying there, his throat tight around Bucky and he starts humming and Bucky’s lost. His hips starts thrusting up and Steve just takes it, swallows it all and keeps on sucking until Bucky rides out of his orgasm.

Bucky is still shaking. Part of it is because it was just amazing. Part of it is because Steve did what he told. He respected Bucky and didn’t try to get anything _more_. Steve climbs up Bucky’s body to place a close-mouth kiss on his lips.

“Thank you…” Bucky whispers, hoping his gratitude can somehow reach Steve.

“You are more than welcome…” Steve answers, stroking a lock of hair away from Bucky’s face. “You are amazing…” he adds, before kissing him again. “If I’d known all it would take was an accidental call…” he muses.

“Do you jerk off thinking about me often, Rogers?” Bucky asks, fighting a laugh as Steve turns bright red again. “Next time, I’ll make you come faster than me…” Bucky mumbles in Steve’s hair, still smiling.

“Oh really?” Steve laughs. “Is that a challenge?” he cocks an eyebrow.

Oh boy. Bucky only smiles and thinks, “If you want to play that game, punk…

I’m on.”


	13. Absolute little shits

And on Bucky is. He can’t believe he let one man ruin it all for him, because right now, it feels so good… He feels alive.

That Friday, Sam and Nat come crashing at Steve’s flat again, and Nat brings a bag full with Bucky’s clothes with her.

“I feel like I’m not  gonna  see you much this week end…” she smiles, teasingly. He can’t help himself and sticks his tongue out while snitching the bag away from her. She even put his toothbrush and all. Bucky could kiss her. He actually does plant a kiss on her cheek and pull her into a hug. He loves the way she giggles. He knows he stopped showing his affection for a while, and he knows she misses it – he remembers them being very tactile. And her still trying after he came back. He’s happy to catch himself being able to offer her that again.

Once more they have an amazing night, the four of them. Nat starts getting theories of her own concerning the TV show, and they are even more ridiculous than Sam’s. Bucky laughs so much his face actually hurt. And Steve stays in his arms all evening, warming up his side. He loves every second of it. And loves the week-end that follows even more.

Steve and Bucky do enjoy every minute they can snitch. And if they have a hard time keeping their hands off one another, well… it’s a shame, really. Plus Bucky doesn’t need long to figure out he can turn Steve on just by talking to him. And he adores it.

Just to be clear, Bucky actually wins the bet. And he’s oh so proud of it, because he’s a little shit like that. He has Steve pinned against a wall in the restroom of the Vision and while whispering the filthiest thing he could ever do to him (in his dreams, because Bucky knows he’s far from ready to do this… But hey, he has the right to dream, right?), he jerks him off rough and fast. Steve’s lost when Bucky bites his earlobe while mumbling how gorgeous Steve is. He starts shaking and Bucky stops him from whimpering a little too loudly by shutting his mouth with Bucky’s own. Once Steve is back with Bucky and Bucky has wiped the mess out of his hand, Bucky’s laugh is stopped by a slap on his shoulder. (“You jerk…” “What? Told you I’d win…Plus you loved it…” Steve had looked both satisfied and embarrassed. “… You’re still a jerk… Truce?” he’d said and Bucky had just nodded before pulling Steve back into the bar.)

Of course, everything isn’t going easily. But Steve is amazing at reading him, and stops as soon as he feels Bucky’s not there anymore. Sometimes he does even before Bucky realizes something’s wrong.

And the best part is Steve never asks him for any reason. He just stops whatever he was doing and comforts Bucky until he’s not freaking out anymore. And Bucky is so grateful, because…. Because he can’t. He can’t tell Steve he can’t stand him holding his head too tight because it reminds him  too much how his mouth was just another hole to fuck for Brock. That the reason he jumps and closes off when Steve grabs him a little too roughly from behind is because that’s always how everything was starting at the end. That the reason he’s scared of Steve’s reaction when he wakes up from a night terror is that Brock used to tell him to stop acting like a child and man up. Usually with a brutal shove away if Bucky were to search for any kind of physical comfort.

Somehow, Bucky thinks Steve has a pretty good ideas of the whys. He’s far from stupid. But he never ask Bucky to confirm, and Bucky… Well knowing Steve won’t push helps him calm down even faster.

Sometimes Bucky wonders when Steve will turn his back on him. Sometimes Bucky wonders how he can ever deserve someone like Steve. He tries to push both thoughts away. Just thriving on whatever time he has left.

\----

Steve can’t believe how lucky he is. Because it would seem Bucky is as much into him and Steve’s into Bucky… How the man can actually be turned on by him, Steve doesn’t know… And he doesn’t care. He just enjoys.

That little bet of theirs was the worst idea ever. Bucky might be afraid, but he’s not a startled virgin. Far from it. He knows how to use his hands, and more than that, his mouth… And the way Steve feels when Bucky starts talking in that husky, hoarse voice of his… It sends shivers down his spine and makes him see stars. So yeah… maybe Bucky won the first round, but Steve will have his revenge. He can play dirty too. 

Even so, he’s always so careful whenever they get closer. Careful to watch for any sign of discomfort. Because he knows Bucky will probably keep on trying, just for Steve’s sake.  And there’s no way on earth Steve makes him do anything Bucky’s not ready to do. Steve’s not sure if he’s doing good or not. He hopes he is. But he sure as hell won’t ask Bucky any question. Because he knows – maybe only guesses – how painful it must be. So he tries to silently support him. He hopes that’s how it shows through.

Time flies by and Steve surely hasn’t seen the whole week pass but  it’s  Friday again. Which means four hours of staring at the gorgeous body of his amazing boyfriend, followed by a night with Sam and Nat. And on Saturday, Nat agreed to come back so Steve can draw her. Steve is rather excited by all those perspectives.

The class does start same as usual. And Steve behaves for a while… Well, for the longest while he can manage. But he wants his revenge, and he has a good idea on how to get it.

\---

Bucky can’t believe Steve right now. That little punk is giving him the doe eyes from across the room and the worst is that it’s working so damn well. He has his head down and looks at him from under his eyelashes and Bucky can’t help but remember the last time Steve looked at him that way… Kneeling between his legs and his mouth stuffed with Bucky’s dick. Bucky swallows hard  and tries to think about something else, because damn it! He’s naked and he can’t have a hard-on in the middle of the class! 

He’s ready to look away when Steve – that absolute little shit – starts sticking his tongue out to lick his lower lips in a way that should be illegal, still staring at Bucky with innocent, angelic eyes. Then he bites his lower lips and Bucky can feel his hard on pressed against his thigh, twitching slightly and he knows he has to tap out to calm down, because Steve’s not helping, neither is his own head, and this time there are people with them and  someone could see ! 

He manages to grab his bathrobe without standing up and drapes himself in it before walking as casually as he can right now to the restroom.

Bucky rests his hand on the sink and leans on to rest his forehead on the cool mirror. He takes some deep breaths to try and calm down, when the door opens and closes quietly behind him. He hears the lock engaging and groans “I fucking hate you so much right now, Rogers…”

“No, you don’t”, Steve whispers and Bucky looks up in the mirror and see Steve and his shit-eating grin. He gives him a dark look, but Steve just walks to him.

“Anyone could’ve seen…”

“Actually, no one can the way you sit, and trust me that’s a fucking shame…” Steve objects, still grinning. He steps closer. “I’m  gonna  hug you right now, ok?” he asks. He started doing this because he figured out Bucky was less inclined to freak out when he knew what Steve was up to.

Bucky just nods and leans in Steve’s embrace, feeling Steve’s forehead lightly pressed between his shoulder blades. When one of Steve’s hands slither in his bathrobe and takes hold of his hard-on, Bucky’s head falls backwards with a light moan. 

“Steve… We don’t have time for that…” he regretfully says when Steve starts stroking up and down.

“Well… We’ll have to make it  quick ” Steve gallantly answers with a mocking laugh, while squeezing a little harder and giving a rough tug.

Bucky barely holds on another moan and feels his knees getting weak a little. He hates Steve. He loves him so much. That little punk.

“This isn’t payback, is it?” He manages to stutter.

“Now… Why would I do that” Steve is probably standing on his tiptoes, still jerking Bucky off, because he whispered this directly in Bucky’s ear before biting the earlobe, guffawing.

Bucky whimpers, low and husky, when Steve slows down and rubs his thumbs over the top of his cock. “ Shhhh … No one can hear us…” Steve murmurs.

Bucky reaches behind and rests his hand on Steve’s hip. He closes his eyes and bites his lips to stop another whine as Steve takes up his speed and tightens his grip around Bucky’s dick. 

“Look at you Buck… I wish… Oh how I wish you could see yourself the way I do… I wish they could all see you the way I do… Because you’re… So… damn… mind-blowingly… gorgeous…”

Steve is still whispering directly in Bucky’s ear, stopping only to sloppily kiss wherever he can reach and Bucky is embarrassed how much all of this turns him on. But he holds on, because there’s no way he loses Round two – let’s be clear, he knows for sure this is round two, and considering how motivated Steve is to get him off, he knows it too. Bucky turns his head to the side to muffle any sound he could make in the mess of Steve’s hair. His hips start shallowly thrusting in Steve’s fist.

“Look at you, Buck… Look at yourself… You’re such a work of art… Look…” There’s a commanding tone in Steve’s voice that goes straight to Bucky’s cock and he can’t do anything but obey and take a look in the mirror.

He looks… debauched. His hair falls in front of his eyes and his mouth hangs up open. His skin faintly glitters with sweat under the light. He can see one of Steve’s hand stroking the line of his Adonis belt, and the other tightly gripping Bucky’s erection. Bucky’s breathing heavily. His eyes don’t even stop a second on the emptiness of his left sleeve. They stop at his shoulder, where Steve is placing a light kiss before looking at the mirror too.

“You still can’t see…? You’re so gorgeous, Buck…”

Bucky makes an embarrassing noise, feeling his orgasm hitting him with no warning whatsoever. He tightens his grip on Steve’s hip and lets his head fall back again with a choked moan.

“ Shhh … It’s all right, Buck, I got you… I got you…” Steve keeps on whispering all along, until Bucky turns around to crash their lips together. He lifts Steve the best he can with one arm and turn them both around until Steve is sitting on the sink. Bucky grabs the side of his face and kisses all the way down his jaw.

“Buck… Bucky… No matter how much I’d love us to keep going… We have to go back…” Steve stops him. Bucky stops and tucks his face in the crook of Steve’s neck.

“Do we really have to?” he whimpers softly. He feels Steve nods. He also feels Steve’s chest shaking and Bucky knows Steve’s laughing. “You’re a punk…”

“Oh come on, Buck, I got you good, didn’t I?”

Bucky looks up, then starts smiling. “You did indeed…” He sighs dramatically before closing the space between their face. “But at least, I’m rid of  my  problem…” He adds while palming Steve’s groin gently. Steve sucks in a rough breath. Bucky’s not surprised to find Steve’s completely hard. He indulges in it a few more seconds until Steve’s eyes roll back with a light moan, then stops and steps back with a dorky smile. 

“You’re a fucking jerk” Steve opens his eyes and says before kissing him again. “Leave first, okay?”

Bucky nods and reties his bathrobe before unlocking the door. He turns around just before leaving.

“Don’t you dare do anything about that, you punk …  That’s  mine  to take care of!”

Steve flips his finger as an answer and Bucky’s still laughing a little when he takes back his place on the stage. A quick look around the class and he’s sure no one noticed anything. He hopes.

\----

Steve considers for a second disobeying Bucky, but in the same time there was something incredibly hot in Bucky’s voice and Steve really wants to hear it more often, and to listen to it. So he just takes time to readjust himself and goes back to his easel. He knows Bucky’s watching him  like  a hawk, probably with that stupid and adorable half smile of his. 

Steve looks up once he’s seated and can’t help smiling back. And squirming a little on his chair because damn… His jeans are tight.

\---

Unfortunately, Mr. Barton asks Steve for a quick word at the end of the class. Steve’s scared he wasn’t as discreet as he had hoped and already starts thinking about being fired from that class, or even worse, from the school…

“Steven, I’m glad to see you up and running. I wanted to see you last week but you still seemed a little off…”

“Yeah, I’m good, I’m all good now, thanks a lot…” Steve answers nervously. “Thanks again for letting me catch up the session I missed.” He adds.

“No problem, you should thank Mr. Barnes…” Steve feels himself blushing and swears internally. But Mr. Barton is looking down at some paper on his desk. “So… I have a slight problem, Steven…”

There it is. Steve feels his guts tightening and his heart is beating too fast and he’s not panicking, but he is a little…

“Considering what you have produced so far, I’m pretty sure what you’ll end up with after the last two sessions will be a true masterpiece. So I have two options: either I replace your Mrs. Carter portrait with Mr. Barnes’ one…”

Steve’s not sure that’s what he wants. Because he’s not happy yet with his portrait, and he doesn’t want to show it to anyone if it’s not absolutely perfect. And he was so proud of his portrait of Mrs. Carter. And she was so happy she was going to be part of the annual exhibit. She even promised she’ll be there.

“Or…?” he asks.

“…or… I could decide to show both of them. Anyway I won’t take any decision against your will.”

“You… What?” That’s a dream. Two of his pieces at the exhibit? The same year? Like… really? And it’s up to him? Steve fails to see the trap here. But there has to be. Because good things don’t happen to him. 

Then he thinks… Bucky happened. Good things can happen. Maybe?

Mr. Barton smiles at Steve’s surprise. “You can think about it during the week and tell me next class. Okay?”

“O…. okay” Steve stutters.

“Well then, have a nice week-end, Steven.” Mr. Barton dismisses him.

“You too, Sir…” Steve manages to say before leaving.


	14. Terrifying

“What did he want?”

Steve looks away from the window. “Hmm?”

“Barton. What did he want?” Bucky repeats.

“Oh. Something to do with the annual exhibit… He chose two of my works, but he lets me decide which one… Maybe both… I don’t know… ”

“That’s great!” Bucky enthusiastically exclaims. Then sees the lack of reaction on Steve’s face. “It is, right?” he adds, casting a quick look at him.

“Yeah. It is. I’m very lucky.” Steve forces himself to smile.

“Then why the sad face?” Bucky reaches to stroke Steve’s cheek. Steve sighs.

“It’s just… I’m not used to people seeing me… or my work. So… It’s stressful. I’m happy. But still.”

It’s upsetting. Because Bucky doesn’t understand how people can choose not to see someone like Steve. And he doesn’t know how to show Steve he does see him. He sees him. Sometimes it feels like Steve is the only one he sees anymore… But he knows how it feels, how comfortable it is and yet so terrifying, to feel invisible.

Bucky stops the car and Steve looks around, confused. They are on an empty parking lot, away from any light and particularly away from Steve’s flat.

“What… Where are…”

“Shhh… We have something to take care of before we go and meet with the black birds, remember?” Bucky started to fondly call Nat and Sam the “black birds” after they admitted they called their little match-making experiment “Operation Falcon”, but Nat thought “Operation Black Widow” was much better… (“Black widow was a freaky name, Natasha! It doesn’t _mean_ anything!” “Oh because Operation Falcon means anything?? Come on, it’s funny… Black (she pointed at Sam) Widow (she pointed at herself)!” “You… are not a widow?” Bucky objected. “No. But a black widow is a poisonous spider…” she answered, her smile somehow terrifying. Bucky approved with a smile and Steve just shook his head, laughing.)

Bucky unlocks his seatbelt and leans on to kiss Steve. He unlocks Steve’s seatbelt as well and drags him onto Bucky’s lap. He’ll think about all this later, but right now, he wants to fulfill his promise. Because he made Steve pay for his little trick during the rest of the class. He can play the same game pretty well too, and Steve probably regretted starting this little war, considering how tough it seemed to be for him to sit still for the rest of the class.

Bucky starts kissing Steve hungrily, his hands roaming beneath Steve’s shirt, reveling in the touch of his soft skin. Bucky blesses Stark and everyone involved for finding a way to get him a sense of touch, of warmth, of softness in his left hand… He thinks he’s currently making the best out of it.

Steve seems to catch up the train rather quickly, as far as Bucky can tell. He sighs against Bucky’s mouth and grinds against his lap. He reaches for something on Bucky’s side and suddenly the seat’s backrest goes down and leaves Bucky laying on his back. Bucky has maybe yelped a little in the short fall, and Steve mercilessly laughs at him. His laugh dies when Bucky pulls him back into a kiss that leaves him breathless. Bucky’s hands slide along Steve’s back and grab his ass, forcing him to grind down harder. They both moan hotly with relief.

Bucky can’t believe how good Steve is at that. He undulates above Bucky’s, making their hard-ons slide against each other each time he grinds down. They barely keep their lips apart except to catch their breath or to let go of another whimper. Steve’s hands are everywhere, on his skin, leaving a burning trail in their path. Bucky feels mesmerized right now, staring at Steve’s beautiful face lost in pleasure. He absentmindedly realizes they are acting like horny teenagers, but also decides he doesn’t give a shit. Bucky manages to undo Steve’s pant button and shoves his hand in to really grab a handful of Steve’s beautiful ass. He pulls on the clothes until Steve’s erection pops free, just as Steve unbuttons Bucky’s jeans too and gets his hands on him.

They don’t have enough room to do much more but Bucky manages to twist them over so he’s the one on top. He securely press Steve against the backrest and they stare at each other for a second. Then Bucky picks up the rhythm, grinding harder and faster, with Steve clawing at his back, moaning and whimpering against his skin and thrusting his hips up in rhythm to get _more_.

“Buck… Bucky please…” Steve begs, a little out of breath.

Bucky leans on his left arm and brings his right hand between them to take them both at the same time. The sound Steve makes is music to Bucky’s ears. He starts stroking both their dicks at the same time, still rolling his hips down in rhythm. Steve grabs his face to kiss him deep, and starts thrusting his hips faster, needy whines coming out of his mouth each time he breathes out. Bucky tightens his hold and Steve closes his eyes with a broken moan, his whole body shivering. Bucky knows the signs now, and speeds up a little more, kissing along Steve’s jawline up to behind his ear. He just repeats what Steve told him just a couple of hours before.

“I got you, Stevie… You can let go…”

Steve’s back arches against Bucky’s body and the mere sight of Steve’s face is enough to push Bucky above the edge. He doesn’t let go of his hold until Steve limbers under him. They keep on kissing lazily for a while, until Steve sighs.

“They are going to get worried…”

“I know…” Bucky answers, regretful.

“We made a mess on my shirt…” Steve groans, disgusted. Bucky can’t help but laughing, trying to hide it in the crook of Steve’s neck. Steve slaps him on the arm. “Come on! I can’t go home with cum on my shirt, Buck…”

Bucky needs a minute to stop laughing every time he looks up at Steve’s face. When he finally manages, he suggests “I can give you my sweatshirt?” before bursting out laughing once more. Steve grumbles but can’t help smiling while getting rid of his shirt. He squirms back to his seat while pulling his pants up. They both get dressed back and Bucky thinks Steve looks very cute in Bucky’s oversized sweatshirt. His hands don’t even come all the way to the end of the sleeves and he looks like he’s a little lost in it. Bucky kisses him softly at the corner of his mouth. “I love you, punk.”

Steve’s smile would overshadow the brightest star, and Bucky answers with a smile of his own when Steve says “I love you too, Buck…”

**\---**

“How can Bucky stand still that way for _hours_ …”

Nat is ranting a little, but Steve just smiles gently, still focused on his work. He knows it’s a pain to stand still and Nat is doing very well, no matter how much she bitches. And he loves drawing her. She has gorgeous features. Steve thinks Nat and Bucky probably made an amazing couple as teenagers…

“You know, it’s disturbing…” Steve looks up, confused. “The way you look at me. I feel like you see the worst and darkest parts of me and it’s disturbing…” Nat clarifies.

Steve laughs under his breath. “It’s just because I’m staring, Natasha. I don’t see all that…”

“Liar…” she fondly retorts.

He shrugs. “I don’t see how much of a dark and bad parts you can have, tho…” Nat just cocks an eyebrow and grins. Steve keeps on working for a while in a comfortable silence.

“Steve… Can I ask you something?”

“Sure…”

“How much did Bucky tell you?” Steve stops drawing and looks up. Bucky’s not there, he still goes to weekly appointment with Sam and Steve is happy things go well between the four of them. He knows Sam and Nat – especially Nat – know more about Bucky than he does, and it’s fine. He doesn’t want to push Bucky.

“Enough. Not all, but enough. About after his tour, mainly…”

“About Brock, then?” Nat specifies.

“Yes. About _Brock_ …” He spits the name. They stay silent for a while and Steve looks down on his drawing. “I wish he’d trust me enough now… You know… I’m trying to be here for him, the best I can, but I don’t _know_ what I’m facing…”

Nat stares at him a moment before flatly saying “You do realize you and Bucky are the worst self-depreciative dumbass I ever had the pleasure to meet, right?”

Steve looks up again, taken aback. “I… beg your pardon?”

“Look at you. You think you’re not enough for him. He certainly thinks you’d be far better off without him. You two are … Lovingly exhausting. But exhausting still.” She sighs.

“I don’t… he… I…” Steve stutters before managing to utter a whole sentence. “I wouldn’t be better off without him…”

“I’m not the one who needs to hear it, Steve…” Nat kindly answers.

“I try to show him. To tell him. He’s…”

“I’m sure he knows it, somewhere deep inside… But he doesn’t know how to _feel_ anymore, Steve. It’s terrifying for him. Just… Be patient?”

Steve nods. He’s trying to be.

\---

“It’s a shame he’s one arm short, because god, I would make a snack out of him otherwise…”

Steve can’t help himself from snorting. And the whole group of girls turn around to stare at him. He can feel himself blushing but he keeps his head high. Because they’ve been gossiping about Bucky for ten minutes at least, and if they think his value is somehow lessened by the fact that he’s an amputee, they are the most stupid persons ever… Steve regrets arriving so early, but Bucky couldn’t meet him for lunch, so he hopes he can see him before the class…

“What was that, Rogers?” Helena asks. Steve’s always disliked Helena. She’s the type of woman who always got everything easy. Thrown at her feet. He’s not surprised she assumes Bucky would be up for whatever as long as it’s with her… She’d be so disappointed.

Steve just shrugs. “Just because he’s missing an arm makes him less attractive, then? Or less interesting? A pariah?” he innocently asks.

“As if you knew anything about him…” she answers ironically.

“I certainly know him better than you, considering I took the time to actually _talk_ to him…” Steve remarks. “You didn’t answer my question…” Helena pulls a disgusted face.

“I’ll never date a _cripple_ , Rogers… It’d be just as bad as dating… let’s say… someone like _you,_ ” she spits.

Steve starts becoming angry and words come out before he can think them through. “Well it’s a fucking shame neither _he_ nor _I_ are interested in vain wenches like the hoard of you…”

Helena stays open-mouthed for a second and Steve is so proud of himself, but then she glares at him like she’d like to kill him. “Just because you’re a fag doesn’t make everyone you pin for just as deviated as you…”

“Don’t call me that, Helena.” Steve groans. He doesn’t care being called a fag – he’s been called worse – but he doesn’t want her to insult Bucky like that.

“What, a fag? Ain’t that what you are, tho? A fucking fag… Heard Schmidt got you good, right? Man up, Rogers… Even I could beat him up single-handedly…” she mocks him. Steve clenches his hands into fists, trying to keep composure. “No one would ever want someone like you, Rogers, you’re _nothing_ … Do you really want to check how much I could…”

Helena stops dead in her track, watching above Steve’s shoulder with wide eyes. Steve is about to turn around when a strong arm slither around his waist and he knows whose arm it is without looking. He relaxes and smiles victoriously.

“What was that, miss?” Bucky politely asks Helena. She just shakes her head, still bewildered. Bucky kisses the side of Steve’s neck, just a ghost of a kiss, really, before saying, “I missed you today…”

“I missed you too…” Steve turns around, ignoring the girls still staring at them. There’s a question in Bucky’s eyes and Steve cocks his head, trying to understand what is going on.

“D’you mind if I kiss you now?” Bucky whispers. Then Steve understands. They never really went public about what’s going on between them, and Bucky is _worried_. For Steve. So Steve just reaches up to close the space between their lips. He can feel Bucky smiling against his lips. The kiss doesn’t last long, but Steve can hear the whispers behind his back. Bucky strokes his cheek gently. “I’ll see you later?” Steve nods and Bucky leans forwards to whisper in his ear “Slay them, ok?” Steve nods again with a smile and he lets go of Bucky’s hand when Bucky walks away.

Steve doesn’t turn around immediately, trying to regain his composure. When he does, all the girls – and some boys – are still staring at him with wide eyes. He decides to go with a shit-eating grin and a shrug, before walking into the class.

He goes to Mr. Barton to tell him his decision about the exhibit, then sits in front of his easel until the class starts. He’s surprised when Wanda, a student from Europe, comes to him and hesitantly says “Steve… I just… wanted to tell you I’m happy for you.  You’ve always been kind to me when people were mocking me, and … You deserve being happy… Don’t listen to her, ok?”

Steve is astonished, but manages to say “hum… Thank you?” Wanda just smiles and squeezes his arm before heading to her own easel.

Steve is still trying to digest what just happened when everyone comes in. He ignores the dark look he gets from Helena and her friends, but he’s surprised to see many people – like, more than half the class – kindly smiling at him, or even holding their thumbs up… He was so sure no one even knew he existed, he doesn’t really know how to react…

\---

Bucky takes time to calm himself before going out of the restroom. That little bitch trying to put Steve down… Bucky knows… He knows how little self-confidence Steve has, and there’s no way he lets a Barbie girl ruin it all. He gives her the darkest glare of his collection and she stops her diatribe immediately. And her face when he hugged Steve was so amazing… Somewhere between shock, disgust and regret… Bucky couldn’t help but give her a roguish smile. Just to make sure she really got the message. Strangely, she didn’t seem to want to go on with her little rant afterwards... A shame really…

Bucky walks to his place and he can’t believe there’s only two sessions left already… Time seems to fly by faster lately. He’s surprised how focused Steve is today. No fooling around, Bucky regrets a little. But he understands. It’s Steve’s studies, and Steve’s grades. And Steve told him he wanted to make good on that work, and it warms Bucky to know why… Plus Steve is a beautiful sight when he’s all concentrated on his work.

As usual, they drive to Steve’s place and Bucky can see Steve is nervous about something. So while they’re cooking and waiting for their friends, he just lightly pushes Steve with his shoulder.

“What’s eating you, punk?”

Steve looks at him and bites his lip, even more nervous.

“I… They’re gonna exhibit the painting. _Your_ painting. At the annual thing…”

Bucky has trouble processing what Steve just said, and when it hits him, he feels a wave of panic ripping through. He knows it’s irrational and that there’s nothing to fear, but he can’t help it. He can’t… He’s not ready for that many people to _see_ …

“They’re WHAT?”


	15. The beginning of the end

“No…”

“Bucky, it could change my life…”

“What about mine, Steve? WHAT ABOUT MINE?”

“Your… You…” Steve sputters.

“Did it ever occurred to you… I…”

“I could show you the painting first, Buck. So you see there’s nothing to fear…”

Bucky walks to Steve and grabs him by the shoulders. It’s not violent or anything, but there’s so much panic in Bucky’s eyes that Steve’s afraid he could snap at him.

“I can’t… have people see me the way you do, Steve. It’s… it’s too much…”

Steve hesitantly brings his hands on Bucky’s hips. “It’s ok, Buck… It’s fine… We’ll…”

“No! You don’t get to choose for me, Steve… _You_ can’t choose for _me._ ” Bucky jerks away from Steve.

“I’m not… No one has to know it’s you…” Steve says. He doesn’t know what to do, or what he has done to induce this.

“No no no no you have to tell them… you can’t… I can’t… you….” Bucky starts to really panic, his breaths short and rough.

“Bucky, breathe, just breathe… Please…” Steve tries to reach him again.

“I… You can’t… YOU CAN’T DO THIS TO ME!!!” Bucky steps back and yells, holding his head in his hands and sliding against the wall until his knees are tuck under his chin. He closes his eyes and Steve can see he’s doing one of Sam’s breathing exercises. Steve leaves him enough time to start breathing normally again, then crouches in front of him.

“Bucky! Please… My drawing…” Steve swallows hard. “My only worth is my drawing… I have nothing else. Nothing more. And the exhibit… It’s an amazing opportunity Mr. Barton gives me… There will be critics and professionals, and they could make or break our careers… And I can have not only one, but two of my works exhibited. I’ll never get a chance like that again…” Steve’s eyes are pleading Bucky to understand. He doesn’t want to seem selfish but… yes, for once he kind of is…

“Steve…”

“No, you don’t get to talk right now! It’s my turn to talk, Bucky…” Steve stands up and turns around, stopping to take a deep breath. He can’t yell. Not at Bucky. He swallows hard before talking again. “I know… I know I’m not much. That I can’t hold a job because I’m sick more than half of a year. That I can’t do much physically, because I’m … because I’m just skin and bones… That I’m not a good looking guy… The only thing that I have and that I’m proud of is my art. Please don’t take that away from me… Because … because I would. For you, I would. But just know it would make me miserable.”

“Don’t say that…” Bucky starts and stops immediately under Steve’s stare.

“It would, Buck.” Steve sighs. “I don’t understand what scares you that much…”

“I don’t… I can’t…”

“I told you I’ll never push you, Buck… And I’ll stand by that… But I will _need_ to know eventually… You will have to trust me… Because right now, it’s like walking through a minefield while blindfolded… I want to be there for you but I don’t _know_ …

\---

That’s it. The beginning of the end. Bucky knew. He knew it would happen eventually. He hides his face behind his knees, with his hands covering his neck.

“I can’t…’ he whines softly. He can’t tell Steve. Because telling never helped him. It only makes the nightmares come back stronger, makes him feel weak, makes him feel like the failure of a human being he is. “I’m sorry Steve, I…”

They both jump at the doorbell. The black birds. Sam and Nat are here, and Bucky’s freaking out on the floor and… Of course, they’ve seen Bucky that way – and much worse - countless times, but Bucky still hates every single one of them. He tries to wipe the tears from his eyes but doesn’t have time to stand up before Sam opens the door. Of course. Bucky forgot Sam has a key. In case of emergency.

Both Sam and Nat stop dead in their tracks and stare at the scene. Bucky thinks it’s probably ridiculous. He’s a grown up man and he’s crying over… the exhibit? Steve yelling at him? Both options are despising. Bucky hates himself.

Sam steps towards him but stops when Bucky growls “No… Don’t. Just. Don’t.”

“Okay, man… Whatever you need.”

Nat knows better, and she just walks to him and she stretches out her hands to pull him back on his feet. She doesn’t say anything, just squeezes his hand before letting go.

“Come on, I brought pop-corn…” She leads him toward the kitchen, leaving Sam pulling Steve towards his room. Bucky feels like his legs are jelly and he might use the wall a little to steady himself.

 “Spill the beans out…” Nat orders while pouring the pop-corn in a huge bowl. Bucky knocks his head against the cupboard repeatedly with a groan of frustration. “Come on Barnes… You both look like kicked puppies… Spill it!”

“I just freaked out… That’s a fucking surprise, right?” His voice is bitter and dry. And much louder than he thought.

“Bucky…” He shoots Nat a side look and shrugs.

“What? It is, isn’t it? Not like I don’t have them a hundred time a week because I can’t fucking function like a normal person!” He feels angry, and even if he knows he’s angry at himself only, he can’t help screaming at Nat. “I’m exhausted to pretend I’m normal and good and all, because I’m fucking not!! I am not good! I feel like I’m dying inside, and I thought… I thought I was getting better, but clearly I’m not!! It was just a band aid on a gunshot!” Nat only stares at him, completely unimpressed. Because she’s been yelled at more time than Bucky can count, and thank god she never holds it against him.

“Are you done?” She flatly asks.

Bucky takes a deep breath and looks at his feet. “Sorry…” he mumbles. He feels Nat squeezing his arm and looks back up. She just cocks an eyebrow and Bucky sighs. “There’s this big school exhibit and Steve’s all excited and… They are going to display Steve’s painting… of me… and I freaked out. And Steve yelled…” he adds miserably, looking back to his feet.

“James…” Nat waits until Bucky looks back at her. “He has the right to get angry sometimes, you know that… It doesn’t mean it’s against you…” Nat steps closer.

“He never…”

“He never did before because he knows how it makes you feel… So he’s been careful… But sometimes it’s harder to keep it all inside… When it’s very personal, for example…” Nat points out gently.

“Yeah… ok…” Bucky closes his eyes, trying to believe in that.

“Plus did you really think no one would ever see these drawings? Like… how many students are there in the class? Seriously Bucky?”

“I didn’t think that through, Nat! I didn’t… I …”

“You know that’s not as terrible as you build it up to be, sweetie…” Nat fondly says, sweeping a lock of hair away from Bucky’s face.

“He wants to know…” Bucky whispers so softly he’s not sure Nat could hear. She does.

“Don’t you think he has the right to? He’s been watching you struggling and he doesn’t know why, Bucky…” Nat squeezes his arm. “You can trust him with this…”

“No…” Bucky shakes his head. “I can’t, I can’t, because then…” Nat grabs his head firmly between her hands.

“Bucky… He will NOT turn into another Brock just because you open up fully to him… Can’t you see? If he was going to turn into a dick, he would have long ago… He’s a good man…”

“What if he hates me, Nat?”

“He won’t.”

“You don’t know… I… I can’t lose him, Nat… I can’t…”

“Bucky…” They both turn around to see Steve standing in the entry of the kitchen area. Bucky’s heart misses a beat. He feels so numb right now, he’s not sure if he’s even scared anymore. He only flatly wonders how much of the conversation Steve has heard. Steve looks so sad, it breaks Bucky’s heart a little more…

\---

“What’s that about, man?” Sam asks, concerned.

“Nothing, I just… lost my temper a little…” Steve paces in his room. “I have to go and apologize, I…”

“Leave him a minute, Steve…”Sam stops him. “Just let him catch his breath, ok? He needs to accept you have the right to be upset without it being the end of the world…”

Steve stares at Sam. “What? I’m not upset, I’m… I’m… Why doesn’t he trust me, Sam?”

Sam sighs. “I think he does, Steve. At least he wants to. He just doesn’t remember how to. It’s hard to get your brain back on the right track when your own body works against you…”

“What the hell does that even mean? Stop talking shrink to me…” Steve grunts.

“It means he needs time.”

“I gave him all the time he wanted…”

“It’s been less than two months, Steve… He’s been through a lot of shit, you can’t ask him to magically …”

“I’m not asking for anything!” Steve starts squealing. “I just want to help…” He stops because he can hear Bucky shouting from the kitchen. (“I thought I was getting better, but clearly I’m not!”)

“Steve, don’t…” Sam starts, holding on to his arm.

“Let go of me, Sam…” Steve orders. Sam just shakes his head before letting go and Steve runs out of the room. He silently walks to the kitchen, to see Bucky leaning against the sink, eyes closed and Nat standing next to him.

“You know that’s not as terrible as you build it up to be, sweetie…” she says, stroking hair out of Bucky’s face.

Bucky whispers something so softly Steve can’t get it, but then Nat answers “Don’t you think he has the right to? He’s been watching you struggling and he doesn’t know why, Bucky… You can trust him with this…”

“No…I can’t, I can’t, because then…” Bucky sounds so desperate that it makes Steve’s throat tightens. Nat brings her hands up to cup Bucky’s face and force him to look at her.

“Bucky… He will NOT turn into another Brock just because you open up fully to him… Can’t you see? If he was going to turn into a dick, he would have long ago… He’s a good man…” So that’s it? Bucky really thinks so poorly of Steve that he thinks Steve will turn into a …

“What if he hates me, Nat?” Oh… maybe Steve’s not really the problem here. Well… not the only problem... He’s so used to people thinking poorly of him and he sees Bucky as such an amazing person, it never occurred to him that maybe Bucky thinks… That he is the one who isn’t enough.

“He won’t.” Steve loves Natasha so much right now. He doesn’t know what he’s done for her to be so adamant, but he doesn’t care.

“You don’t know… I… I can’t lose him, Nat… I can’t…” Bucky’s voice breaks a little and Steve can’t help himself.

“Bucky?” He hates how his voice shivers. He hates even more the terrified look in Bucky’s eyes. Steve steps in and Nat walks to him and squeezes his hand, silently mouthing “be patient, ok?” She nods before disappearing to Steve’s bedroom. Bucky is staring at the floor, still leaning against the sink. “Bucky… Look at me…” he keeps walking towards Bucky, until they’re only inches apart. “Bucky please…” Bucky only shakes his head. So Steve keeps talking. “Bucky… I’d… I’d never hate you. You hear me?... I’d never…”

“You don’t know me…” Bucky murmurs, still staring at their shoes.

“I know you enough… Bucky… It was war, ok. Whatever happened, it was war. I’d never think ill of you. You did whatever you had to to survive, ok?  You’re here, now… And you’re enough. You are so much more than enough…”

Bucky’s shoulders shivers a little and his head is still down, but Steve can see a tear rolling down his cheek. He just pulls him into his arm and Bucky leans on, drawing Steve even closer.

\---

“I’m going home with you tonight.” Bucky whispers at Nat while Steve’s gone to the bathroom. She just glares at him. “Don’t look at me that way.”

“You’re so not.”

“Make me.”

She cocks an eyebrow. “You really want to go down that road, Barnes?” Bucky puffs and Nats only pats him on the arm. “Deal with that problem, Bucky. Steve is ready to make a step towards you, just help him a little… Help yourself, for once…”

He gives her his darkest look, but she’s immune to it and just makes a face at him in return.

\---

Steve doesn’t know what to do. Bucky has completely closed in on himself during the evening and barely talked to him. Once they’re alone, it gets worse. Bucky jerks away from Steve’s touch and ends up curled up in a ball at the far end of the bed. Steve tosses and turns for hours, trying to figure out what to do. He thought… he thought he set things right back in the kitchen. He thought wrong, apparently.

He doesn’t think Bucket gets much sleep either.

\----

“Come on, Buck, out of bed…” Steve softly says. He doesn’t touch him. He doesn’t think he could take another rejection. Bucky groans in his pillow but doesn’t move an inch. “Bucky… I’ll make you if I have to…”

Bucky opens an eye and mumbles “I’d like to see you try…”

“Nat gave me some of her secrets, Bucky… Don’t tempt me.” Steve flatly declares and Bucky opens both eyes and glares at him.

“I hate you both.”

I hope you don’t, Steve thinks. “Come on, we’re going somewhere…”

“Where?”

“You’ll see…” Steve knows his voice isn’t as stable as he wishes it to be, and Bucky hears it too, because he doesn’t protest anymore and just silently goes to the bathroom to take a shower and get dressed.

Steve waits in the kitchen, trying not to freak out and not to think too much about what he’s going to do. He never took anyone there. It’s his place. Even Sam doesn’t come with him. He did at the beginning. But not anymore.

But he guesses if he wants Bucky to trust him, Steve has to show him he trusts Bucky too… And that… That’s Steve’s deepest wound. The one thing Steve doesn’t trust anyone with.


	16. Just tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, we were beta-ing the first chapters...  
> I'd like to thank theoneandonlyquirkygeek (tumblr) and shinylady1122 Thank you so much, ladies, you've helped (and still are) so much!!!  
> (we are still working on it tho, so expect some changes here and there...)

Bucky blankly notices that it’s the first time Steve is driving him anywhere. It was always the other way around so far. It seems important to him, so Bucky just went with it. They stopped to buy a bouquet of flowers. Now he wishes he was miles away right now. They are at a cemetery.

Bucky does not do cemeteries. He’s had to bury too many of his… He doesn’t want to think about it. But Steve grabs his hand, and Bucky follows. To a tomb next to a weeping willow. A gorgeous place, Bucky thinks… If there wasn’t a tombstone right in front of him. Steve lets go of his hand and goes sit next to it.

It takes Bucky a minute for the epitaph to mean anything to him. “Here lies Sarah Rogers. Beloved mother and faithful friend. Loving memories last forever.” That’s… Steve’s mother. Steve brought him to his mother’s grave. Bucky feels like something is crushing his heart. He just stands there, still and silent, watching Steve lovingly laying down the bouquet in front of the headstone.

“Hi Mom. I know it’s not my usual day, but there’s someone I wanted you to meet…” Steve’s voice is soft and Bucky can barely hear it above the wind in the willow’s branches. He doesn’t move, completely petrified. “I already told you everything about him, so…”

Silence lingers between them, and Bucky feels a lump in his throat. He clears it as discreetly as he can.

“You… you come here often?” he asks, feeling like an intruder. Steve doesn’t even look his way, drawing the letters of the epitaph with the tips of his fingers.

“Every week. I just…” Steve sighs. “You know, Buck… I kind of lied to you. It wasn’t that quick. It went too fast, but I saw her… I saw her disappearing. Under the pain, and the drugs, and… she faded away.” Bucky can’t see Steve’s face, but he can tell he’s crying, just by the sound of his voice and the way he holds himself, so stiff and tensed. “She was my only parent, Buck. My best friend. The only one who understood me. Who loved me fully, the way I was. She never expected me to do anything I couldn’t. I told her everything, everything I had on my heart.” Steve sobs, landing his forehead against the cold stone. Bucky doesn’t know if he should take him in his arms or leave him alone. He’s lost. And Steve keeps going. “And when she got sick… I tried to be there for her. I worked as much as I could to pay for the medical bills. I stopped school to be there for her. Sam has been helping, too. And I tried… I tried so hard, Bucky… Why did she have to die? I did _everything_ … everything I could… and I failed her. I failed her and I ended up alone.” Steve sniffs. Bucky finally shakes himself and steps forward, squatting down next to Steve.

“You didn’t… You couldn’t… There’s nothing you could’ve done, Stevie…” he has to fight back his own tears while talking. Steve turns toward him and throws his arms around Bucky’s neck, his sobs more and more violent.

“I should have… I should’ve, Buck… She was my mom, and I couldn’t save her…”

“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, Steve…”

“I felt so alone ever since, you know. She was the only person who knew everything. The only one. Because Sam… he… I hate when he goes all shrink on me, so there’re things I just… keep for myself…” Steve mumbles against his skin. “But you… I feel like I can tell you everything and it would still be fine… You’ll still be here… And I can’t… I can’t go back to a time when I didn’t have you… I can’t…” He sobs again.

“Shhhh….” Bucky kisses Steve’s head, his hand stroking Steve’s back gently.

“Please don’t… don’t leave me too, Bucky. I’ll do whatever you want, I’ll never have to know anything if you don’t want me too… Just… Please…” Steve breaks down, his whole body shaking under the violence of his cries. “Don’t leave me, Buck, don’t…” Bucky holds him closer, but his throat is too tight for him to answer.

And he’s not sure anymore that he can give Steve the answer he wants.

\----

“What are you so scared of, James?” As usual, Sam’s unshakable calmness helps Bucky to keep cool. Bucky is staring at his own hands. The right one is shaking, and he clenches it into a fist to stop it. He hates his weakness.

Strangely, the fact that they became friends within the last couple of months had actually helped Bucky opening up, instead of making things more difficult, as Bucky feared. Sam knows everything. Well, he knew about the war part, but now Bucky also told him about the Brock issues. Only slightly breaking down in the process. But Sam helped. With all the anxiety Bucky feels ninety percent of the time whenever he thinks about how he might screw up things with Steve. With his fears. His nightmares. So Bucky forces himself to tell Sam the truth. After a stifled groan of frustration.

“I’m no good for him…” Sam doesn’t answer. Bucky looks up and Sam is staring at him, waiting for more. “I can’t give him what he needs…”

Bucky can see Sam holding back a sight. Because they’ve had this conversation a thousand times already. Bucky can’t blame Sam for being tired of his shit…

“Don’t you think he’s grown up enough to decide that by himself?”

“He doesn’t _know_ … I’m going to hurt him, I’m going to… Don’t look at me that way, Sam… You have no idea, I’m… I’m…”

Bucky feels a strong pressure on his chest and he stops talking. He just clams up and stares ahead, thinking about what he was about to say. ‘I’m bad for him. I can’t give him what he needs, I’m only hurting him.’ He can’t stand that idea. He feels like there are bugs crawling under his skin, he wants to puke.

Sam is speaking, but Bucky can’t hear. He ends up standing and running away, tracked by Sam’s voice calling his name. He only stops running when his breath is so short it feels he’s going to pass out. He finds himself an empty dead end and leans against the wall. He does vomit after all. The bitter taste stays in his mouth when he straightens his back.

Steve will always want more. More than Bucky can give him. Bucky realizes he just can’t make Steve happy. There’s not enough left of him for that. He can mourn forever on the part of himself he left in Iraq. It’s not only the arm. He lost his soul back there. His strength. His bravery. Nothing can make him whole again. He can’t be what he wants to be for Steve. What Steve deserves. The realization takes hold of his heart like a frozen claw.

He needs to stop being selfish. He needs to set Steve free.

\---

“Is it my fault, Sam?” Steve bluntly asks. Bucky didn’t come back to Steve’s flat after the appointment with Sam, and he doesn’t answer his phone. So Steve is really starting to freak out.

He could _see_ … He _knows_ Bucky care about what Steve told him, back in the cemetery. It just looked like… Like Bucky just couldn’t let himself say anything. And Sam didn’t tell him what happened, just that Bucky ran away before the end of the meeting.

“Have you been too straight forward? Maybe…” Sam answers. “But I’ve made the same mistake.” He adds quickly, seeing Steve’s shoulders falls. “I don’t know what is going on in his head right now, but he’s relapsing. It happens, just let him get some time to figure out things. He’ll come back. He always has…”

“So it’s not the first time?” Steve can’t help asking.

“Of course not.” Sam shrugs lightly, but Steve can see his friend is just as concerned as he is. “Recovery isn’t a straight line…”

Steve nods. He doesn’t really know what to think about all this. More so, he doesn’t know what to do. He just wants to help Bucky; so much so, the feeling is nearly hurtful. He has to be there for his boyfriend. Whatever Bucky needs from him…

Steve jumps a little when his phone buzzes in his pocket. He fishes it out with shaking hands.

**Bucky : Sorry for the silence. Need some time alone. Sorry.**

Steve closes his eyes to fight back tears, and only starts typing and answer when his hands are steady enough.

**Steve: whatever you need. I’m here for you, whenever. I love you, Buck.**

Steve keeps staring at the screen long after it goes off, waiting for an answer that won’t come.

\----

Bucky manages to avoid everyone for the most part of the following week. Nat is out of town up to Thursday, so he’s safe in their flat. She does harass him a little, but he just ignores her calls – knowing he will regret it at some point. He calls in sick – it’s the first time since he started this job, so no one asks for anything. He only had to push Sam away once for the guy to leave him in peace. And Steve…

Steve keeps sending him messages, but he doesn’t ask for anything. Just tells him he loves Bucky and that he’s always there for him. Bucky tries to ignore those messages. They aren’t helping. He wants to be able to push Steve away. To make him understand how better everything would be for him without Bucky in his life. How Bucky is only making everything more difficult, complicated. He can’t do that, not when all he wants is to curl up in Steve’s arms and stay there for the rest of his life.

So it’s Thursday. He thinks. He lost count of the days at one point. He’s waiting for a pizza he knows he probably won’t be able to eat anyway when the door bells. That’s why Bucky thinks nothing more of it and simply opens the door. And ends up face to face with Steve.

He blankly wonders how bad he looks when he sees the worry eating Steve’s eyes. Steve is shaking and his lips are nearly blue. Bucky doesn’t even realize what’s happening before he pulls his boyfriend in with and angry, muttered, “You are going to catch death, for fuck’s sake…”

“B… Buck…cky…. Are y…you…o..o…ok?” Steve stutters, his teeth chattering. Bucky stares at him, stunned.  He just pushes Steve into the living room, takes out his wet coat and cover him in the biggest blanket he can find.

“’m gonna make some tea to warm you up…” he mutters before disappearing in the kitchen. He tries to shield himself away from any feelings as he waits for the water to boil.

“Buck…” Bucky nearly jumps out of his own skin. Steve is standing in the doorway, still wrapped in the blanket. He’s not shaking as bad as he was minutes ago. “How are you?” He sounds so concerned… Bucky closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.

“I’m fine, Steve.” He grabs the kettle and prepares two cups of tea. “What are you even doing here?” He doesn’t mean to sound that aggressive. He really doesn’t. But that’s the only way he can keep the feelings away. And it doesn’t matter if Steve’s little step back and hurtful look shatter his heart.

“I’m… I’m worried…” Steve whispers, with tears in his eyes.

\---

Bucky looks awful. His hair is all tangled and dirty, his stumble looks more and more like a beard. Still, it can’t hide the fact that he looks like he’s lost too much weight too fast. There are dark circles under his eyes, and Steve knows what that means – nightmares and short nights.  Steve can’t believe it’s only been five days since their last meeting. That six days ago, everything was fine.

Bucky doesn’t really react at first, then pulls him in, looking upset. Steve lets him take out his coat and wrap him in a blanket. He revels every time Bucky’s hands brushes him. But Bucky soon flees to the kitchen. Leaving Steve alone in the living room, wondering what to do now. Steve ends up walking to the kitchen too. He doesn’t mean to scare Bucky, but his boyfriend still startles when he calls his name.

“How are you?” he tries to sound casual, but he knows he failed miserably.

“I’m fine, Steve.” Steve doesn’t believe a word of it. “What are you even doing here?” The question is harsh, dry, and Steve feels like he’s been slapped.

‘I’m… I’m worried…” he whispers, hating the feeling of his watering eyes. He lowers his head and walks back to the living room. He knows Bucky is right behind him. He can feel him. So close. So far. Steve sits back on the couch, staring at his hands.

Bucky puts the two cups down on the coffee table and sits as far away from Steve as possible. They both remain silent, but for the first time, it’s not a comfortable, companionable silence. It’s tensed. Full of unspoken truths.

“Is it me?” Steve forces his voice out. “Is it something I did?” he keeps going when Bucky refuses to even look at him. “I’m sorry, Bucky. I’m so sorry. I swear I won’t do it again… Just tell me, and I promise…”

“Steve, stop that, just… stop!” Bucky hides his head in his hands with a heavy sigh. “It’s not you… It’s not you… It’s me.” Steve can hear the tears in Bucky’s voice. But he doesn’t understand. Bucky didn’t do anything, he just… he didn’t…

“What are you talking about?”

“I…I…” Bucky looks everywhere but at Steve’s, apparently struggling to explain himself. Steve wants so much to just hug him tight and tell him everything will be all right, but he’s not sure it’s the best way to go. Bucky ends up standing up with a frustrated groan, and the moment passes.

\----

Bucky hates to hear Steve thinks it’s his fault. Like… Steve has been so amazing, how can he believe…

“Steve, stop that, just… stop! It’s not you… It’s not you… It’s me.” He hides his face, because it’s ripping him apart to admit this.

“What are you talking about?” Steve asks, and Bucky can tell he doesn’t understand. _How_ can he not understand? Doesn’t he see?

“I…I…” Bucky stutters, his eyes roaming on the room without really seeing it. It feels like something is boiling in his chest and the feeling gets more and more uncomfortable. He just stands up, flustered, and he walks to the window. He puts his forehead against the cold glass and stare at the lights in the street. “I don’t know… I don’t know anymore…”

He doesn’t hear Steve moving, but he must have. Because suddenly, his thin arms wrap around Bucky’s waist and Bucky can feel his warmth against his own back. He can help but stiffening, but Steve doesn’t let go.

“It’s all right, Buck. It’s ok, not knowing. I’m here…” Steve whispers against Bucky’s skin.

“You shouldn’t be,” Bucky mutters in response.

“As if you could make me change my mind…” Bucky can’t help puffing. That’s right. He can’t. That is precisely why he has to take action about it.

\---

Bucky is so stiff in his arms, Steve feels like he’s holding a terrified wild animal…

“I love you, Buck. So much I don’t know how to show you…” Bucky gets even more tensed. “Please don’t push me away. I need you… I need you so much… I…” Steve hates how his voice can’t stay steady. But he can feel Bucky gradually limbering in his arms, so he keeps talking. “We should… We should have a safe word or something. When I go too far, you know?  And when you use it, we stop talking and I don’t ask any question…”  Bucky still doesn’t answer but Steve feels him sobbing silently. He peppers Bucky’s neck and shoulders with light kisses and adds, “Whatever you need, Buck. I’ll give you whatever you need, ok? Just… Just tell me…”

Bucky finally turns around and hunches so he can hide his face in the crook of Steve’s neck. Steve just holds him tighter and keeps whispering in his ear.

When the pizza arrives, Bucky is once again seated on the couch, and he has a thousand-yard stare that just scares Steve so much. He goes and pays the deliveryman. He knows neither Bucky nor himself will eat anything right now. But it’s alright. They are both here together…

Are they?

\---

Bucky’s so fucking weak. He knows what he has to do, but hearing Steve telling him he needs him… Bucky believed him. Just for a second, Bucky believed it. And he forgot that he’s not good for Steve. He just needs Steve’s warmth, like he needs air. He has to find strength to end this before hell breaks loose.

Right now, he can barely register what’s happening around him. It’s just so hard to focus…He knows the feeling, mind you. He was very intimate with the feeling, for months. It’s just been so long, he forgot. But right now, it’s easier. Easier than dealing with things. With Steve. With everything that is boiling inside his head, and inside his chest, and that makes him feel like he’s drowning.

He’s not sure how it happens, but they are lying in his bed. Bucky has his prosthesis off, and Steve is stuck against his back, holding him in his arms and drawing soothing circles on his skin. Bucky can’t help but feeling his body relaxing more and more. Against his will. Because his body knows he belongs there. He belongs in Steve’s arms. But he can’t be there.

Just tonight. Just tonight.

\---

He needs to protect Steve. There’s also Nat, but there’s so much blood, he’s not sure he can help her anymore. Sam is gone for good. The angle of his neck is screaming it right at Bucky’s face. But Steve… Steve is still moving. Steve he can save. He has to. So he just tightens his grip on the soldier’s throat. He can’t see his face, but it doesn’t matter. He stands between Bucky and Steve. He has to go. He has to…

“B… Buck…” Steve calls him. He needs him. Bucky has to help him…

The soldier is getting weak. He hits him in the arm, on the shoulder, but the blows have no strength. Bucky puts all his weight in his hand, and…

He gets tackled and hits a wall, hard enough to wake him up. He blinks a couple of time, both because he needs to figure out where he is and because there’s sweat going down in his eyes.

Nat – what is Nat doing here? Nat is dying… No, no… Nat was out of town? But now she’s here…  hunched over a small huddled silhouette on the ground. And Bucky only needs to hear a second of the laborious breathing to know this is Steve.

Is he having an asthma attack? What is…

Then it clicks. It was a nightmare. But he can still feel the flesh under his hand. Bucky stares down at it in horror. Nat is asking something, but he can’t hear her, there’s a whistle in his ears and…

“BUCKY!” His head snaps back up. “Inhaler?” Nat orders, her voice hard as steel.

His brain can’t process what he’s asked. But a particularly raspy, strenuous breathing sound finally makes him come back to his sense.

“Drawer…” he whispers. “I didn’t… I…”

“Bucky… We both know it, but right now, we need to take care of Steve…”

Bucky looks at Nat while she helps Steve taking his medicine. He blankly notices the bruises already blooming on the fair skin on Steve’s neck. The short, painstaking movements of his chest. His watery eyes staring at Bucky, but Bucky can’t look back, he just…

He makes up his mind. He’ll never forgive himself for having let things go that far. He knew he was dangerous. That’s why Brock was handling him the way he did. And Steve… Steve is so fragile. Next time Bucky will kill him. So now. Now he has to make sure there’ll be no next time. That’s the push he needed.

He stands up, ignoring Nat calling his name, and runs away in the cold night.


	17. Wait for me to come home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware of a very uncomfortable confrontation at the end of the chapter, please avoid if abuse is a trigger for you!!
> 
> In other news, I'm now unemployed, so I'll probably have a LOT more time to write... Let's see the bright side, yeah?

Steve stares at the empty stage, blankly noticing Mr. Barton on the phone next to it, looking upset. Steve fishes his own phone out of his pocket.

**Steve: any news?**

It barely takes ten seconds before he gets an answer.

**Natasha: No. But he came back to take some of his stuffs while I was at work.**

Steve stares at his screen. Bucky doesn’t answer his calls, doesn’t answer his messages, and Steve has felt panic rising all day long. Bucky left yesterday night while Nat was taking care of Steve…. who is lucky Nat came home earlier, because he was close to fainting when she stepped in… And it took him the good part of an hour to breathe back normally.

Steve brings his fingers up to touch the sensitive skin on his neck and he can’t help a little wince. He hides the bruises with a scarf, and they look worse than they feel, really. But Steve doesn’t want Bucky to see them. He probably hates himself enough as it is. And it doesn’t matter that Steve isn’t mad at Bucky. Steve knows it was a nightmare, and he knew from the moment Bucky told him about his problems that it could happen. But Steve also knows Bucky probably feels far too guilty to be able to understand that…

The sound of a well-known voice has Steve looking up so quickly he can feel a twinge of pain in his neck again. Bucky’s there, apparently apologizing for being late. He looks even worse than yesterday. Even Mr. Barton looks concerned, but Bucky dismisses anything he tries to say with a vague wave of his hand and a shake of his head.

Steve is staring. Hard. But Bucky doesn’t even look his way. He sets himself at his place, sporting this awful thousand-yard stare Steve starts to hate. It’s like there’s no one in Bucky’s body anymore. It’s just an empty shell, and it’s breaking Steve’s heart.

But he knows he can’t go and confront Bucky right now. Not in front of everyone. Especially after, as usual, Steve brings him a cup of coffee and Bucky doesn’t even look his way when he tries talking to him and just barely grumbles a thanks. It has to wait after class.

So right now, Steve tries to get _his_ Bucky back to life, with his brushes and his paints. He tries to ignore the fear eating him, the fact that he might not be able to get things right this time. That he pushed Bucky too far, and now there’s no coming back. He puts all his love and his fears in the painting. Caresses the canvas with the same thoughtfulness and the same fervor he does with Bucky’s skin.

Ten minutes before Mr. Barton calls the end, Steve decides he can’t do any better. So he just cleans his equipment, trying to find courage for what is going to happen. He has a quick discussion with Mr. Barton, who tells him how pleased he is with Steve’s work. But it barely makes him happy right now. So he blankly thanks his teacher and he just goes out and waits for Bucky.

\----

Bucky feels like he can’t really breathe, he feels like there’s a huge weight on his chest. He tries not to look anywhere near Steve, but it’s so hard. He catches himself a couple of time before his eyes really falls on his… Is Steve still his boyfriend after what happened? Does Bucky has any right at all to call him that after doing what he’s done?

It’s even worse when Steve softly puts a cup of coffee on the table near him and whispers “Buck… please, look at me… I’m… We need…” Bucky closes his eyes. He can’t take the concern in Steve’s voice, so he’s damn sure not going to look at him. He mumbles a hoarse “thanks” and feels his heart shattering with Steve’s sigh. But Steve leaves him alone. Bucky hopes he keeps leaving him alone, because Bucky doesn’t know if he’ll have the strength to do what he has to do.

But he should have known better.

Of course, he notices Steve leaving ten minutes earlier, and Bucky thinks that this is it. He finally made Steve run away. Like he always knew he would.  So when the class is over, Bucky gets himself dressed, then Mr. Barton pays him his final wage and thanks him. He tries to make sure Bucky doesn’t need any help, and Bucky does his best not to snap at him. He knows he looks like crap and Mr. Barton only wants to help. So he just reassures him, telling him it’s just a bad day and that they happen sometimes. When Bucky finally walks to his car, he’s so sure Steve is long gone, he guess he just lets his guard down.

So he probably jumps a mile back when Steve’s angry voice breaks the silence.

“How long are you going to ignore me?”

Bucky leans against his car and tries to get his heartbeat under control. He still avoids looking at Steve, but mutters “I’m so sorry, Stevie”, while looking at the ground.

“Look at me when I’m talking to you!” Steve is close enough to frame Bucky’s face with his hands and force his head up. “I am _not_ mad about what happened yesterday. I knew it could happen. We talked about it, and I _knew_ …”

Bucky frees himself and looks away. “No you didn’t…” Steve opens his mouth to protest but Bucky cuts him. “I can’t take the risk… See… I love you too much and I… I can’t accept the idea that it could happen again. I just won’t…”

“Wh… What are you saying?”

Bucky finally looks at Steve. His eyes are shining with tears and he looks so… unbelieving. So Bucky can’t help himself and lightly strokes Steve’s cheek with his thumb.

“I’m sorry…”

Steve slaps his hand away.

“What about what _I_ want? Uh, Buck? What about the risk that _I_ am willing to take? Because, see… The thing is… I too love you too much! I …”

Steve stops when Bucky’s fingers grab the edge of his scarf and pulls it down. Bucky gasps a little when he sees the violent purple of the bruises on Steve’s neck. He brushes over them lightly, and he hates how it makes Steve wince. Even worse when Bucky realizes Steve is probably hiding how much it hurts. His eyes fill with tears he tries desperately to blink away.

“And _that_ is exactly why you will be better off without me!” Bucky gets mad and can’t help his voice raising. “Don’t you see? I am bad for you… You just need… You need to get rid of me and if you won’t do it, then I’ll do it for you! I can’t…”

He shakes his head and steps back.

“What do you mean?” Steve implores him, crying.

“I’m sorry Steve, but this is the end of the line for us. I love you too much to be the one who kills you.”

He just turns away and gets in his car. Locks it, starts it and drives away, trying not to look at the lonely figure still standing in the middle of the parking.

He stops a couple of miles away, when there are so much tears in his eyes he can’t even see the road anymore…

\-----

Steve hears the door unlocking but he can’t really control his body enough anymore to turn around. He’s just swimming in a very welcome fog right now. So he just wave his hand – the one still holding the vodka bottle – at Sam and Nat when they call his name. Then proceed to drink directly from it. Again.

He probably didn’t drink that much… He’s not good at holding his alcohol. But yeah… It makes him numb and that’s all he wants right now.

“Aw, man, what are you doing?” Sam crouches next to him – since when is he siting directly on the floor? – and tries to take the bottle away.

But Steve just holds it closer to his body and mumbles “That’s mine…” Well… He thinks that’s what he says, but he’s not sure about how it goes out… Probably sounded more like “th’smn”, but whatever…

Nat crouches on Steve’s other side and shoots him a “mom disapproving look”, but Steve is too far gone to care. And he just takes a couple more gulps right under her nose, before she snatches the bottle away from him. He whines at the loss but Sam hauls him up and force him to sit on the couch.

“Are you trying to kill yourself, pal?” he asks softly, and Steve can feel his fresh hand on his forehead. It feels so good he just closes his eyes and leans forward.

“Hmm…” Steve manages to mumble. He knows that’s not really an answer, so he stammers “He dumped me…” before – very unexpectedly – bursting into tears. He hides his face in his hands and tries to curl up into a ball, but Nat forces herself in his arms, her own arms slithering around his waist; and he can feel Sam stroking his back soothingly. Steve doesn’t understand their murmurs above his cries, but they somehow help him relax.

They stay that way until Steve exhausts himself, his sobs turning into gasps. He limbers in Nat’s embrace and feels himself drifting away. He doesn’t fight it. Maybe that way he will forget. Just for a moment.

\---

Bucky stares at his phone screen.

[40 missed calls]

[25 voice messages]

[75 unread messages]

He takes a look around before unlocking his phone. He doesn’t listen nor read any of the messages, but just stares at his background picture. A picture Steve took of them cuddling. Bucky loves that photo, because Steve has this gorgeous smile on his face, the one that lightens his whole face. And Bucky… He looks peaceful, and happy, his nose nuzzled in the crook of Steve’s neck. So he stares. Because he misses this, and it feels like a hole in his chest. It doesn’t matter that he knows it’s for the best, it still hurts.

He jumps when his phone starts buzzing in his hand. Steve is calling again. It was Natasha just half an hour ago. Or maybe it was longer, Bucky doesn’t have a good hold on time these days. He stares at the contact pic while his phone keeps buzzing. Still the same picture since day one. Steve is smiling at him, with a black eye and a thumb up. The call is sent to the answering machine and the screen is back to the picture of the two of them.

Bucky wishes they’d stop calling. It only makes it harder for him. Makes him miss them even more. The screen finally goes black and his hand tightens around the phone. Bucky has to take a deep breath not to throw it against the wall. He’s been living in the shelter for nearly a week, after a couple of days in the street. So far, he manages to hold himself to his decision. Stay out of his life.

Skye is watching him from the corner of her eyes. She’s been there since the very first time Bucky stumbled into that shelter, helping with anything she can, and delivering food and blankets. She’s not the kind of person who would push Bucky to his limits, but even from here, he can see she’s concerned. Bucky doesn’t talk much when he’s here – he comes when he has a bad time, because here, no one cares how broken he is. No one bothers him if he spends the day staring at a wall. No one is angry when he doesn’t want to eat.  They just leave him alone, and he even has a bed he can pretend to sleep in. At least he’s sheltered from the rain.

Bucky squirms under Skye’s inquisitive look and ends up turning his phone on again to have something to look at. He switches from picture to picture, ignoring the pain in his heart. After a while, Bucky finally hears the music – there’s always music playing here, and he usually finds it soothing. But not now…Now… He wonders if that’s all a bad joke, but he still can’t stop the tears from filling up his eyes.

_Loving can hurt_

_Loving can hurt sometimes_

_But it's the only thing that I know._

 

Bucky stops scrolling through the pictures and his breath gets a little caught up.

_When it gets hard_

_You know it can get hard sometimes_

_It is the only thing that makes us feel alive_

He can’t… He doesn’t want to think about this. He needs some fresh air, he needs… He needs to forget.

_We keep this love in a photograph_

_We made these memories for ourselves_

_Where our eyes are never closing_

_Hearts are never broken_

_Times forever frozen still_

Bucky stands up brutally and storms out, trying to ignore the song that seems to follow him even once he’s out of the shelter.

_So you can keep me_

_Inside the pocket_

_Of your ripped jeans_

_Holdin' me closer_

_'Til our eyes meet_

_You won't ever be alone_

_Wait for me to come home_

\-----

He stumbles out of the bar. He knows he drank too much, but it makes him feel numb and it’s so good… So good right now…

He trips against someone and manages to miraculously stop both their fall.

“Aw, sorry man, I…” he grumbles before the guy he ran into turns around. He stops dead in his sentence.

“Hey, Bucky Bear! What an unpleasant surprise…” Brock snaps, with his usual venomous voice.

Bucky sobers up at the second. The mere sound of Brock’s voice sends a shiver of disgust down Bucky’s spine. Bucky takes his hands off Brock as if he’s just touched a venomous animal.

“Don’t call me that” he mumbles, stepping back. Brock just smiles and looks at him up and down, slowly, calculating. Bucky steps back again, feeling like a trapped animal.

“Looking as shitty as when I left you…” Brock spits, stepping towards Bucky. “Are you even able to do anything of yourself without being assisted?”

Bucky swallows hard, trying to stamp out the panic he can feel rising. “You don’t know anything I…”

“Yeah right”, Brock stops him, not caring one bit about whatever Bucky wants to say. As usual, Bucky blankly thinks. Brock takes one more step toward him, looking like a predator chasing for its prey. They are far too close in Bucky’s opinion, but he has his back against a wall and he doesn’t want to look like he’s running away, so he stands his ground. Brock is smaller than Bucky is, but somehow he always made Bucky feel helpless… powerless… Brock grabs Bucky’s chin and forces him to look at him in the eyes. “Now your defense dog isn’t here to protect you anymore, what will you do, _Bucky Bear_?” Disdain is dribbling from his voice.

Bucky pushes his hand away from his face. “Don’t fucking touch me, Brock!”

Brock laughs right at his face and cocks his head “Oh, or what?” he comes so close that their bodies are pressed against one another, and Bucky has nowhere he can go, and he feels like he’s going to puke, he needs… Brock grabs his crotch, and Bucky can’t think anymore. “Don’t you miss us sometimes, Bucky Bear?.... We had a nice time together…” Brock rubs his hand on the front of Bucky’s jeans, totally ignoring Bucky’s lack of reaction. “I was good for you, Bucky Bear… So good… I took care of you like no one will ever be able to… You’re so hard to handle, I did good, didn’t I…” He mouths against Bucky’s jawline, leaving a wet trail that makes Bucky shiver again. “You know you’ll never find any better than what I offered you…”

Bucky’s mind gets back on track, and without thinking, he just pushes Brock away as hard as he can. The other man lands on his ass while Bucky hisses “You’ve never been so wrong, asshole!”

A flash of rage crosses Brock’s face. Bucky wonders how he could ever found him attractive. How blind, how desperate was he? Bucky is shaking with adrenaline and fear and anger and just stands there, looking at Brock getting back on his feet.

“Oh really?... And where is he then?... That fabulous man of yours?...” he mocks Bucky. “Did you start ruining him too? Just like you did with me? How broken are you going to leave _him_?” Brock is talking louder and louder, and Bucky knows how angry he is, even if he holds himself together – for now. “Do you even _see_ what you’re doing? You _destroy_ everyone you come close to… Except for that red-haired bitch, but I’m not even sure she’s human… That’s the only way anyone could ever withstand you… You will turn him into something he will _hate_ for the rest of his life… Like you did to me, Bucky Bear…”

Bucky stares at Brock in horror, gasping for air. “No… You’re wrong… you’re…”

“You shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near people, Barnes… You can do nothing but kill them. That’s all you’ve ever been good for, and that’s all you can ever do.”

Bucky stumbles back, shaking his head. Brock is voicing what Bucky has always thought was the truth about him. But hearing it out loud… It hurts in ways he’s never imagined.

So he does the only thing he can right now.

He runs away.


	18. The best thing that ever happened

Steve isn’t quite sure what to do with himself right now. People are running around him and all he manages to do is stand up there, struggling with his tie to make a correct knot. His hands are shaking so bad, it’s a miracle he hasn’t torn it already.

The only thing that gets him going is the fact that both Sam and Nat are going to be there and they just won’t let him break down. Won’t let him run away, won’t let him give up on everything he has. He can’t believe it’s already been three weeks and Bucky still hasn’t answer any of the calls or text messages Steve can’t help sending at least ten times a day. Steve is beyond panic now. It’s like… Sometimes he thinks he hears Bucky’s voice, or sees him in the street, but when he turns around… When he turns around, Bucky’s not there. He never is. He’s gone, and Steve feels like he took a piece of Steve with him. And it’s Steve fault. If only he had been stronger. If he had stopped Bucky… If he had been more…

Steve nearly jumps out of his skin when he feels cool hands covering his and gently taking hold of his tie. He feels so lonely lately. Cold. Touch-starved. No matter how Sam and Nat try to be there for him. It’s not the same. It can’t be. He looks up, shaking a little, and Wanda gives him a small smile.

“It’s gonna be alright, Steve. Your paintings are amazing, I’m sure everyone will love them.” Wanda says while she easily knot the tie perfectly. He nods a little. The lump in his throat is too big for him to try and talk. He didn’t have time until right now to realize… Tonight is the annual school exhibit, and Steve has the honor of presenting two of his portraits. Which means tonight could make or break his whole future. And even if a part of him can’t manage to fucking care - because what’s the point of a future without Bucky -, there’s also a part of him who freaks out big time. He tries to smile back to his classmate, but he probably fails miserably.

“I’m sorry about what happened with James…” She whispers, and Steve can’t help but tensing. Of course, the whole school probably knows by now… Not the whole story, but enough for Steve not wanting to know or to think about that, not tonight… Wanda finishes his tie knot and gives him a light hug before leaving him with a “It will be fine, you see… Congrats again!” and a smile. He watches her as she joins her brother – Pietro, Steve thinks he remembers her calling him.

 “Steve! What are you doing here?” Mr. Barton calls him from the other end of the corridor, pulling him out of his thoughts. “You have to present your works, come on! The gates open in a few minutes!”

Steve nods and walks through the exhibition. He’s aware his paintings have been granted a place of honor, and he keeps thanking Mr. Barton for that. He nervously runs his hand through his hair while people start flooding the place.  He sees Natasha’s red hair in the crowd and sighs in relief. She comes straight to him and pulls him into a hug.

“I’m proud of you, you little shit!” she whispers. “I knew you would make it!”

“Any news?” he can’t stop himself from asking softly. His heart shrinks a little when he feels her shaking her head against his shoulder.

“He’s nowhere to be found. He knows what he’s doing. I won’t find him unless he lets me. But he will come back. I know he will.” She seems so sure of what she says, but Steve can’t help but doubting. Natasha steps back and squeezes his shoulder, warm and reassuring. Her eyes are set on the two portraits behind Steve and her eyes widened slightly.  “Oh my god, Steve… They are magnificent…” She breathes out. She raises her hand, as if to touch Bucky’s portrait, but stops, barely inches away. “It’s so much like him…” she murmurs and turns to Steve, eyes shining with tears but still with a smile. “He looks so _alive_ … So _peaceful_ …”

Steve thanks her, fighting back tears of his own. He hastily wipes them off before they can flow. She squeezes his shoulder again, before excusing herself and taking a walk through the rest of the exhibit.

Steve doesn’t have to wait too long before someone else wants to talk about the painting, and the hows and whys… Steve may not be at ease with talking with strangers, but it’s his work, and two of the pieces he loves the most, so it makes things a lot easier. He tries not to let himself talk too much, because he doesn’t want to bore anyone. He loses sense of time for a while, greeting people and answering their questions.

“Steven!” He turns around immediately, recognizing Mrs. Carter’s voice with joy. He wasn’t sure she could make it, but her niece has promised to try her best, if she was in a good mood. “My dear boy, I’ve missed you lately!”

Steve is happy, it seems to be a good day for the old lady. Mrs. Carter recognizes him and hugs him while he apologizes for not coming to see her as promised. “I’ve been a little overwhelmed”, he says.

“Of course, of course, Steven. You young people have so many things to do…” She shakes her head and takes a look around her. “That’s an amazing opportunity you have tonight! I am myself very proud to be exhibited here…” she adds with this witty sense of humor Steve loves so much. Somehow Mrs. Carter reminds him of his mother, and it’s a little overwhelming how both happy and sad it makes him. “I didn’t think I still looked so good, you know?” She takes Steve’s arm and walks towards the portraits.

He forces himself to smile. “You are, Mrs. Carter, one of the most beautiful persons I’ve ever had the pleasure to draw…” He’s happy it makes her laugh.

“Oh Steven, you charmer… You know how to talk to a lady, don’t you?” she still smiles fondly. “But I’m afraid your heart belongs to someone else, doesn’t it?” She says in an exaggerated whisper, nodding towards Bucky’s portrait.

Steve curses the blush he can feel creeping up his collar. “I’m… you… I… He…” he stutters, making her laugh once more.

“My dear boy… One should be blind not to feel the love pouring out of this painting.” She taps on his hand lightly. Steve tries to see that from her point of view, but he only sees Buck, and how much he misses him. He already had two persons asking to buy the portrait, and he told them it was already sold.  If that’s the only thing he has left of Bucky, he won’t dispose of it for money. “He’s a lucky lad, your boy. I hope you take good care of each other… You deserve the best, Steven. You are such a pure soul.” She strokes his cheeks tenderly.

Steve feels tears filling his eyes once more. He blinks fast and swallows the lump in his throat. “I’m the lucky one”, he ends up saying. “He’s… He’s amazing.” He adds, looking back at the painting.

“Of course he is. He chose you.” She laughs softly. “Now, Steven, if you could please help me to somewhere with seats, my old legs don’t like me standing for too long, as you know…”

Steve nods and walks her slowly to the closest free seat. He even goes to the bar to get her a cup of tea and stays with her a couple more minutes. As much to please her as to allow him to pull himself together.

\---

Bucky shouldn’t be there. Because, of course, Brock is right. Brock was always right. All along. Bucky only rots every single person he comes close to. Killed his parents. His unit. Turned his friends into strangers. Or worse. He’s just a shell of a human being. He shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near people. He has decided what was next. But somehow, he needs to come here first.

He hopes – and fears at the same time – he won’t see Steve. Bucky just needs… He needs to _see_ what Steve saw in him at first. See what made someone as good as Stevie want to know him more. What made him stick around. Bucky knows being here is stupid, because running away was the best decision he ever took for Steve, but he needs to know. He hopes it’ll help, somehow.

Anyway. He’s drunk. Like… Heavily.  That’s the only way he can find courage in him to do what he has planned. Thank god, no one looks at him twice, he’s just a ghost for them. He’s no one, as he always should’ve been. No one cares if his walk is slightly unsteady, or if he hasn’t taken a shower for days. They are all courting the art critiques and schools that are here to spot the new talents. Steve told him it was the most important night of his life. And Bucky doesn’t want to ruin it, so he’ll just stay as long as it takes for him to get a look at _it_.

Of course, it’s at the far end of the gallery. And of course, there are people standing in front of it. Bucky takes a deep breath. He can’t just scream and push people away. For Steve’s sake, he can’t. So he waits., making himself even less noticeable.

He’s happy to hear that everyone around him thinks Steve’s work is amazing and far above anything else in the gallery. He hopes Steve will get all he always dreamt of before he met Bucky.

And when he can finally take a look at the painting, he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He stands there, gaping. This can’t be right, this… this isn’t him, it can’t be, he’s… not… beautiful? The painting is beautiful, and full of… Of things Bucky never ever imagined anyone could feel about him, and it hurts so much, because he’s not…

He’s still staring at the painting when someone pulls him by the arm to an empty adjacent corridor. He sharply frees it, turns around and opens his mouth to tell whoever touched him to get the fuck away. Words never come out, and his mind goes blank.

Of course, he’s running out of luck….

\---

Steve has to leave Mrs. Carter and her niece as they go see the rest of the exhibit. He takes his time before coming back to his paintings. There’s a crowd around it, and he’d rather wait for it to fan out a little. His eyes scout the crowd absent-mindedly, and he almost misses him. It’s like an electric shock going through his body. How could he not recognize that hoodie, he kept _stealing_ it from Bucky any chance he got, because it felt so comfortable and he loved being surrounded by Bucky’s scent.

Steve silently walks up to the lonely figure. He can’t see Bucky’s face with the hood and the hair hiding his features, but he can see in the tension in his shoulder and the way Bucky can’t really seem to manage staying still, swaying slightly on his feet, that Bucky is _not_ getting any better. He looks like a walking dead.

Bucky lifts his head when people finally clear the path before him. Steve is only a couple of feet away now, and he tenses, because he realizes it’s the first time Bucky will see his work. And he is terrified. He can’t manage to read properly whatever mix of emotions go through Bucky’s face. But now he can see him better, he thinks Bucky looks… transparent. Like his skin is stretched too thin, too pale. He lost weight again, and Steve wonders if he even ate at all in the last weeks. Steve is even more terrified now, because there’s nothing he sees that helps him believe he can save whatever he had with Bucky.

That doesn’t mean he won’t try.

He grabs Bucky’s arm and pulls him into the corridor he knows is hidden near his paintings. Thank god it’s empty. Bucky is staring at him, frozen and looking somehow terrified, and Steve feels like a jerk. He can smell alcohol in Bucky’s breath, and doesn’t really know what to do with that. He tries to gently coerce him into a hug. Bucky finally gives in, and Steve can feel in inhale deeply in the crook of his neck.

“I was scared something happened to you, Buck…” Steve whispers, stroking Bucky’s back slightly. He can feel how tense Bucky’s whole body is, but he can’t think of what to do to help with whatever is eating his boyfriend. “Please come back home…” He begs.

Bucky shakes his head and tears himself out of Steve’s embrace. He sways a little again and take another deep inhale before opening his mouth.

“I am… Sorry.” He says in a slurred speech. “So sorry…” He’s not even looking at Steve while he speaks.

“What are you talking about, Bucky? Look at me… What?...” Steve feels lost, and there’s a creeping feeling of fear because Bucky looks lost, scared but so determined and sad at the same time. “Why are you sorry?”

Bucky grabs Steve’s shoulders surprisingly strongly. “I’m gonna make everything ok… I swear to you, I’ll make it up to you, ok?”

“Bucky, I… I don’t…” Steve doesn’t like what he sees in Bucky’s eyes, even if he can’t point out why.

“You’ll be better off without me, Steve, you will. Everyone loves your work, you gonna have so much success… You ae such an amazing person… You can’t carry a millstone that heavy around your neck, you can’t… I’m gonna ruin you, Stevie, and I can’t… I’ll make sure I don’t ruin you, ok?” Steve opens his mouth but Bucky doesn’t let him talk. He kisses him urgently and Steve goes along with the ride, because he’s missed it so much. “I’m sorry if it hurts at first, but I want you to have your life back, ok? You keep that in mind, Steve. I love you… So fucking much… I can’t let you ruin your life for me…” Bucky lets go of Steve and steps back. “You tell Nat I love her, will you?... I’m sorry… You were the light of my life, you know. The best thing that happened to me… Goodbye, Stevie.” He just turns around and disappears, while Steve tries to understand what just happened.

His heart sinks in his chest when he finally realizes what Bucky meant. “No… no no no no” Steve mutters, turning around in the small corridor. He wants to scream, to roll into a ball, to run away; he ends up slamming his hand against the wall until it hurts too much. He can’t. He can’t let it happen. He rushes out of the corridor and into the crowd, looking for Natasha. Thank god the red-hair is easily spotted and he makes his way to her. She’s with Sam and Mr. Barton, but Steve can’t bring himself to care. He grabs her arm and yanks it.

“Nat, Nat!”

“Hey, St… Are you ok?”

“He was here, he was here and I think he’s going to do something stupid, Nat, I need… Please, Nat, he can’t…”

Somehow Natasha manages to understand what Steve means within the mess of words and sobs he’s uttering.

“Ok, ok…” she tries to soothe him. “When was that?”

“Just minutes ago, Nat, we can’t let him…”

She turns to Sam without letting Steve finish. “Ok, Sam, you need to go to the homeless shelter near my place, that’s where he usually goes when he’s not doing well. I will check a couple of his safe places. Steve, get yourself together! I need you to go to Brooklyn Bridge.” Steve just nods, inhaling deeply and trying not to think why Bucky would want to go to the bridge right now. Natasha turns to Mr. Barton. “Sorry, Clint, we have to…” Steve absent-mindedly notes the fact that Nat and Mr. Barton are on first name basis, but he can’t really care.

“Yes sure, just go… I’ll take care of everything here. If I can be of any help, just ring me, ok?” Mr. Barton waves them away, looking extremely concerned.

They split up on the sidewalk. Steve shivers as the cold wind hits him. He forgot his coat inside, but there’s no time for that. They aren’t that far from Brooklyn Bridge, and with the traffic right now, he’ll be faster by foot. So he just starts running. Faster than he ever thought he could.


	19. I don't want to leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I didn't make you wait too long !! :)  
> On the other hand, I doubt you like me very much once you're done reading :D

Steve’s lungs are burning, but he can’t stop. There’s no time now. So he keeps going. Despite the burn in his chest, the burn in his legs, despite the people looking at him in a weird way. He runs.

\---

Bucky stares at the water underneath his feet. He’s seated on the edge of the safety barriers, and just tries to find it in him to jump. He has to. He has to, because he doesn’t want to do what he did to Brock, not to anyone else. Not to Steve. Never to Steve. He thanks all the gods that the few people walking past him just don’t seem to care about him being here. Just like the cars passing in his back. He’s invisible. He’ll just disappear for good, and it doesn’t matter if no one knows where. He’s toxic. He’s toxic and he can do nothing but hurt the ones he loves if he keeps on. It’s so painful to think about that. At least, the pain will stop soon. His, and everyone eles’s. It’s for them. He’s doing it for them, because his life is nothing but a curse.

His hands tighten around the safety barrier, before relaxing. Yes. He has to do it. He starts leaning forward, his eyes fixed on the starry sky.

“Bucky, don’t!”

The voice makes him jump so hard he almost let go of the barrier. Once his heart rate is back to something more normal, he turns around. He recognized the voice of course, but it still a shock when he sees Steve a few feet away from him. Bucky starts to panic.

“Go away, Steve, you don’t have to see this…”

“Please… Buck, I don’t know … how you feel… right now…” Bucky turns back to the void under his feet and tries to shut Steve out of his mind, but he can’t help noticing how short his breath is, and how the air hisses when going in his lungs. ‘But… You have to hold on… Even if… It’s hard sometimes… I’m here … for you… And … Nat and Sam… too…”

“Steve…” Bucky turns to him again. Steve is incredibly pale, tears running down his cheeks, and he can barely stand up. He leans on the barrier, trying to keep breathing but the sounds he makes are more and more rattling. “Where the fuck is your inhaler?” Bucky snaps angrily. He doesn’t even think about what he’s doing. It takes him a second to land on the other side of the barrier, and even less to get close to Steve. Fear sobers him up quite fast, and he taps Steve’s pockets, trying to find the damn inhaler.

Steve grabs a handful of his hoodie. “”Please… Buck… I… need… you…” he manages saying, between two labored breaths. Bucky is too close to avoid looking in Steve’s eyes, and when he sees the pure terror and grief in it, all his resolve dissolve. He grabs Steve’s shoulders and helps him sit down on the ground.

“Where’s your inhaler, Stevie?” he ask, more gently.

Steve’s eyes are still pleading him, but his breath is so short and rough he can hardly speak.  “In… my coat…” he manages to say, hoarsely. He’s not wearing his coat and Bucky feels panic spreading in his chest. “Please… Stay… with…” Steve’s stopped by a coughing fit that leaves his breathing even worse.

Bucky strokes Steve’s face gently. He can feel tears running down his own cheeks, but they don’t matter right now. “Whatever you want, whatever you want, ok? Just breathe, please, Stevie, breathe for me…”

Steve sobs at that, making it harder to do what Bucky asks.

“Hey! Is your friend ok?” a passer-by asks, concerned.

“Please call 911, please…” Bucky asks, still crying. “He forgot his inhaler, he can’t breathe, please… He has asthma…” Steve tugs lightly at Bucky’s hoodie, making him look back at Steve’s translucent face. Steve makes an awful sound when he breathes, and his lips are slowly turning blue. Bucky feels beyond panic now.

“I’m here baby, I’m right here. I promise, Steve, whatever you want me to do, wherever you want me to be… Just… don’t die, please” He sobs, hugging the frail body softly and stroking the hair out of Steve’s face. “Don’t leave me alone here, please, Steve. I can’t do it without you, I can’t… Just keep breathing, breathe with me ok?”

Bucky tries to take deep breaths and to see if Steve can follow his lead, but he can’t. It’s just getting worse, and Steve’s eyes are losing their focuses on Bucky’s face. “No no no! Steve, look at me! Stevie, don’t do that, please…” But despite Bucky’s plea, Steve’s eyes roll back and Bucky suddenly feel Steve’s whole body relaxing in his arms. His chest barely lifts anymore.

Bucky holds Steve’s closer and rocks back and forth, whispering more pleas Steve’s can’t hear anymore. He wanted Steve to have his life back. He never wanted this. He can’t survive this.

It’s all his fault.

\----

He can feel a cold hand in his, but it’s lifeless and Bucky can’t… he’s not really there anymore. Because he can’t handle this. But of course his mind has decided to torture him a little more, and now he’s stuck back in the warzone. After that bomb went off, there was fog everywhere and his throat was raw from screaming. He couldn’t get up, his whole left side was hurting. Wherever he looked, he saw blood. He remembers every name of every single soldier of his unit. He remembers which ones were so close to the bomb they couldn’t even find enough remaining to send back for their families to bury. He remembers not being able to speak, and no one knowing who he was because his dog tags – the same he’s wearing now – were ripped off with the blast. He was no one, they couldn’t figure out if he was an American soldier or a UN peacekeeper, and he couldn’t understand what they were telling him. He was left with nothing but the pain, and the memories of his men dying. He can’t decide which was worst. The pain lessened a bit, at least.

Being back in a hospital, again, is making Bucky go down an awful road.. He hates hospitals. It sends him back to when he was 16 and trying to process the fact that he was alone in the world now. Or a few years after, trying to accept his failure towards his men. Being the only one that survived is probably the cruelest thing that ever happened to him. He was responsible for his men, and he failed them. The same way he failed his parents, who’d never have gone driving so late if not to pick him up. The same way he failed Steve. Steve, who was so determined to be by his side, no matter how fucked up Bucky is.

He feels someone rushing in the room and taking his face in their hands, but Bucky is too far gone to process who that is. He wants Steve, and he can’t have him, so what’s the point? It’s just…

“Bucky, come back, come on sweetie, look at me?” It’s the voice that hauls him out of his stupor. “Bucky, are you with me?”

“N… Nat?” he stutters while she softly pushes strands away from his face. Bucky manages to utter “He died, Nat... He died in my arms” before bursting into tears.

Nat immediately takes him in her arms and Bucky leans in, still holding the cold hand in his right one.

“Shhh… Sweetie… He’s not dead, he’s alive…” She forces his head up so he looks at her in her eyes. “He’s still alive, Bucky.” She repeats and Bucky shakes his head.

“He died for a while, he did, Nat…” he sobs. “They don’t know how well he’ll recover, they…”

“Calm down, Bucky, it’ll be fine…” Nat tries to convince him. Bucky sees someone else entering the room and taking Steve’s other hand.

“It’s my fault, it’s all…” Bucky starts saying.

“Damn yes it is!” The voice is colder and drier than Bucky ever heard it.

“Sam!” Nat protests, her tone warning.

“What?” Sam answers angrily. “It is! We kept trying to reach him and he didn’t even try! Steve would never be there if Bucky didn’t believe he has to carry the weight of everything on his own fucking shoulders!” Bucky looks up, tears filling his eyes. “ _You_ think you’re the only one in that relationship? Look at him! He’d _die_ for you, and you…” Sam shakes his head, and Bucky feels even worse because he can tell how much Sam is disappointed.

“I won’t…” he exhales softly.

“No you won’t. Because now you got a taste of your own medicine. If he gets out of it ok, next time you think we’d be better off without you, you think about how you _feel_ right now, James. Think about making _him_ go through the same pain. If you think he loves you any less than you him, you gonna have to reconsider. Don’t you ever…”

“Sam, enough!” Nat stops him, her voice now really menacing. “Now is _not_ the time!”

Sam huffs, and sits on the chair on the other side of the bed, refusing to look at any of them, while Nat sits on Bucky’s lap and pulls him in another hug. Bucky takes the time to try and pulls himself together while she strokes her back gently and whisper him that he’s never going to be alone, and that she’s here for him. Bucky finally finds it in him to look past Nat’s shoulder, at Sam. Sam is staring at Steve. Bucky doesn’t want to look the same way, because Steve looks pale as death and has a tube down his throat and it makes Bucky wants to scream and hit something. Instead, he clears his throat.

“’m sorry” he whispers. For a moment, he wonders if Sam even heard him, because he doesn’t react the slightest.

“I’m not the person you should say that to.” Sam ends up muttering, still not looking Bucky’s way.

“Yes, you are. The two of you. You are part of them…” Bucky answers, trying hard not to break into tears again. Sam finally looks up at him, and they look each other square in the eyes. Nat squeezes Bucky’s shoulder gently, and kisses him lightly on the cheek.

Sam finally gives him a small, tensed smile. “I’m sorry too, James. I didn’t mean to snap at you that way. I’ve just been there too many times, that’s all…” He strokes a strand of hair away from Steve’s face. “He forgot his damn inhaler again, didn’t he?” Bucky nods weakly. “I still mean every single word I told you, Bucky. It just came out really wrong, and at the really wrong time. But I mean it. And we will talk about it again.” He says, looking back at Bucky, resolve in his eyes. Bucky only nods again. “Ok. Now go take a shower, you stink!”

Bucky flips Sam the finger as Nat chuckles softly, before kissing his temple.

“You do, a little…” she says mockingly.

“I hate both of you…” Bucky mutters, trying to wipe the tears from his face the best he can. “And I don’t want to leave.”

\----

Nat ended up making a short trip back home and came back with whatever Bucky needs to feel like a human being again.

“Shave that beard too, would you?” she asks playfully. “Always hated you with that…”

“I should keep it just to piss you off!” he answers. He knows he’ll shave it anyway, because he hates it too.

He takes his time under the shower, trying to get rid of all the dirt inside of his own head at the same time he cleans his body. When he emerges from the bathroom, Sam gives him a critical look before uttering “You look like shit, man…”

Nat clicks her tongue at him before standing up to leave the seat to Bucky. “I took you a sandwich, and you are going to eat it.” she commands.

Bucky gives her a small salute with a “Yes ma’am”, which is answer by a light shove to the chair as she passes by. The smell of food makes him dizzy but he forces it down his throat with a sip of water, while Nat watches him carefully. Once he’s done, she claps his shoulder lightly and starts walking to the door.

“I need to call Clint, he was worried…” she explains.

“Who the hell is Clint?” Bucky asks blankly, even if he’s not sure he’s interested in the answer. Steve is still unconscious and the machine helping him to breathe is making noise. Bucky realizes he’s breathing in rhythm. He’s nauseous, and he thinks he ate too much.

“Mr. Barton.” Nat’s tone is even, but now Bucky’s interested and nearly forgets the nausea.

“Since when is Mr. Barton ‘Clint’?” he asks, trying to be playful and probably failing a little, because his voice is still hoarse from disuse and cries.

“And since when do you have his number?” Sam adds.

“Since before I even knew he was Mr. Barton…” Nat still answers with a wink and a smile Bucky knows far too well. He frowns.

“Oh god…” he says, shocked. “He’s one of your _things_ , isn’t he?”

“Barnes, it’s called one-night stands, and to be frank, he did hold for longer than one night… And the things he can do with his…”

“Oh! Too much information!” both Sam and Bucky protest, making Nat leave the room laughing.

\----

Bucky ends up throwing up the sandwich when he wakes up in Nat’s arms after another nightmare.

Steve isn’t showing any sign of waking up.


	20. As long as you want me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy! I lost all my betas, so if you spot mistakes, feel free to tell me!!

Bucky doesn’t let go of Steve’s hand. He never will, as far as he can decide. It’s been nearly 15 hours now, and even if Steve doesn’t have a tube down his throat anymore, he is still wired to a ton of machines and has a mask over his mouth and nose. And he still show no sign of waking up, of any sort. No matter how many times Bucky softly calls his name.

Bucky decided not to sleep after the second nightmare woke him up and sent him in a panic attack that lasted nearly half an hour. If it wasn’t for Nat and Sam, the nurses would have probably sedated him. Bucky has spent a good part of the last two hours talking. Telling Steve about secrets heaving on his chest since forever. Telling him how much Steve enlightened his life. Promising him he would deal with his problems, no matter how long it takes, or how much it will hurt. That he will never leave Steve again unless Steve asks him to.

Nat is fast asleep on the small couch behind him. He knows Sam started roaming in the corridor at some point while Bucky was talking. But he waited for Bucky to stop to come in and sit on the other side of the bed. Bucky shoots him a quick look. Sam looks like shit, but hey, he probably does too, so who is he to talk…?

“James… “ Sam starts saying hesitantly.

“Shoot it, Wilson…” Bucky presses him, his throat hurting after all his talking.

“I think you should see someone else. For your therapy.” Sam adds when Bucky gives him a blank look. “I shouldn’t have let it go that far. It’s not recommended to have close relations with your patients…”

“But…” Bucky feels like he’s suddenly falling. Like the floor just collapsed under his feet. “You can’t just… I _trust_ you!”

Sam takes a deep breath. “Apparently not enough for you to come to me when you started feeling really bad…” he points out. Bucky stares at him, open mouthed and feeling like there’s not enough air in the room. He knows he screwed up, but Sam can’t punish him… He can’t abandon him like that… “Bucky…  Come on, breathe, pal…” Sam stands up and walks around the bed to kneel in front of Bucky. “You can _always_ come and talk to me. Anytime. For real, I’ll always be here. But as a friend. I need you … _You_ need to have someone outside of your life, someone you can talk about literally anything, someone who isn’t _involved_ in your life. I will never turn you down if you need me, I just… I don’t think I’m enough anymore. I care too much about you to be effective.”

Bucky swallows and tries to breathe. “Ok… Ok.” He whispers, trying to come around to the idea. Sam isn’t abandoning him. He is not. There’s a lump in his throat and he can’t swallow it. “I’m sorry…” he adds, though he’s not entirely sure why.

“Don’t be. Becoming your friend has been an amazing thing. I am not sorry.” Sam says with such a conviction Bucky can’t hold back the sob ripping his chest. Sam takes him in a short hug before clapping his back. “I’m still gonna kick your ass for believing we’d be better off without you… Dumbass” There’s no anger in his voice this time, just a hint of sadness that makes Bucky wants to crawl under something and hide forever.

“I thought… It… It seemed… so logical in my head at the time…”

“Yeah, brains are bitches sometimes… But why did you decide to… ” Sam leaves the question unfinished. Bucky knows what he’s asking. What pushed him from thinking about it to actively try to kill himself?

“I…” Bucky hesitates for a second, then decides to tell the truth. “I met Brock. Right before…” Silence lingers for a couple of seconds.

“I really _really_ hope you’re going to have a good reason for that, James.” Bucky jumps a little, even if he knows he shouldn’t be that surprised. Nat’s voice is collected, but Bucky knows, without even looking at her, that her jaw is clenched in rage.

“I just ran into him outside of a bar, Nat…” he quickly says. “I would never have…”

“I don’t trust you with that man, Bucky. He’s far too good at manipulating people, that dick. He could probably make you believe coming back to him was the one and only possible solution you had left…”

Bucky huffs sadly. “He tried. Really hard… And I _did_ nearly believe it…” He turns around, to meet Nat’s piercing eyes.  He feels like she’s reading his mind, staring at him until he starts talking again. “When he saw I wasn’t really interested, he… He told me it would be the best thing to do for everyone. You know… Just to go away… definitely.” It’s almost funny, how suicide was the best option possible yesterday, and now it’s so hard to talk about it.

“Thesonofabitch…” he hears Nat mutter while she sits up. “I’m going to kill him, gonna make him…”

“Nat…” Sam stops her. “James… Why didn’t you call?” he asks kindly.

“I… I…” Bucky tried to think, but it’s all a blur. All he can actually remember clearly is why he left in the first place. “I hurt Steve…” he groans, hiding his face in his hand. “I hurt him, and I thought…”

“James... You can talk to us, ok? There’s no wrong thing to say, just... Get it out, buddy…”

“I thought you all hated me…” Bucky mutters, still hiding his face. He feels so ashamed, because he wasn’t able to control himself, because he hurt one of the most important persons in his world, because he thought so little of his friends…

He feels Nat’s arms slithering around his shoulders from behind.

“We didn’t, Bucky…” She whispers in his ear. “We were scared for you, we were worried, but none of us hated you… You hear me?... _None_ of us…”

“We know how hard you fight, and how hard you try, James…” Sam adds, patting his knee lightly. "It's ok to stumble. We all know it can happen.”

Bucky shakes his head. “He didn’t… I should have… I…”

“Bucky… Steve has spent _hours_ asking me about PTSD and trauma, about how to react if you had approximately anything you could ever go through. Don’t you dare thinking he wasn’t perfectly aware that it could happen! He took the risk, because he wanted to be there for you when it did happen. Don’t undermine that. He knew. And he never once said he was angry at you for it happening. He knows you are trying, and that shit happens sometimes.”

Bucky breathes out, feeling like Sam just lifted another weight he wasn’t aware of from his chest. He just nods, unable to say anything. 

That’s when Steve decides to take a labored, hissing inhale, his eyes opened wide with pure panic and staring at the ceiling.

“Bucky, no!”

\----

It hurts so much to breathe, and Bucky is going to jump from the bridge and Steve can’t get air in his lungs, not matter how hard he tries. It’s an awful feeling, being here but not being able to do anything. He calls for Bucky but his voice is swallowed by the wind and he’s failing. He’s failing again and… He’s losing him, he’s losing him and he’s alone…

“Steve, Steve, come on, buddy… Nat, take James away! ... Steve... Look at me… You can breathe, it’s all right. Bucky’s right here… You made it, Steve. You got him in time… He’s safe, just breathe…”

Steve knows that voice. He tries to look at where it comes from but it’s all blurry, and he realizes there are tears in his eyes. There is an annoying noise, a series of quick beeps that makes his head hurt. There are movements around him and the voice he knows is replaced by one he doesn’t. They put something in his mouth and he can taste something he recognizes, and slowly but surely, he can breathe again.

“B…Bu…” he tries to say. He needs to know. ‘Bucky’s right here’, the first voice has said. Steve can’t believe it, wants to believe it. He needs to see him. He runs a shaky hand on his face, trying to clear his eyes. “Buck… I want…”

There’s a movement on his right side, and he can see a little more clearly now. He can’t really focus enough to see the features, but he would recognize those hair and eyes anywhere. Bucky grabs his hand, looking down.

“You’re here…” Steve exhales, trying to reach for Bucky’s face. He’s shaking so hard, both from the panic and from the sobs he tries to hold back. He lets his hand fall on his chest again. “You’re alive…”

“I’m so sorry, Stevie…” Bucky murmurs so low Steve barely hears him.

The nurse says something, making Bucky look up but Steve doesn’t listen. He’s staring at Bucky, and squeezes his hand. Bucky finally looks at him, and his eyes are filled with tears and guilt. The nurse leaves, and Bucky sits on the chair next to the bed, as close as possible from Steve. Steve hears Nat and Sam saying something about coffee, but he refuses to take his eyes off of Bucky.

“Hold me, please…” Steve mouths. Speaking is too exhausting right now, so he really hopes Bucky understands. Thank god, Bucky leans on and takes Steve in his arms slowly, as if he’s scared to break him. He gently put his head on Steve’s chest and sighs. Steve softly strokes Bucky’s hair, unable to hold back his smile. “You stayed…” he whispers.

Bucky breaks down in sobs. “I’m so sorry…” he sobs in the sheets against Steve’s chest. “I’m sorry, I promised… I promise, Stevie… As long as you want me, I swear…”

\----

Bucky knows he’s not helping, but right now he’s beyond panic. He doesn’t know what to do to help, and Nat pulls him away from the bed. Away from Steve, who is finally awake, but is once more struggling only to breathe. And once more, Bucky can only watch him. He’s powerless, useless…

He feels trapped in his own body, and a part of him knows he has to calm down and to stay here, for Steve. He can’t. He can’t and it makes things even worse. Nat tries to talk him back to the now, but Bucky barely hears her. The only thing that anchors him is the sound of Steve’s breath. ‘Please be fine, please…’ Bucky repeats in his head endlessly.

“B…Bu…” Steve finally catches his breath enough to try and talk, and Bucky feels an amazing warmth spreading from his chest. Nat squeezes his arm, and this time he can hear her whispering “He’s fine, Bucky. You’re both fine, ok?” He nods absent-mindedly, closing his eyes to try not to burst into tears.  “Buck… I want…”

Bucky’s eyes snap open, and he barely realizes he’s moving towards the bed and grabs Steve’s hand in his flesh one. There’s tears running on his cheeks but he can’t really register them. All he can register is Steve looking at him as is he was the most important thing on earth.

“You’re here…” Steve exhales. He looks so pale and exhausted, he can barely move and Bucky wishes he could do something, anything to help him. “You’re alive…”

“I’m so sorry, Stevie…” Bucky can’t hold it back. He wants – he needs – Steve to know it.

Bucky snaps his head up when the nurse asks them not to exhaust Steve too much and let him fall asleep if he needs. In the middle of her speech, however, Bucky feels Steve’s hand squeeze his own and he looks down again. He sits on the chair and tries to get as close to the edge of the bed as he physically can.

“What about we go get a cup of real coffee, Sam?” He hears Nat saying. He shoots her a quick look, hoping it will be enough for her to see how grateful he is. She gives him a quick smile in return, before pulling a protesting Sam out of the room.

Steve is still staring at Bucky as if Bucky was something he treasures above everything else. Bucky can’t really understand how this still can be, but when Steve asks him to hold him, Bucky doesn’t think twice before obeying. He leans over Steve, placing his head on Steve’s chest and taking him in his arms. He can hear Steve’s heart beating, regularly enough to make the panic he still feels slowly fade away. He sighs contently when he feels Steve’s fingers combing his hair.

 “You stayed…” He barely hears Steve say and that little sentence is the last thing that breaks Bucky. He starts to sob into the sheets.

“I’m so sorry… I’m sorry, I promised… I promise, Stevie… As long as you want me, I swear…”

Steve shushes him softly, never stopping to comb Bucky’s hair.

“It’s ok, Buck. I get it. You have no idea how much I get it…” He quietly says. “I’ve been there too, you know. I won’t blame you for thinking about it. Never.” Bucky feels Steve’s chest raise as he takes a deep breath. “Just… Tell me about it next time, please… Please let me try and help you through it if it ever happens again…”

Bucky doesn’t want to think about Steve being in the place Bucky was the day before. It makes him feel sick, and guilty for not being there for Steve at that time.

“I’m sorry, I swear… Anything Steve, I swear…” He will make sure to hold on to that promise. He never wants to feel the way he did these last hours, ever again.

Steve pulls him up. “Come here, jerk, and kiss me properly, would you?”

The kiss tastes of tears and hope, and Bucky revels it like it was their first. Even if they have to break it sooner than he likes, because Steve needs to catch his breath.

\----

When Nat and Sam finally come back from their trip, they find Bucky sprawled on the bed, with Steve laying on top of him, his head on Bucky’s chest.. Both of them are peacefully asleep, tangled with one another. After sharing a happy glance with Sam, Nat makes sure both Bucky and Steve are properly covered with the blanket before taking the chair to go sit next to the couch where Sam settled. They start playing poker, keeping a careful eye on their sleepy friends.


	21. Not tonight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am terribly sorry for the wait, life has been a bitch lately, but one of you sweet readers took the time to comment every chapter of the story and it reboosted me to go at it again. Thank you very much Messerfly!  
> I hope there are still people interested in the story, and if so, that you will enjoy that "transition" chapter...  
> With love,  
> M

“Steve Rogers, from Brooklyn, is the one revelation of this year’s exhibition. His work not only shows an amazing finesse and extraordinary skills, but it also forces the viewer to actually see the persons on the canvas. In all their perfection. In all their imperfections. Remember the name, because I give you my word: we will hear about him again soon.”

  
Sam folds the newspaper with a huge grin on his face. Steve has hidden his face since the middle of the article, and he can feel his skin burning under his cold fingers. He’s probably as red as a tomato right now, and he feels like crying. It’s the third article in just as many newspapers, and they all highlight his work. His work. They all praise his art, his technicality, his way to induce emotions. Steve feels like he’s floating and he’s quite sure the painkillers aren’t to blame this time…

He takes a look at Bucky, who is proudly smiling while staring through the window, and Steve feels like he’s brutally brought back to earth. He hates how Bucky seems not to be entirely with them. It happens a lot since Steve woke up. Steve just feels like there’s a gap between them, and he’s not quite sure how to fill it. Because he only has to call Bucky’s name and Bucky is with him again, smiling tenderly and sadly both at the same time. Bucky just doesn’t let him know how deep the wound - the one Steve can only guess is there - actually goes.

  
“So, Mr ‘Revelation-of-the-year’” Natasha says, pulling Steve out of his train of thoughts. “What’s the plan now?”

Steve buries his face back in his hands. “I don’t knooooow” he whines pathetically, making all three others laugh

“Well…” Nat answers. “Clint says he already has several potential buyers for the two portraits of the exhibition…”

Steve lets his hands fall on his lap and frowns at Nat. “Clint?”

“Mr. Barton…” Sam flatly explains. “Apparently he’s having extracurricular activities with our friend here…” He points at Nat with his chin.

“What?” Steve gapes. Nat only smiles, self-satisfied. “But… Isn’t he … like… married?” Steve is quite sure he heard about a wife, but then again he’s not really the type to be bff with his teacher, so…

“Divorced” she shrugs. “Plus it’s only for fun… Stop trying to change the subject!” she says,  
throwing a cushion at Steve’s face.

Steve can’t help laughing, and he quickly regrets it when it brings a new coughing fit. It burns his lungs with a brand new pain and he can hardly inhale.

Bucky is immediately by his side, stroking his back softly and presenting him a glass of water that Steve takes with a shaking hand.

“Thanks” he whispers, smiling at Bucky despite the tears the pain brought to his eyes.

“Are you sure it’s a good idea you leave hospital today?” Steve can hear the worry in Bucky’s voice and squeezes his boyfriend’s hand in his own.

“If they say so, I trust them. It’s so much better already…”

“Yeah, but…”

“James. He’ll be fine. If they keep him one day more, you’ll see how much of an awful patient he can be…” Sam interrupts him calmly.

“I’ll keep him down if needed…” Bucky flatly answers, but there’s a spike of humor in his eyes and Steve lightly shove him in the ribs.

“I’d like to see you try!” he huffs, -falsely- outraged.

“I’d take you any day, punk…”

“Jerk”

“Enough!” Nat interferes. “I don’t want to know if this is your view on foreplays or your usual ways to have a conversation…”

“Ew, gross!” Sam adds, laughing slightly.

“Go fuck yourselves the both of you…” Bucky grumbles, before laughing too. But Steve can’t help noticing how the laugh doesn’t go up to his eyes. The spark is already gone.

He wants to believe the worst his behind them now. Really. But how could he when Bucky won’t talk to him…

\----

  
He feels like he’s drifting away. It’s so hard to focus… He’s aware enough that he can laugh  
when it’s needed, smile when appropriate…But looking at Steve in the eyes, talking, joking…it’s exhausting.

He’ll keep trying anyway, because he promised.

  
\---

  
Steve looks around him, pleased to be home at last. Bucky’s busy tidying both their stuff into Steve’s room. Nat and Sam are joking around while preparing dinner. It feels safe. Warm. Comfy. Steve snuggles deeper into the cushions, enjoying the feeling of peace. It’s all good.

  
And if he falls asleep before his friends are even done with dinner, no one blames him.

  
\---

  
“You don’t get to tell him”, Bucky whispers, trying not to wake up Steve. “I will. When I’m  
ready, I will.”

  
Sam stares for too long before looking away. Bucky takes a deep breath, not liking the anxiety tightening his chest. He knows he has to explain. He owes it to Steve. But every time he thinks about how, it just sounds so stupid even in his own head, so how could Steve understand it? He will just think of Bucky as weak. Over-dramatic. Over-sensible. Too much to handle. Such a burden. Bucky is terrified Steve will think of him the way Brock does.

  
“You know,” Sam’s voice brings Bucky back to the present with a startled jump. “If you think for one second that he, of all people, isn’t able to understand what you’ve been through, you will have to think again.” Bucky keeps staring at Steve’s sleeping face, so relaxed and beautiful. He knows if he looks up, he’ll cry again, and he’s too exhausted to let it happen. “What do you think happened after Sarah died?”

  
Bucky frowns. Steve does talk about his mother. How amazing she was, how she brought him the little confidence he has in himself. How she loved him despite everything he was. (Bucky hated how Steve said that, as if he himself was some kind of disease. He would always shut Steve up with a kiss until Steve smiled again.) But Steve never said anything about dealing with her death, not ever except when they visit her grave. Bucky didn’t need to hear it’d been hard. He knows. So he never pushed. Only offered comfort every time he felt Steve was dwelling too much into his memories. So he ends up shaking his head.

  
“He never went as far as you got, that’s a given. But James… If you had seen him… You  
probably would’ve killed him, quite frankly. He was… Completely reckless. It’s not that he  
was actively trying to hurt himself, it was just… he was letting things become dangerous, he just didn’t care. He didn’t care if something happened to him. Of course it was always for the best of reasons. He was always protecting someone, defending something… But it was always… Always in the worst possible way. I ended up in a hospital room more time than I like to talk about…”

  
Bucky can hear the tension in Sam’s voice, and he trusts that he’s not painting things worse than they were. It’s not entirely surprising coming from Steve anyway. He softly strokes a strand of hair away from Steve’s face before whispering “I never thought he ever was that way…”

  
“No, because he’s not anymore. Well not as bad, I would say… He toned it down a little after I yelled at him real bad…” Sam with a mocking tone.

  
“Yeah, well, I didn’t think you could get scary, but you kind of proved me wrong…”

  
“Yeah, and you’re a dick, by the way…” Sam says. “I know you were in a really bad place,  
but… He was a wreck for the last three weeks, and frankly, quite a pain in the ass…”

  
“I know… I know, and I will keep telling you I’m sorry until you forgive me…”

  
“I already have, Bucky. But I really need to be sure you realized how it impacted all of us. Not just you. And if knowing it, you still end up considering your option was the best, well then…I won’t fight you. But otherwise…”

  
Bucky looks into Sam’s eyes, expecting to see the same disappointment he had seen the first night at the hospital. But he only meets sadness.

  
“I know…” his voice is shaking, and he clears it before starting again. “I know it’s not the best option. It’s just sometimes, I feel like I’m asking too much of all of you, and it’s unfair. Because I don’t know if I can ever give back everything you’ve given me. It’s not… I’m not thinking… You…” Bucky doesn’t know how to say it, once again, and now he’s just rambling like an idiot. He looks away, ashamed. He just can’t get his thoughts clear enough, and he can’t get them to understand, and…

  
“Bucky?” Sam calls, bringing Bucky’s attention back to him. “That’s not how friendship work. You don’t _owe_ us anything. We are here for you because here is exactly where we want to be. All of us. You hear me? _All of us._ ” Bucky feel his eyes filling up with tears. “You don’t have to pay us back, because knowing you are doing well is making us happy. It’s all we want. Spend time with you, and knowing you are doing good in your life. We don’t need any reward. Did Nat ever asked anything from you?” Bucky shakes his head. “But she’s still here. She’s still your friend. And if your friends aren’t there through difficult times, then they are no friends. Maybe one day you’ll be there for me. Maybe we’ll only share beers and football nights. It doesn’t mean our friendship is any less real than if you saved me a hundred times. Ok? Right now, you’re the one who needs people around you. Maybe, hopefully, one day you won’t _need_  it, but we’ll still be there nevertheless. Do you understand?” Bucky nods slightly, tears running down his cheeks. “Good. Next time you think you’re a burden, keep that in mind. No one forces us to be here. We are because we want to be.” Bucky nods again, and Sam squeezes his shoulder really hard, as to make his point clearer, before shuffling his hair. “Ok. And please, stop trying not to cry. It’s better out, you know…” Bucky sniffs sarcastically at Sam’s way, making him laugh. “All right, that’s enough for a day. What about How to get away? You missed a few episodes…”

  
Bucky nods again, glad that Sam gives him an escape to pull himself together. He settles more comfortably on the couch, careful not to wake Steve up, and try to let himself enjoy the evening.

  
\----

  
Steve wakes up in his bed, and for a dreadful moment, he can’t remember.

  
“Buck?...” he whispers, hardly breathing.

  
A sleepy groan   comes out of the dark, and suddenly Steve can breathe again, and his heart slows down. He turns to where the voice came from, and throw his arm across Bucky’s chest, already snuggling closer to Bucky’s side. But he freezes when he feels the body beside him suddenly tensing.

  
‘I’m sorry, Buck, I…” He starts backing off, feeling hurt more than he wants to admit. But  
Bucky’s warm hand catch his arm and pulls him closer. Bucky kisses Steve’s forehead and murmurs “No… No no ‘m sorry Stevie… I’m sorry…”

  
Steve closes his eyes, letting the feeling of peace and home settles in his bones, while Bucky gently combs his hair.

  
“I need you to talk to me, Bucky” Steve confesses to the dark, keeping his eyes closed. He can feel Bucky’s breath stopping for a second, before starting again with a big inhale. “I know you don’t believe me, but I am _not_ mad at you for what happened. I’m sorry. I’m sorry because I couldn’t help you more, I’m sorry because somehow you thought I’d want you away because of it. I’m sorry I didn’t make it clear enough that I love you more than anything. But Bucky… I’m telling you all of this now. Nothing you could do would ever makes me want you to leave. Ever. And … I need you to look at me, I need you to tell me why… I need you to… I _need_ you…” He can feel tears leaking from his eyes, and his voice is shaking. “I need you so much, Buck… I know you don’t, but…”

  
“Steve…” Bucky interrupts, his voice filled with pain. “I need you too… If it weren’t for you… If you hadn’t found me…” Steve tightens his hold around Bucky’s chest, nearly climbing on him.

  
“I don’t want to survive without you.”

  
Bucky kisses Steve’s temple again and whispers “I’m not going anywhere anymore. I  
promised.”

  
“Will you tell me? One day, will you tell me what made you that bad?”

  
Bucky takes another big breath, and his voice is tensed when he speaks. “One day. But not  
tonight?” he pleads.

  
“Not tonight”, Steve agrees. “Whenever you’re ready…”

  
Bucky hums, relieved, and starts combing Steve’s hair again, until Steve falls asleep, safe and warm.

  
\----

  
“One day.” It’s another promise, one Bucky will try to hold on to. Because he can trust Steve. Because Steve isn’t Brock. They are nothing alike.

  
_Nothing_.


	22. Sweet revenge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the absence!!  
> With love to anyone who is still here...

It’s hard to find his footing back, but Bucky tries his best. Fight his hardest. Going back to a routine is tough on him, even more so that he lost his job and started seeing a new shrink, and so far, none of it doesn’t help keeping his anxiety on check. Steve and he still walk on egg shells here and there. He hates it, and he would bet his remaining hand that Steve doesn’t like it much more.

Apart from Bucky and all his shit, things go pretty well for Steve. That at least is one thing Bucky rejoices about. Even if, for some obscure reasons, Steve refused to sell the two portraits everyone loved so much at the exhibit (well, he did promise Mrs. Carter to let her have hers, but Bucky’s one? It is still a mystery for him why Steve didn’t sell it…), but the exhibit still was a game changer. He sold about a dozen of paintings for prices that had Bucky choke a little when Steve announced them and he even starts having a nice, ever filling order book.

Steve keeps trying to convince Bucky that, thanks to all this work, it doesn’t matter that Bucky doesn’t work right now. That he should take the time he needs before hunting for a job again. But it still makes Bucky feel so fucking useless. So he tries to make up for it. Steve’s flat has never been cleaner, there’s always food in the fridge, Bucky will fight tooth and nails so he’s the one to cook, the one to do the dishes, the one to do basically everything in the flat. He can see how much Steve hates letting him, but also how guilty he feels every time they start to fight about it. Bucky is ruthless in using that. He _needs_ to feel like someone can count on him. That _Steve_ can count on him.

The only positive thing, as far as Bucky’s concerned, about that whole situation, is that he gets to watch Steve working. And that is the most fascinating thing he ever got to witness. Steve is so into his work; Bucky doubts he would even hear a bomb going off. Every night, while Bucky cooks, or simply watches TV, he’s reminded of what drawn him to Steve at first. As Steve is stuck into his own world, Bucky can stare all he likes, and he takes full advantage of it. And in the mayhem his life has become again, being able to fall in love again and again is a silver lining he’s not ready to give up.

\---

“Shit shit shit shit…. That’s such a stupid idea, I’m a moron…”

Steve tries to control his breathing. When exactly did he start to think it would be a remotely good plan? Nat is going to kill him, as if he wasn’t stupid enough on his own…

He takes a quick glance backward to check if _he_ is still there. _He_ wasn’t hard to lure, some dancing and grinding and _he_ was like a dog on a leash. Only the thought of what would follow prevented Steve to puke his guts out when he felt _his_ dirty hands sliding from his back to grab his ass. But getting _him_ to follow Steve in a small back street has been the easiest thing ever afterwards. The greedy light in _his_ eyes is speaking volume, and Steve can feel _him_ staring as they walk, like a burn in his back.

Steve then feels _his_ hand grabbing his arm and a push – not quite violent, but nowhere near gentle either – makes his back hit the hard wall behind him. Suddenly, _his_ mouth is on Steve’s, _his_ tongue forcing his way into Steve’s mouth.

“Wait… wait, stop” Steve tries to push _him_ back. _He_ is looking at him hungrily, and no doubt hunger will turn into rage pretty quickly.

“What? You changed your mind, little doll?” the man scornfully sneers, trying to grab Steve’s jaw. Steve stops his hand, inches from his face and stares coldly at that disgusting face.

“Bucky sends his regards” Steve says coldly, as he tries to launch his knee as high and as hard as he possibly can into Brock Rumlow’s groin.

Brock falls on his knees with a gasp and Steve calls for Nat. Even though he likes to think he can deal with stuff on his own, he knows Brock is clearly too strong for him, and he’s pretty sure he’s not happy about what just happened to him…

“You fucker, you’re his new bitch….” Brock pants through gritted teeth. “Doesn’t surprise me, you fit one another, both less than worth…”

“Now, now, now, Brock…” Nat’s voice resonates in the empty street. “What did we say about how you address my friends?”

She appears from behind a pile of box, all dressed in black, and somehow seems as dangerous as hell despite her small stature. Brock does look like he’s seen a ghost, and Steve nearly guffaws at the scared look on his face when Nat knees next to Brock and gently grab a handful of hair.

“We did already have that discussion, did we not?” She asks, very matter-of-factly. As Brock doesn’t answer, she violently pulls his hair until their eyes meet. “Did. We. Not?” she repeats. Brock nods frantically. “Then why are we here again?”

“I didn’t know he was… He flirted with…” Nat pushes Brock’s head back against the floor, just hard enough for him to whine in pain and for Steve to hear a very satisfying cracking sound. There goes the nose!

“I’m not speaking about Steve, and you know it. I warned you about what would happen if you went anywhere near James again…”

“It was an accident!” Brock exclaims with a bit of panic in his voice. “I swear it just happened…”

“Yeah right” Nat blows up. Steve can’t see what she’s doing but it does dig a cry of pain out of Brock. “You nearly brought him to his death!” she spits, enraged.  “If I wouldn’t mind ending in prison for your ugly face, I would kill you for that, you parody of a human being.”

Steve can say that this… this is no joke, and if she got get away with it, Nat probably would kill Brock right now. Steve thinks he never saw her as angry as she is now, and he certainly hopes he never ends in Brock’s place.

“If I ever see you again, I might take my chance at it” she hisses in Brock’s ear, before smashing his head against the ground again. She then stands up and starts walking away. “Have a good night, Brock Rumlow, and may we never see you again.” She takes Steve’s hand and pulls him in her track.

Once they are far enough to be drown in the nighty crowd, Steve starts laughing nervously. “Please remind me never to upset you, would you?”

Nat pulls him closer and puts her arm around his shoulders. “You never will”, she says gleefully, a big smile on her face. So far away from that dangerous warrior Steve just witnessed that he wonders if he hasn’t dreamt it all… “That was one sweet revenge, right?” she laughs in the night.

Steve can’t do anything but agree.

\-----

When Steve enters his flat, everything is dark and silent. Bucky is probably already asleep. He told him he had a project with Nat and would be late, and Bucky is sleeping so much lately. Steve thinks maybe his body needs it right now, and he really hopes it get better soon. He can thee all the efforts Bucky is constantly making but also knows him enough to see that he’s nowhere near fine.

He tries to be as quiet as possible as he undresses and slithers under the sheets. Bucky turns around, sleepily kisses his neck and asks “Did all you wanted to?”

“Yes” Steve whispers, turning around to kiss the tip of Bucky’s nose.

“Hmm… Good…” Bucky mumbles, already falling back asleep.

Steve remains still as Bucky’s breathing evens out. He misses the feeling of Bucky’s strong arm around him, like a cocoon. But he’ll wait.

“I love you”, he whispers into darkness.

\----

“You did _what_?”

“Her plan!” Steve shamelessly points at Nat, who gives him a false offended look.

“I withdraw everything I said yesterday”, she over dramatically gasps, making Steve laughs. But Bucky’s truly horrified look stopped him dead.

“Bucky… I was safe all along, Nat wasn’t far away…” he tries to justify.

“When… How did you think it was a good idea?” Bucky stutters.

Steve doesn’t leave any chance to Nat to answer that question. “When he thought he had any _right_ to make you feel like you were worthless, that’s when”, he points out. “When he put your life in danger without even a question. When I nearly lost you because of him. When he proved to be every bit of a bastard you both told me he was. When he…”

“Stop! Stop!” Nat interrupts. “I think he got the point…’ she adds gently, as Bucky hastily wipes some tears away. “Also, I think I didn’t get my Starbuck this morning, so I’ll be back in ten, ok?” She leaves without waiting any answer.

Silence falls in the small kitchen, as Steve stares at Bucky and Bucky stares at anything but Steve.

“Buck… Can you look at me please?” Steve waits for his boyfriend to finally set his eyes on him. “I can’t let anyone… _anyone_ make you believe what he made you believe. I can’t let him get to you the way he did. _He’s_ the monster here, and you both needed to see that. I was safe, and he got every bit of pain he deserved, and I’d do it over and over again until you’re safe from him.” Steve steps closer, grabbing Bucky’s hand. “Just like you would if someone was putting me in harm’s way. Ok?” Bucky sobs as he nods and hangs on to Steve’s hand like a lifeline. Steve stays still, afraid he’ll do something that will make Bucky withdraw once more.

Suddenly Bucky turns around and walks to the window, opening it and taking deep breaths. Steve still doesn’t move.

“He… he was great at the beginning, you know…” Bucky mutters, so low Steve nearly misses it. “Kind… understanding…” Steve can see how Brock can make people believe that. Hadn’t he known Brock was an asshole, Steve would probably have found him handsome.

“Buck you don’t have to go through it again, you…”

“Why is it he can still make me think I don’t deserve any better? Why can’t I believe I deserve you?” Bucky angrily asks. “Can I ever be enough? Can I…”

Steve hesitates to come closer and then decides all hell can break lose. He steps closer and hugs Bucky from behind, not stepping back when Bucky tenses under his touch. “You already are enough. More than enough. And it’s alright if you don’t see it, just trust me to know what I need. Do you think you can do that?”

Bucky starts sobbing again, and Steve gently strikes soft patterns on his skin until he starts to relax.

“Is it why you thought I’d be better off without you? Because you think you’re not enough?” Steve gently asks, his mouth inches from Bucky’s skin. When Bucky nods with a broken laugh, Steve lays down a kiss and says “You’re a fucking poor judge of character, dear…”

Bucky half laugh, half cry a “Tell me about it…” before turning around. He grabs Steve’s face gently and kisses him. It’s been so long since he kissed him that way. Steve goes for it, and enjoys every second of it. When they break away, Steve gently tugs at Bucky’s hand.

“Whatever is on your mind, from now on, you tell me when it’s too much for you alone, ok?”

“But…”

“No buts, Buck. I want to be there, and I need to know when you need me. I don’t want to be intrusive, but then I have to know I can trust you to come to me… You understand?” Steve tries to explain.

“Why would you want to do that?” Bucky asks in disbelieving.

“Didn’t you get the memo, you dumbass? I love you…”

The smile on Bucky’s face is worth everything to Steve and he can’t help himself but kiss him again and mutters again his mouth “I don’t know what mistake in the universe led to you falling for me, Buck. I don’t get it. Really. How someone as hot as you would prefer ending with me instead of… anyone else in the world… But I don’t care anymore. Because I love you, and I need you. Because you make me feel more than just a one night stand, just a stopgap… Because I love every part of you. Because I _want_ to be there when all is good but even more when all is bad. I need you forever… I love you….”

Bucky laughs again and crushes him into a tight hug. Maybe it’s finally the beginning of things getting better….


	23. Life starts over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaand here we go. Sorry it was so long. I hope you like that ending.  
> And just fyi... Big NSFW in there. :)

They find new ways. To make sure both are fine. Bucky can see Steve sometimes fears he’s being annoying or too intrusive, but it’s just what Bucky needs. When he gets all clammed up and moody, Steve always opens the door so that Bucky doesn’t feel like a burden if he needs to rant. Of course, there are times he can’t push that door, and ends up feeling like a fish out of water, because he just can’t, because there’s no words. And Steve never pushes. He offers comfort, but if Bucky can’t accept that either, he doesn’t see disappointment on his lover’s face. There’s nothing but acceptance, and it’s like breathing fresh air for the first time in decades. Steve is there for whatever Bucky needs, even if it’s leaving him alone. Life starts over.

In returns, Bucky tries (and he really hopes he’s succeeding) not to mollycoddle Steve as if he wasn’t able to take care of himself. He can see Steve appreciate it. Of course, the fact that Sam has found Bucky a job is helping. Still part time, but Bucky isn’t sure he would handle that well having to interact with people too much. His boss is also a vet, so he understands the day when Bucky isn’t that productive, or the unexpected breaks. All he asks is for the job to be done, no matter how Bucky manages. It’s both a freedom Bucky needs and a frame that reassures him.

His new shrink is fine, he guesses. She keeps saying he’s making great progress. Is it because she reminds him of Nat, still he can’t lie to Maria Hill. She sees through him in a way Sam might not have (or maybe he was subtle enough not to show him as she does. Probably that.) Bucky is down to one appointment a week, unless he feels he needs more. They debrief the week together, pointing out the good things, and the issue Bucky still needs to work on. He has less and less anxiety attack, but when they come they feel worse than ever. Maria says it’s because he’s starting to feel other good things, so the bas ones are worse to bear (something like that, she talks a lot and Bucky can’t remember it all).  She’s good to him, and when he says so to Sam, thanking him for his decision, the emotion in his friend’s eyes nearly crushes his heart.

“Was scared you’d hate me for that, dude” Sam confesses. Bucky grabs his arm and squeezes gently.

“Never…”

They still have TV nights with Nat and Sam. They are both terrible, ranting about any show they watch like elderly people. Nat brings Clint Barton more and more, and Bucky thinks he’s a pretty chill guy out of his teacher’s mode. They bicker a lot with Sam too, and it never fails to make Bucky laugh.  He jokingly told Sam he finds them very much alike, which made Sam yell in disapproval and Steve laugh his ass off. These four, they make Bucky feels normal, and he cherishes them for that.

 They also have started to fool around again with Steve (not during TV nights, mind you).  Bucky still can’t bring himself to go further. He tries. God knows he tried. And it’s not that he doesn’t want to, but his mind just go blank when they try to go for a home run. He hates himself for that, even more so that Steve doesn’t. He says he’s fine, and it doesn’t matter how long it takes, it doesn’t matter if it never happens either, and it just makes Bucky hates himself.

He talked about it with Maria (with a lot of embarrassment, but she asked, ok?) and she pointed out it might be easier if Bucky was the one taking the lead, at first at least. Considering he never was with Brock. Ok, that’s all good. It’s not. He can initiate, takes some initiatives, but ultimately, Steve is the one holding the reins, whatever they are doing. He’s quite bossy, too, but it kind of makes Bucky more comfortable. And they ever talked about it, because it always worked that way and anyway Bucky’s already far gone as soon as they start heating up a tad too much. But what if Steve hates to leave him the control? Or to bottom? Bucky realizes it’s something he fears. He tries to voice it. The pain. Being forced into the matress. No pleasure. That awful feeling is nothing more than a fleshlight. Of course, deep down he knows Steve wouldn’t act that way, but he can’t help it. What if it doesn’t work? How do you ask stuffs like that? Bucky feels stupid, because he’s seen Steve naked and up very close, and as done things to him that would make both their mothers blush, and he knows they are far from that point now but still… He feels stupid he needs to talk about it. But Maria manages to ease all his fears.

He will do it. Because, even if it’s mixed with a crawling terror, he’s over his head about the idea of having Steve. All of Steve.

\----

 Steve feels uncomfortable tonight. Bucky has been tip toeing around him all evening and it leaves him with an unpleasant feeling under his skin. He tries not to blurt out a “What’s wrong?’ because he knows that’s the best way to make sure Bucky won’t say a word for the next couple of hours. So he waits. Impatiently. But he waits.

He’s going to ruin the paint if Bucky doesn’t start talking now, but he tries not to make it seen. He’s not even focused on what he’s doing, oh well fuck, he made this lady’s nose blue….

“S…Steve?” Oh thank god and all his saints…. Steve looks up with relief. Bucky is standing near the couch, swaying slightly on his legs. ‘Could we…. Can we… have a talk?” Steve hates the plead in Bucky’s eyes and if it was only for him, he would run to him and hug the fuck out of him.

“Sure, Buck.” He only answers softly, putting his brushes aside and leaving his easel to sit on the couch. Bucky sits next to him, looking at his hand nervously.

Silence spreads for long seconds. Just when Steve opens his mouth to try and initiate the talk, Bucky blurts “wouitbeproblemifyabottom?”

“What’s that?” Steve asks, half laughing.

“Oh god, why is that so hard…” Bucky mutters. “I… Dr. Hill says that maybe it would be easier for me if… Concerning us… I mean…”

“What did she say, Buck?” Steve gently prompts, slowly figuring out what this is about. Lately Bucky has been trying to push his limits every time they’ve been fooling around and Steve told him maybe he needed to talk about it with his shrink. Apparently, he did today.

“Maybe I shouldn’t put myself in the same situation I was with … with him.” Bucky grumbles.

“With Brock.” Steve says firmly. “I recall she also told you you needed to name him, Buck. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

“With Brock.” Bucky repeats tightly.

“So where does that bring us?”

“Well apparently, I need to “take control”” he says, drawing quotation marks with his fingers. Of course, Steve thinks. He thought Bucky was more comfortable not taking the lead, but he was just hiding. In plain sight. And as usual, Steve was blind to see it…

Steve forces himself to smile. “I’d quite love to see that” He then manages to get what the initial question was. “And by the way, Buck… I’ve always been more of a bottom to be honest.”  Bucky gasps in surprise. “Too harsh?” Steve asks jokingly. He’s rewarded with a punch on the shoulder that makes him fall on his back on the couch.

Bucky crawls on top of him and fiercely forces his tongue in Steve’s mouth. He immediately opens it and reciprocates.

“I think I’m gonna like that” he pants lightly.

Bucky only groans in respond, fighting to get Steve’s shirt above his head. He ends up ordering “Sit up” in a low voice that makes Steve shivers. He obeys, and lets his boyfriend strip him naked.

\----

At first, it’s nothing more than what they usually do. Strokes, skin caressing skin, sloppy kisses, hands wandering. Within the last weeks, Bucky has discovered Steve is particularly receptive to rimming. Steve is usually pretty directive, telling Bucky what he loves, what makes him feel the best. And rimming definitely is one of this thing. Seeing him cumming just thanks to Bucky’s tongue in his ass, that was a marvelous discovery. But usually, Steve is the one telling him to go at it. That’s not what they are doing tonight, and Bucky has to remind himself he knows his boyfriend enough to do this right.

Bucky takes a deep breath and orders “Turn around” in the most authoritative voice. And if it shivers a little, Steve is sweet enough not to point out. He even eagerly lays on his belly, panting a little. Bucky leaves a trail of kisses on Steve’s back, following every little bump of his back bone down to the crack of his beautiful ass.

“Hmmm yes, Buck please…” Steve moans when Bucky licks over Steve’s rim. Bucky remembers every little trick Steve told him about what he likes, and boy does he uses it. Soon Steve is fussing under him, moaning and groaning hotly. Bucky can see one of Steve’s hand disappearing under his belly, and he’s pretty sure what it’s doing down there. He can feel himself getting harder and harder just by the gorgeous sight in front of him. His tongue had prettily loosened up Steve’s hole already, and Bucky softly adds a finger, making Steve arch his back, whimpering hotly “Fuck Bucky, I’m… I’m gonna…” Bucky’s hand goes back and forth, adding a finger when he feels it’s time, going fast enough to maintain Steve’s beautiful music of moans but slowing just when needed to keep him on the edge. “Buck please… please…” Steve pants.

But Bucky withdraw his hands and makes Steve turn around on his back. “Not yet, Stevie…” he whispers before kissing him like his life depends on it. Steve still has one hand stroking his own cock and throws the other one in Bucky’s hair, grabbing an handful of it and forcing their faces even closer. Bucky can feel himself slipping away and close his eyes hard, trying to regain his footing. He can feel the brag in his hair morphing into a light stroke

“Bucky…” Bucky shakes his head a little. “Just look at me, please…” he opens his eyes. Steve is staring at him, so lovingly, so trustful… “I am ready if you are. Just take your time, ok? It’s all good…” Steve whispers, planting light kisses on Bucky’s face. Bucky whimpers, his body torn between a devouring need to _feel_ Steve and a consuming terror. “I trust you…”

It’s like a knot is dissolving in his guts. He trusts Steve. Of course, he does. He crashes their lips together once more, ripping a surprised moan out of Steve’s. He feels Steve grabbing his dick, and it’s Bucky’s turn to whimper, embarrassingly loudly when he starts to strike up and down. They start grinding against one another, reveling in the feeling of their skins touching.

“Wait, wait…” Bucky pants. Steve immediately stops, but Bucky can see a glimmer of regret, even so fleeting.  He leans closer and whispers “I am ready now.”

Steve lets out an excited pant and reaches out to get the lube that’s always stashed somewhere near the couch. He hands it to Bucky, signaling he’s leaving him to decide what’s next. Bucky feels so grateful he could just hug him right now, if he wasn’t so much on edge.

It takes him a while, to be honest. To get over his noisy mind. To remind himself he’s safe. He trusts Steve. He’s in control. He can stop whenever. He could stop right now. He could let fear win and stop. He starts pushing. Steve moans under him, his hands on Bucky’s back. Bucky forgot that feeling. The tightness. The hotness. Steve is so small, Bucky is scared to hurt him. He stops.

“Hmmm no no no don’t please… You feel so fucking good Buck please….” Steve whimpers, pushing his ass up to get Bucky deeper. Bucky’s mind is overwhelmed with pleasure he can’t think straight. But Steve wants more, so he keeps pushing until his hips are against Steve’s ass.

He then stops a second, trying to get himself together. Not to cum right now too.

“Are we good?” Steve asks softly, kissing Bucky gently again.

Bucky pants a little before answering. “I never felt better.” He ends up saying. “But you’re… so fucking tight I don’t know if I can…”

“I don’t care” Steve cuts him off, trying to roll his hips to get things started. Bucky whines miserably, already feeling heat rising in his belly.

“You’re a little shit” he moans while Steve keeps on. Bucky decides he can be an ass too, and suddenly sits, bringing Steve along with him. The change of position causes Steve to impale even deeper on Bucky’s cock, making the both of them groan in unison. But it allows Bucky to get his hand on Steve. “Now it’s your turn to work” he orders hotly.

Steve starts to move up and down, working his dick in Bucky’s hand and his ass on Bucky’s dick. Bucky watches in delight and astonishment the gorgeous show happening right in front of him. He knows he’s not going to last long, not with that tight feeling around his dick, the heat in his belly.

When he feels too close, he shifts them again, and let go of Steve to support himself. He starts pushing in and out, faster and faster as he feels he’s losing control. Steve moans louder and louder under him, his own hand stroking his cock fast and rough. He completely loses it when Steve’s face crumble and he cums on his belly with a relived moan. It doesn’t take long, a couple of uncoordinated thrusts, for Bucky to cum in turn, whimpering in Steve’s neck after losing his balance. He can feel Steve stroking his back again for a while.

“Are yo ok, Buck” he hears Steve asking. Why wouldn’t he be? Was it not amazing? Bucky worries. But then he feels Steve’s hand wiping tears off his face and he realizes his crying. He turns his face to Steve and smile.

“I never felt better for a long time, Stevie”, he says whole-heartedly. The worries in Steve’s eyes disappear quickly.

“Good. Because I want more of that. You feel so good…”

“I want more too” Bucky whispers, pecking Steve’s lips.

And more they get. It doesn’t always go as planned, but taking their time, letting Bucky decide the pace, allow them to explore more and more. They play the same game at last.

And Steve never misses Bucky’s arm around him at night anymore.

\----

When Bucky finally finds the gut to ask Steve for his hand, Steve nearly breaks hi leg by jumping on him like a savage.  Of course Sam and Nat are the witnesses, and they see Clint dancing in ways that will haunt them forever, and they feel so happy it's like nothing can ever harm them.

When Steve starts asking how Bucky feels about adoption, it throws Buck in an axiety attack like he didn't have in years. But they talk about it, until Bucky believes Steve when he says he'll be a great dad.

When little Carol enters their lifes, with her four years and barely 3 foot, Bucky feels like he was stupid ever to doubt it was a good idea. She keeps the darkness away, and with both Steve and her in his life, Bucky feels like everything will be fine. He has to make it so. For them. Everything has to be fine.

And it will be. Finally.


End file.
